Sexually obsessing.

[mrclear]

Here's somthing I compiled from the info I've read:

I am convinced that in the BPD's new relationships, the initial intensity of their erotic passion sweeps people away, but their motive is double-edged. On the one side, it comes from the instinctive built-in, turbulent emotionality of their disorder. But the other side of them is driven by an equally instinctual and concentrated need to control their partners and to keep them close.

Intensity is their weapon. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate, not please. Sex isn’t an act of true intimacy for them, but rather another way for them to feel admired and in control or to literally “fill” their emptiness. They achieve an emotional high and mistake those brief moments of ecstasy for love and happiness, but they are not.

Their adaptation of “I love you” actually means: “I need you to love me”and “That was the best ever for me” means: “Tell me it was the best ever for you”; “Tell me I have you”. In the end, they feel emptier than before. When the need for consistency of intimacy in their partners arises, they withdraw it. Since the carnal act is separate for them, they will only have sex when they want it or use it. After a while it is usually when their partner has been so emotionally abused and beaten down that they no longer have any interest in touching the BPD. Eventually, this causes The BPD's partner to feel used and distant, instead of loved and emotionally connected.

Emotion is the key-word here. How many of you honestly felt emotionally connected during sex? The sex with my ex was great, but closeness, emotion and love simply didn't enter into it... .  

mrclear

[slimmiller]

Here's somthing I compiled from the info I've read:

I am convinced that in the BPD's new relationships, the initial intensity of their erotic passion sweeps people away, but their motive is double-edged. On the one side, it comes from the instinctive built-in, turbulent emotionality of their disorder. But the other side of them is driven by an equally instinctual and concentrated need to control their partners and to keep them close.

Intensity is their weapon. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate, not please. Sex isn’t an act of true intimacy for them, but rather another way for them to feel admired and in control or to literally “fill” their emptiness. They achieve an emotional high and mistake those brief moments of ecstasy for love and happiness, but they are not.

Their adaptation of “I love you” actually means: “I need you to love me”and “That was the best ever for me” means: “Tell me it was the best ever for you”; “Tell me I have you”. In the end, they feel emptier than before. When the need for consistency of intimacy in their partners arises, they withdraw it. Since the carnal act is separate for them, they will only have sex when they want it or use it. After a while it is usually when their partner has been so emotionally abused and beaten down that they no longer have any interest in touching the BPD. Eventually, this causes The BPD's partner to feel used and distant, instead of loved and emotionally connected.

Emotion is the key-word here. How many of you honestly felt emotionally connected during sex? The sex with my ex was great, but closeness, emotion and love simply didn't enter into it... .  mrclear

And in the end, mine would throw me off like a dog. No closeness of any kind and like the end of our relationship, no closure at all.

Back to the original question, I too long for that and obsessed over what I once had for, a while. Worst part about it was knowing that she tossed me off the side and was doing all those exact same things with 'him' instead of me. Not only that she described the exact same 'feelings' for him that she had me when we first got together (I played detective on our computer, she covered her tracks very poorly).

For me it helps knowing that its not REAL not even with the new guy. The emptiness she feels within, is hollow and can never be filled directly. Its kind of like an empty vagina, only the thought of rectifying that by chasing after yet another penis gets her excited once she does get that, its time to pursue yet another one. (God only knows how many there have been in the two years we split up)  An empty useless quest for fullfillment and its sad. :'( While I did love her deeply, I can not love that and honestly where her quest is leading her, makes me pity her.

Also it helps me to realize, "you can not love that which does not love itself".

It does not exactly fill the void she left sexually but it does give me clarity

[charred]

When you get in a relationship with a person with BPD... . it starts out with them idealizing you, giving you so much apparent unconditional love that it can be overwhelming... . and if your a bit on the needy side from your upbringing (like distant parents, some abuse, a generally fearful outlook on life)... . the intensity of the attachment you get for the person with BPD... . is like a primary attachment, the kind a person has for their mother for instance. Then when they get clingy... . it just seems like non-sense as you can't imagine leaving them... . then they typically either leave you or turn hateful... . either one is tough to handle, you stay and take the abuse and are miserable and hope for things to go back like they were at first... .    but they never do. Or the most painful one, is the pwBPD... . just gives you a curt "we are done" or something to that effect, and leaves without explanation. Anyone else you dated doing that, might hurt a little but it wouldn't make you obsess... . however because of the intense needy attachment... . that makes them like the wonderful parent you never had... .    being dumped is like losing a parent... . it shakes your world, and pushes everything else out of your mind.

This is so insightful. You must have been watching my last relationship. It is to a T correct. Even the break up ended with at text saying Done. Bye.  and then another when he kept calling saying Don't call. Forget me. But I had to do it that way because he had a control over me where I would have taken him back if I spoke to him. I believed everything he said and he was bad for me.

Thank you... .  mulled it over till I finally felt in my gut that I understood what happened.

[goldylamont]

personally i feel many times when we had sex it was good and healing. i know there were some things we did in the beginning that we didn't end up continuing through the years... . i'm sure there was some manipulation in the beginning too. for us, during the worst of the r/s (the last 6 months or so) we just barely had sex. it was actually a point of contention for me. i totally understand how for a lot of people there was no correlation between how good the relationship was going and the sex, but for me i saw a direct correlation between when we were having consistent and good sex, and really getting along and supporting each other. the sex for me was good b/c i was doing it with somebody i loved so much at the time, but i've had 'better' you could say from other partners who i really cared for but wasn't in years long r/s with.

my attachment though was not much on the sex. i was happy sexually, but i had very good sexual experiences just previous to r/s with expbd and also even better sex afterwards. my vice was her looks, which i'm sure played into the sex in some ways but sex wasn't the main focus. i think in some ways her lack of controlling me sexually perhaps contributed to the r/s lasting so long (it was the longest r/s for both of us), i'm really independent, in fact a bit too much i'm still learning to be more verbally expressive of my love. i've been called 'aloof' in a couple r/s, so that's on me; but in a way i feel like not many other men would hold their ground so much, and not be so codependent which is maybe? while things lasted so long? this of course contributed to her abandonment issues. she's had 2 r/s in the past year since we broke up, neither making it past the 4 month mark then she crushed those guys (hit me hard too! yes it's true... .  

hersexisaweapon

hissexisaweapon

[nolisan]

Another recall:

About 9 months into my 1 years relationship I came out of the love bombing / running away fog. I saw two things I needed to work on: my porn addiction andd my codependency.

I had shared with her early on that I had used porn since my teens. "OK - just don't ask me to watch it with you" OK but as things when on I decided felt that it needed to go while I was in a committed r/s (my second) - it no longer felt right.

So I joined SAA and got "clean". We had about two more weeks of love making - the wildest ever.

About the same time I looked at CoDA and saw that I was a rescuer (helping her with her mortgage). I pulled back on this. She was really working on me to sell my house and buy hers (where we would live "happily ever after". (my gut told me No - I didn't trust her with her frequent run aways).

That's when the love making stopped and her devaluation started. Another few painful months and it was over. Right at the end she said she had cut off the sex to try to control me and tried to initiate sex - I declined. Glad I did.

[cska]

it became clear after a while that she was using it to escape her thoughts for a while as a tool, and the harder and longer she'd go, the better it worked.  She'd finish absolutely exhausted and collapse into a pillow, not a word to me, crappy expression on her face, like reality had returned.  Not much for me there, and certainly not what I needed and wanted.

Yes! I noticed that too. She would also often get upset after sex and accuse me of using her. So sex became a trade off: I knew I was gonna have great sex for an hour, and then face the fallout. 

Yea, but I miss the sexual part (along with the emotional idealization during the honeymoon phase). She was a sexy girl, whose body was exactly my type. I'm trying to detach, but those memories really weigh me down.

[flynavy]

For me it is absolutely uncanny the commonality BPD/NPDs have in common with regard to sex.  I agree with this statement... .  not sure who said it... .  but here it is... .  "an out of body experience for her".  Funny thing is if i finished in a traditional sense inside her in the traditional place it wouldn't be as satisfying to her as anything else.  When she was in control, e.g. the BJ you could feel her excitement/intensity build the closer I got to climax... .  especially vocally... .  she would actually freeze in time ... .  eyes closed... .  like an addict just got his fix after climax... .  holding on for sometimes 20-30 seconds I guess to savor the intensity... .  kind of creepy/eery and even beyond pornographic for me.    It scares me sometimes in retrospect!