enMom does not respect my NC with uBPDsis

[southernsis]

UGH! Things have been super peaceful since I went NC with uBPDsis last August. After many, many years of emotional abuse, I just couldn't take it anymore and went NC. I still have the FOG and it makes me angry that I don't have a sister that is capable of a sisterly relationship. But, I am able to focus on myself, my friends, my family and getting over the emotional scars.

My enMom really wanted a super close family and to have super close children. Well, with uBPDsis, that wish did not come true. For my own wellbeing, I need to be NC with uBPDsis. She has three children and one on the way. One of the children has a 4th birthday coming up, and enMom called to remind me (I already knew that!) and to see if I would be sending a gift and card. The last time I tried to send another child a present for her birthday (after NC), it was returned to me via post with a nasty tirade in letter. After that, I decided NC with uBPDsis and her whole family. enMom just doesn't get it and calls to remind me about birthdays, events, etc. I stay calm, but it is really hard. I wish she would stop.

On a related note... .   I also have a really tough time when I see uBPDsis on Facebook when she comments on mutual friends posts and pictures. She comes off as so sweet and caring, but she's not that way with me... .   she treats me like dirt. Ugh... .   I wish I could get to a place where seeing her or hearing about her doesn't bother me.

[P.F.Change]

I wish she would stop.

Have you asked her to stop?

I used to get so irritated when my BPDm would call to tell me things about my sister, because I had a r/s with sister independent of my mother and did not need a middleman. Also, sometimes she would say very negative things or complain about my sister, and I did not like being put in the position of listening to that. So finally I told my mother I did not want to hear anything at all from her about my sister. Setting that boundary was helpful for me.

It sounds like your mother is in a world of denial. She may be less equipped than you to deal with the reality that your BPDsis is responsible for the state of her own relationships. What would it be like to tell your mother you don't want to hear anything from her about your sister or get any more reminders about birthdays?

On a related note... .   I also have a really tough time when I see uBPDsis on Facebook when she comments on mutual friends posts and pictures. She comes off as so sweet and caring, but she's not that way with me... .   she treats me like dirt. Ugh... .   I wish I could get to a place where seeing her or hearing about her doesn't bother me.

I can understand why that bothers you. When I was on FB, I blocked a few people, and then I did not even see their comments on mutual friends' statuses anymore... .   it was like they didn't exist. I don't know if things are different now. Is your sister blocked, or only unfriended?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[southernsis]

Thanks, PF

I have asked her to stop. She has gotten better, but when she does talk about my uBPDsis and I ask her to stop she gets annoyed and says it it not fair that she has to censor herself and can't tell me about my uBPDsis and her kids. Then, I just change the subject.

I can relate to your "middleman" dynamic. My family is a collection of middlemen... .   everyone talks about everyone to everyone else. I call it "palace intrigue" and I find it destructive, annoying and leads to guarding myself all the time. I suppose that is why direct and open communication and being my authentic self is so important to me in my friendships and relationship with my own family (not FOO).

I will keep setting that boundary with my mother and do my best to keep working on myself.

As far as Facebook goes, my uBPDsis has used the "defriend" button as punishment for those that displease her. I was defriended last year which was fine by me. Now I selectively block people who are mutual friends so that I don't have to see her in my feed when she comments on other people's posts and comments. I don't mean to cut them off, but if they are true friends, that doesn't happen because I have and offline friendship with them (i.e., talk on the phone, email, see each other)

Thanks again. I am very glad this site and the members are here. It has been a great support system for me.