Couples Counseling

[whereisthezen]

Anyone have any success with starting off in couples therapy. I know its a long shot, anyone have anything positive to say about it?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joe_schmoe]

By Couples Counseling do you mean Marriage Therapy? If so, we been through 4 now with no success at all.

Just my 2 cents.

[whereisthezen]

Yes, exactly what Im meaning. How did your SO react to the sessions?

[VeryFree]

Early in our r/s we tried a couple of sessions. Each session she was lying about everything she could.

Tried something different on advise of the T: working our way through different tasks of homework about the r/s. Went okay untill it was about trustissues: we had to talk about things that bothered us about our pasts. She lied again, very painfully, so I quit this kind of therapy.

T can work out, but both need to want it and need to be honest, otherwise it will not work.

In the lost months of our r/s I went to see a T. To look at myself and my doing wrongs in the r/s with as main target getting to talk with my stbx and her P. It came to close probably, cause that talk never happened.

[Cloudy Days]

I've heard Couples Counceling with a BPD partner is pretty much useless and can actually cause some problems. I have done some Couples Counceling and my husband would spend the entire time blaming our problems on me. It was never productive. The few times that it seemed productive the hour was spent focusing on him and how he feels. He would often come out of it feeling like he was ganged up on other wise.

[whereisthezen]

I am pretty much going to see what kind of reaction he'll have. Really the bar is kind of low right now and I know the risks so asking for real life input to keep guaging what to expect.

I think he'll remain open in the session as long as it stays light. Took forever to find one therapist 3 hours away by train, yeah its far. Any touches on his behavior will cause a reaction during or after. If his reaction is to continue therapy together I could see staying in the r/s. If its a meltdown on light subjects, my time is up. Its a dealbreaker for me to clearly see where we are heading or more importantly where I'm chosing to go.

Anyone else have feedback on sessions?

[whereisthezen]

Early in our r/s we tried a couple of sessions. Each session she was lying about everything she could.

* there's a good chance he will do the same if heavy issues surface.

Tried something different on advise of the T: working our way through different tasks of homework about the r/s. Went okay untill it was about trustissues: we had to talk about things that bothered us about our pasts. She lied again, very painfully, so I quit this kind of therapy.

T can work out, but both need to want it and need to be honest, otherwise it will not work.

* agreed homework works if both are honest and want it. Great point.

In the lost months of our r/s I went to see a T. To look at myself and my doing wrongs in the r/s with as main target getting to talk with my stbx and her P. It came to close probably, cause that talk never happened.

Got it, at least you were able to walk the walk, even if your partner didnt. Thats on her.

Thanks for your response VS.

[VeryFree]

I've heard Couples Counceling with a BPD partner is pretty much useless and can actually cause some problems. I have done some Couples Counceling and my husband would spend the entire time blaming our problems on me. It was never productive. The few times that it seemed productive the hour was spent focusing on him and how he feels. He would often come out of it feeling like he was ganged up on other wise.

Although not much I have attended a few sessions with different T's from my stbxw. Those sessions were mainly about the problems my w was encountering. That sessions were very helpful, for me, but also fer her and her T. It helps to point out the problems.

It were only a few, at the time my stbxw had some meds and was a bit easier going. After she stopped the meds, she also stopped to let me in.

[whereisthezen]

The meds helped? That's a shame because I've seen them do wonders with friends that have easier diagnosis' but heard they can treat symptoms ( addiction, anxiety, depression, and so on very well).

[whereisthezen]

Should have added " with people that have BPD traits"

[VeryFree]

For a year or so her P experimented with different meds on different amounts.

It was the best year in our r/s after the first three months.

In that year once she said to me: "I'm so very sorry for everything that I put you through. I know we can work it out from now".

At a certain moment she stopped the meds, without consulting the P or without speaking to me about it. At that time she switched to another P.

Later she told me she didn't want to poisson her body with chems and therefore didn't want to use meds. Besides that: take me or leave as I am.

It really is shame, but to a certain level I could then and can now understand her motives. But it is a shame.

[whereisthezen]

I bet you feel you saw a better version of her that year, your partner, the one you wanted always. I dont think mine would ever accept meds.

If that happened that would be a dealbreaker because I dont think I could go back to life before meds after seeing progress. Hugs to you for trying all your options. Im sure a better r/s is in your path!

[VeryFree]

Thanks. But for now: no thanks. The path to a new r/s isn't open yet.

Let me first finish the old one (legally, financially and emotionally) and then get a good r/s with myself, before I scare the real love of my life away 

[mitti]

Maybe a bit odd I am posting here as I am no longer with my SO but since CT was really helpful in our case I thought I should. We broke up anyway sadly, but had it not been for CT with a DBT specialist with experience from working with pwBPDs we would never have stayed together for as long as we did.

Perhaps it was different for us though than for many couples. My ex was pretty ok with possibly being a BPD sufferer. I am saying possibly because he was never clinically diagnosed and sometimes he would not even accept BPD as a valid diagnosis. He was also the one to suggest T together. Our T was not a regular CT although she had worked with couples before. She does either DBT or Schema T. She was certain he would qualify for a diagnosis and we saw her for almost a whole year.

She was very careful with him taking things slowly and she even prepared me beforehand that she might seem to agree with him and be biased in order to gain his trust. She had seen me a few times prior. After about 9 months she was really starting to get somewhere with him. He was really brave to have continued that long. Only once did he not show up after a huge fight with me but he mustered enough courage to come back. The T together with my ex was a real eye opener for me into the BPD cognitive patterns. In the end he stopped going because of a fight with me not because of the T although he did question many times whether it was healthy to feel so bad after a T session.

[yeeter]

My wife is uNPD/uBPD

Went through several therapist (8 or 9).  Some taking weeks to setup.  Some very very qualified ones.

They all ended with her painting the T black and refusing any more sessions.  (high N traits make it very hard to be effective)

I dropped MC, things have went better since dropping.

Having said that, some do have success.  It's worth a try but don't get to entrenched with the idea, it might not help

[byasliver]

H and I started out in CT but he ended it (without talking to me about it) after only a couple of months. Now we are seeing separate T's. Both of our T's now recommend working on ourselves first (giving us homework assignments to work on improving our r/s) then if there is still a need/desire we will do CT.

[whereisthezen]

Thank you all for your experiences with counseling. Everyone is different and I really have to see how he handles it as well as how the therapist interacts with us. We have to want it, try for it and be open to talking and change. I'll definitely give it my best. Thanks all!

[LetItBe]

We went to one session together, and he talked almost the entire time.  When the T would ask him a question, he could hardly stop himself from talking.  Most of the hour was spent with him talking about himself and how he was "willing" to give me 50% of his free time.  He later apologized to me, realizing I didn't get to talk much because he was so talkative.  I remember leaving that session feeling worse, not better, about our r/s.  In the end, it was helpful because the T allowed him to reveal himself in that session.  He broke up with me a couple of months afterward. Later, the T told me that she'e NEVER in all of her career heard someone say "I" or "me" so many times in an hour.  She felt strongly that he had BPD.

[whereisthezen]

Just getting on train. Off to the session. I'm going to be honest and try to engage him into speaking about how he feels about specific events or behaviors that weve gone through. Most of all I want to see him reaction, wether therapy has a good bad or neutral effect on him/us. Will update as soon as I can. Thank you all, your post have shed light on an area I know nothing about first hand!

[elessar]

Good luck with your session!

Mine didn't work. After a lot of convincing she saw a psychologist, because she felt she had other issues too, including being suicidal. Her psych told her on the first session "there is nothing wrong with you. you do not have BPD". she went with her parents a couple of weeks later (because they are the source of her misery). Her father hijacked the session, didn't let anyone else speak and ranted and ranted. I went with her after that... .   and I was shocked the lies she had told about me. I went about clearing up the lies and that made her more and more angry. I think even her therapist realized the mistake she made in telling my ex that she is completely fine. She realized how screwed up my ex's life is... .   her past, her present. Well, that session was the last for my ex. Her alternate reality was exposed as a lie and she never went.

I have read that counseling makes things work because BPDs always get so defensive. And the couple start bickering because the non believes one thing while the pwBPD lives in another reality. I think the best way would be if and when the BPD accepts they need help, starts DBT and eventually they go back to couples counseling.

[whereisthezen]

The session itself was ok, my uBPDh didnt say much but when he did it was dismissive and at times stating something that I then clarified because the way he described an issue or event to the therapist was incorrect- mostly that he believed some of the event was caused by me, when in fact I clarified, those we choices and decisions or actions that he took because he x, he y, he z and now I would like us to agree on how we are going to handle choices, decisions, actions together and in the future.  I really think he was on guard most of the session.

I talked too much, havent had the opportunity to and the therapist was asking me a lot of questions.  He then was asking m husband, are you aware of that, why do you think that is, and explaining how the issues we have infidelity, lying, deceipt, trust, BPD behaviors are not always seen in full by the person causing pain to their partner and ended up giving him worksheets and articles to read. 

It was after the session, hours later that he was angry. Lasted a day or so. I ignored it and went on with things. At that point I thought we're going to end this because his reaction is why I wanted to go to see if its possible to have positive sessions.  We could use DBT and I need to ask the therapist if he is trained.  I will do that we are supposed to return before the end of the month. supposed to, who knows if we will even be with eachother.

Next time, if we go, I am going to sit back more and let him talk.

I am beginning to work LD with my old counselor when I was in uni on the phone.  He is very helpful.

So after some negativity in our days, he wants to fix it.  Well that was yesterday.  Today maybe he wants to end it.  We are communicating, and he is giving me some insight, more than of late.

What I hear is he is confused, he is upset with himself, he cant think, he wants to know what he wants to do and he is afraid he is someone other than who he thinks he is.

(I already knew all of this, he sees this sometimes, first time he admitted to having "another personality" basically.) We're trying to get deeper.

[whereisthezen]

I know we need DBT and he needs DBT.  He did read most of the papers given to him. I dont know what they were on because he has been keeping them with him, said communication, trust, cheating and relationships.

I have a list of things that I absolutely need in a relationship, I need him to acknowledge those are important to me and that he will honor them, even if he doesnt understand today, that he with the help we have and on his own, try.

Given his illness, I have made other plans.  I have to.  I have to do for me. Counseling will help me and I have business travel so I will take some time to myself.

My other plans include returning to my regular life without him. I get some excitement from the possibility of getting renewed and working on my dreams and goals again.  I'm undecided because if he wants help and works on himself and us we could have a future.  If he cant or doesnt want to, I need to get back to me.  Love hurts sometimes but I think 90% of the time it should be amazing.  His negative behaviors dont just affect him, they affect us, they affect me.  I will sort out my feelings with counseling and also what is best for me.

I would recommend counseling to others, chose someone with DBT if you can, go easy first session, they have to want to go, want to change and have to be honest in session.  Thank you all for your thoughts, suggestions and experiences.  Every little bit helps. (I feel relief just writing this email btw, for me to get it all  off my mind helps).

[Chosen]

My uBPDh will never agree to any type of counselling (I have been seeing a C for myself, behind his back), but when we went for pre-marital counselling, holy cow, that was some of the worst scare I had in my life!

We could be talking about certain things, and anything I say that isn't 100% praising him will be met with ultimate anger.  Not in front of the T, but afterwards.  He would explode on me, giving silent treatment lasting days... .   up till this day he still sometimes use the things I said then to attack me. 

Unless one day he sees that he has a problem, I don't think for us marriage counselling will ever be useful.  If anything, it makes me so much more of a target for him.  But hope it will work for you.