where are you with anger?

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board!

Anger... .   many faces of it around here.  I remember a T telling me that anger is a mask to pain.

From what I can see over the years, it seems to break down into these categories depending upon what part of the detachment or grief phase you are in:

1 - being wronged, feeling unfair, shocked and outraged.

2 - a safe place to keep my distance, if I stay angry, I won't go back!

3- a way to keep attached... .   there is a short distance between love & hate

4 - a place to be so as not to focus on ones' self.

What is anger for you?  One of these or something completely different? 

Peace,

SB

[laelle]

My anger helps me to understand and apply what I will and wont accept in my life.

It made me angry when my ex use to punish me by giving me the silent treatment.  I will never again allow myself to be punished for not being what someone else wants me to be.  I have extended my backbone and will use this anger to protect that boundary if needed.

I use my own personal experience to gauge that emotion.

[seeking balance]

My anger helps me to understand and apply what I will and wont accept in my life.

It made me angry when my ex use to punish me by giving me the silent treatment.  I will never again allow myself to be punished for not being what someone else wants me to be.  I have extended my backbone and will use this anger to protect that boundary if needed.

I use my own personal experience to gauge that emotion.

so - let's add

5. boundary violation indicator

sound good to you?

[laelle]

Only if its a good thing. 

[HarmKrakow]

Im not sure.

I don't feel anger in the sense of hate towards my ex, more or less just dissapointed for her not taking responsibilty as an adult when we broke up. She just walked away as a 5 year old dropping the dishes not wanting to clean and go play outside.

I feel dissapointed in myself that, although I was completely vulnerable for a BPDer, I still went in with both feet till the bitter end.

I consider hate and anger quite useless, and a mere waste of time and energy. I see people using this anger and hate in order to seek revenge or some false sense of justice in regards of their breakup because they got hurt and their ex "seemingly" walked away. Using hate or angry as a motive is only short term gain.

Why would I feel outraged at my ex BPD? She's the one being mentally sick, not me. I've got a mentally handicapped mother who, sometimes can be very nice and sometimes be very painful. When she says very hurtful things, why would I go berserk? It's the biological malfunction in her brainwires (or lack of) which causes this. Me getting angry is not going to help anyone, not me nor my mother.

Other than that, I see a lot of people who get so angry, because they feel hurt and start doing drugs, alochol, go party or cheat. Whats the point? It's all flight behavior from the inner core problem. Getting drunk is actually quite stupid as although it relaxes ur nervous system, it actually makes the feelings of depression and sadness worse. (plus you might do something stupid).

Anger to me is just dissapointment in something you thought you had under control, you thought was heading in the right direction but it all went to hell and only realized it the moment it was all past fixing.

Maybe I would truly hate my ex, if she, sane as a normal person, would have done this all conciously. Planned... . that is. But true hate goes very far. Why would you hate a sociopathic killer who murdered your children if he doesn't show remorse? A person like that can't show remorse as he is sick. Of course you would be extremely upset, and have a lot of inside anger, but fuelling that towards someone who might just purely feed on that anger is a waste of your precious energy.

I would say, put that energy in tieing your running shoes, dress yourself in some athletic gear and go run 5 or 10 miles.

[seeking balance]

Anger to me is just dissapointment in something you thought you had under control,

I like this - reminds me of Pema Chodrin's work on Being Comfortable with Uncertainty.

[fakename]

I really don't think I am angry any more. Maybe sometimes i get cranky, but I think my anger had long passed. Mostly I think I'm just dealing with hurt and hope and sometimes loneliness?

[ScotisGone74]

At 5 months of NC my anger has dissipated immensely, but some of it is still there honestly, deep down, I think that I use it to help keep me detached and needing any contact with the ex pwBPD.  Overrall I would say my level of anger towards the expwBPD has dropped by 75%.  I think alot of our anger has to do with how far out of relationship we are.

I never want to carry the anger with me constantly, but I don't feel any guilt whatsoever about having it towards her, if I weren't angry how could I have ever really been in love or cared about her?  I think the answer is I couldn't have.   Anger is a normal part of the recovery process, but I do think that we all need to be careful on how long we hold onto it. 

[HarmKrakow]

At 5 months of NC my anger has dissipated immensely, but some of it is still there honestly, deep down, I think that I use it to help keep me detached and needing any contact with the ex pwBPD.  Overrall I would say my level of anger towards the expwBPD has dropped by 75%.  I think alot of our anger has to do with how far out of relationship we are.

I never want to carry the anger with me constantly, but I don't feel any guilt whatsoever about having it towards her, if I weren't angry how could I have ever really been in love or cared about her?  I think the answer is I couldn't have.   Anger is a normal part of the recovery process, but I do think that we all need to be careful on how long we hold onto it. 

You state if i werent angry, how could you have been in love with her. But were you in love with her, or a projection, mirror of yourself which she projected on you?

[ScotisGone74]

It was in regards to the ending.  If you Really Loved anyone , someone you saw yourself with for years into the future, how could you Not be angry as they mosey off into the sunset with someone else right in front of you?  The answer is that you couldn't 

[GreenMango]

Scot angry or heartbroken?

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly it seems like more heartbroken than anything now.  The majority of the anger is when I realized she had gotten married eight weeks after she left me confused, and then at four months after was pregnant.  I was just stunned, angered, confused at the beginning, now I really just wonder if my heart and soul will ever recover from all this this. 

[LuckyEscapee]

Seeking Balance - great thread  

For me the anger I processed through was 1 & 2. It did serve a purpose at that time and I needed to go through it. Also I processed through the anger I had for myself; for being duped, for being harassed, for being a willing 'target' (in the beginning).

I have no anger for him. I am not angry at myself anymore. It happened, its over. YAY! If anything I occasionally have some residual anger for having to experience the BPD experience. I have been emotionally scarred from it, although I realise I am stronger and wiser because of it. Lucky to have come away with only scars. At times I am angry at BPD, and the lack of mainstream information about it. I knew nothing about it, till it ran me over and left me for dead. Why wasn't I pre-warned this was out there? None of my friends or family knew about it either. that makes me angry. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, it often doesn't even for me .

Harm - I understand that you are going through a world of hurt and pain, but you still possess a clarity of mind that I continue to learn from. Thanks for participating here.  

[HarmKrakow]

Seeking Balance - great thread  

For me the anger I processed through was 1 & 2. It did serve a purpose at that time and I needed to go through it. Also I processed through the anger I had for myself; for being duped, for being harassed, for being a willing 'target' (in the beginning).

I have no anger for him. I am not angry at myself anymore. It happened, its over. YAY! If anything I occasionally have some residual anger for having to experience the BPD experience. I have been emotionally scarred from it, although I realise I am stronger and wiser because of it. Lucky to have come away with only scars. At times I am angry at BPD, and the lack of mainstream information about it. I knew nothing about it, till it ran me over and left me for dead. Why wasn't I pre-warned this was out there? None of my friends or family knew about it either. that makes me angry. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, it often doesn't even for me .

That makes a lot of sense. A lot I agree with the anger in regards of being introduced to BPD. It, as far as it looks now, has changed my world 180 degrees upside down. I don't want to be scarred for life, but if something would scar me for the rest of my life, this disease would be it. My goodness.

I look the world through a complete set of different lenses. It has less color and joy like it had before and i'm dissapointed that such a disease as BPD caused this.

I often question myself, am I angry, hateful or dissapointed that the last 2 years of my life were a pretentious bad inside joke that went horrible wrong? 

To me, the worst someone can do to you is take your time. Nothing is as precious as time. Not a car, not a house. And to me, I feel utter failure of myself that I let her take 2 years of my life. Have I learned from this? Of course, but have I come better out of this than I once was? No, so far i'm not even close to the man I once was. While that was the case in all my previous r/s before this one. I still feel being that wounded soldier on the battlefield getting morphine shots evryday to resist the pain while bleeding slowly to death.

Harm - I understand that you are going through a world of hurt and pain, but you still possess a clarity of mind that I continue to learn from. Thanks for participating here.  

Your welcome I try to look at this stuff as much as I can without the variable "emotions" or "anger" as it mystifies and worsens my sight and thinking.

[laelle]

To me, the worst someone can do to you is take your time. Nothing is as precious as time. Not a car, not a house. And to me, I feel utter failure of myself that I let her take 2 years of my life. Have I learned from this? Of course, but have I come better out of this than I once was? No, so far i'm not even close to the man I once was. While that was the case in all my previous r/s before this one. I still feel being that wounded soldier on the battlefield getting morphine shots evryday to resist the pain while bleeding slowly to death.



I agree with you on the time sink.  Whats worse than that to me is committing all of yourself (time included), getting little in return, and in the end your back at 0.  I wonder now why did I decide that my time was worth so little and his so much?  LOL, I dont think I did, I think he told me, and I believed him.  I will never short change myself like that again.

[mrclear]

Anger is a tough one... .  

As Harm has indicated, I think it is important to separate the person from the disorder. You cannot be angry at a person that is ruled by a mental condition. However BPD's are adults and are responsible for their decisions and actions. I think that is what we are angry with. Their disorder makes them think and do things that are not comprehendable to the rational mind. And that is the mistake we make. We rationalize. We take what they say and do and project into our own, sane world. That's what makes us angry... .  

Of course it is important to be angry, sad and hurt. We need to go through these emotions to heal. Love and hate are similar emotions which force us to feel. At some point, however, it is important to let go of these feelings, because they keep you connected to the person for whom you have these emotions.

If you keep monitoring what your ex does, or keep reflecting, you will never be able to detach. There will always be something that they say or do which will breathe new fire into your anger. I am an exH of an exudBPDw. We have children together and have been divorced a year. She still constantly does and says things that could make me lose it.

It's therefore important for me to constantly remind myself that she is ruled by a disorder. She will never find peace, real love, or happiness if she continues on her BPD-path. Isn't that already punishment enough? If anything, we should feel sorry for them... .  

It's also important to find out why you sought this relationship. Nothing is a waste of time. We need these experiences to grow. We seek these relationships to repeat certain patterns of our childhood until we examine ourselves and stop repeating them. A relationship with a BPD is a huge wake-up call in this respect. We should try and take it as a way to move on to the right path. Your exBPD will never see it that way... .   What is crucial is that we forgive ourselves for letting the BPD do this to us... .   That is also where part of the anger comes from... .

That's a difficult road, but time and understanding BPD is a great help.

mrclear

[lostkitten]

I haven't gotten angry yet. Sure, im frustrated at the situation, at the way he treated me and our split, and how close we came. I feel cheated ... .   very, very cheated.

[HarmKrakow]

Where am I with my anger?

Good update of my side. I received a message from her. Haven't read it ... . but saw it ... .   and my mind literally exploded. All the swearwords in the dictionary went outside my mouth in the speed of a machine gun.

My goodness how she triggers me. Unbelievable that I allow her to have this emotional control over me.

[seeking balance]

Where am I with my anger?

Good update of my side. I received a message from her. Haven't read it ... . but saw it ... .   and my mind literally exploded. All the swearwords in the dictionary went outside my mouth in the speed of a machine gun.

My goodness how she triggers me. Unbelievable that I allow her to have this emotional control over me.

So, exactly what was triggered?  What in your core?  Anger really is a mask for the pain - this message represents what to you?

[HarmKrakow]

Where am I with my anger?

Good update of my side. I received a message from her. Haven't read it ... . but saw it ... .   and my mind literally exploded. All the swearwords in the dictionary went outside my mouth in the speed of a machine gun.

My goodness how she triggers me. Unbelievable that I allow her to have this emotional control over me.

So, exactly what was triggered?  What in your core?  Anger really is a mask for the pain - this message represents what to you?

What was triggered is a good question. I don't know. It's like ... . she wants to communicate, or 'seeks communication' ... . and it just ... . well ... . I overreact hugely on this but I can tell my body isn't joking with me. It means there is still so much filth of this toxic r/s inside me.

I think either it's further smear ... . or say that I broke everything she once stood for ... . or maybe a sense of communication.

It could be as simple as just a message like; how are you.

[seeking balance]

What about the act of communicating with you is hurtful?

Could it be:

- she doesn't understand your pain

- she is disrespecting you

- it just isn't fair

- are you mad at yourself that you have not blocked her

Go Deep Harm - why are you so angry?

[causticdork]

My anger is highly situational.  At any given time I feel sympathy, sadness, and distrust towards my recent BPDex, but not anger.  When I get angry is when she starts accusing me of never loving her or denying things that happened.  The latter I think triggers my anger through frustration.  It's like screaming at a brick wall.  Fights we had repeatedly and talked about after are suddenly figments of my imagination to her.  One of the issues that we fought about and discussed at length before we broke up was that if I brought up a topic she didn't want to talk about she would shut down, glare wordlessly at me while I cried and broke down and begged her to just talk to me or show the slightest emotion, and then just get up and leave to go to her mom's. 

The last time I got really angry with her she accused me of not ever loving her because (post-breakup) I wasn't answering the phone because it was late and she just wanted to cry to me about how much her life sucked and how she needed me to come rescue her.  She actually texted me to say, "I NEVER once walked away from you or left you alone when you were crying."  I was flabbergasted.  We're talking about a behavior that caused numerous fights during our relationship.  This isn't something that happened one time and I never got over it.  Suddenly she doesn't remember doing it anymore? 

I know that BPD people exhibit this particular behavior pretty regularly, and I know she can't always help it.  Ever since I ended things she's been trying to send me on guilt trip after guilt trip though (including multiple suicide threats when I try to cease contact) and her refusal to accept her role in the deterioration of our relationship is still a really heavy trigger for me.  Anyone know a good way to deal with that?  I don't like the anger.  It's not a normal state for me and I'd like to be able to deal with her without wanting to smash my face into a wall. 

[drv3006]

Caustic,  OMG you just wrote my entire relationships.  I too am trying to deal with the fact that he cannot accept any role in any thing.  I too did not respond quick enough to his texts.   Got us in that argument that never ends, however this time I was worse.  Went places I didn't need to go.  Which got me about 20 texts in an hour two voicemails at midnight and 9 more texts in the morning.  Now haven't heard from him in over 24 hours which is fine with me.  I don't care so much about his behavior anymore as I see mine going south.   That saddened me.  I hope he stays gone now.  I know I am not strong enough.  I wasn't made for constant battle.   For me its more hopelessness and dissappointment definitely on my end.  Thanks for listening.

[nowwhatz]

I get angry occasionally at my exBPDgf and blame her (though not her fault) for derailing my life in a few areas (especially my study of spanish which I have abandoned for a couple of months... .   gives me a bad feeling when I try to study... .   pisses me off and I know the only way over it is to suck it up, force myself to study and go through the emotional fire I have been avoiding).

A good outlet for me has been music. I play guitar and have recently been turned on to some sub genres of metal music that I previously didn't have a lot of exposure to. Playing and listening to metal music has been good therapy for me... .   and my bad experience with the BPDgf has no doubt inspired me to create some interesting chord progressions... .   spread the doom through music .