NC with my BPD father

[AshleyE616]

I decided to go NC with my BPD father 4 months ago. I am 23 years old and I currently feel very good about my decision to go NC. I feel very free in a lot of ways. I'm starting to realize I can make my own decisions and not have to worry about being manipulated or triggering an outburst. It's SO wonderfully freeing knowing I don't have to constantly second guess my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Not having to worry about what will cause an outburst, what kind of state will he be in when I talk to him, what can I do to impress him/make him proud of me, what will make him hate me... .   None of that is my responsibility any longer. It's amazing. I'm no longer walking on eggshells. His toxic presence in my life is finally gone.

The problem is that my siblings and mother are still in contact with him. My parents relationship has always been extremely unhealthy and abusive. My mom has tried to set boundaries and she's tried leaving him, but she always goes back and that's very frustrating for me to witness. So it's becoming harder and harder for me to still keep in contact with my mom. She won't stand up for herself. She continues to stay in an abusive relationship. I love her and it's always been extremely hard for me to not only see my dad abuse her, but to know that she CHOOSES to be in that situation. So frustrating!

Also, I've been reflecting on all the abuse and pain he's caused. He's cheated on my mom, hit her, physically abused my sisters and I, lied, stolen, been in jail... .   and there's the constant anger. Always anger. Thinking about how this has impacted me is very... .   mad at him. I'm so mad for the way he's treated my family and I. Having to deal with and cope with his BPD has greatly (and I feel mostly negatively) impacted who I am today. And I'm very very mad at him for all the pain and hurt he's caused... .  

[Suzn]

Hello AshleyE616   

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this with your father.    It has been very painful for you, I can hear this in your words. I understand completely how hard it is to watch your mother stay. BPD is a serious mental illness and these relationships can be very confusing. Has your father been diagnosed?

How are you doing with all of this? Have you considered a therapist for support with all you've been up against? They can be so insightful and supportive.