Can a troubled pregnancy cause BPD?

[Emptyness]

I am new and have only been online for about a week now.  I have been wondering if my daughter's BPD could have been caused by me during my pregnancy.  When I was pregnant we had a very naughty yellow lab puppy who chewed up literally everything inside and outside of our house.  I remember being angry at him a lot, even though I am an animal lover.  Could my anger have caused my daughter's BPD?  I know we have never abused our daughter and she has not been through any trauma.  Our daughter was born with extreme colic and that seemed to last for about 2 years!  She has been difficult all her life, but when she turned 17 it got really bad.  She is now almost 19.  Anyone else have this experience?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[somuchlove]

  Emptyness,  I can't answer your question but want to welcome you here and know you will find wonderful people here to help.  THis is a tough battle helping our children.  Thankgoodness we don't have to go through it alone.

[JKN77]

Emptyness, I really doubt that that could have caused it. I believe in holistics but I don't believe that. Most of my pregnancies were stressful. I don't know why but everytime I got preg., something was going on. Sometimes things just happen. I have tried to think back to try to come up with answers too. I think in our case it is genetic.

We were not bad parents either. I do remember that I did spot quite a bit early on in my preg. with my BPD son. He also was the only one of my kids that had colic. I was able to resolve it in a short period of time though. I really do not think that has anything to do with it. We have 5 kids, my oldest has really bad adhd and possible high functioning aspergers - he is a boy, my third is BPD - a boy. I have another boy, #4 and 2 girls - all fine. There is no rhyme or reason, same mom, same dad, same parenting, just is.

He too has been difficult since early on, and not knowing what I was dealing with, I didn't handle every situation as I should have. But what is done is done. Don't beat yourself up. I am sure you are a great mom. To me this is a mental dissability, no different than autism, just maybe harder to deal with.

BTW, welcome, I am pretty new here too.

[vivekananda]

Hi Emptyness   

My dd was difficult from early on ... .   colic, hyper sensitive etc. I have a photo of her as a 14 mth old, looking at me with 'wicked eyes' - gee she was beautiful. She was trying to get me to pick her up. She learnt at an early age how to get what she wanted by hitting my buttons. Some people would think that was manipulation - but she was just doing what she needed to... .   if only I had known then what I know now... .  

In my family BPD is genetic. My dd would have always been difficult. If dh and I had done things differently, maybe it could have been different. I do think that she isn't as bad as she could be, because we did things as well as we did... .  

The past is the past, worrying about the past is wasted emotion, I think - there are more important things to consider here and now. But looking at the past can sometimes help us to understand how things happened for sure.

My dd became especially difficult at 16 and it continued like that for a few years. She came good about 23, we thought... .   maybe things will work out. It wasn't improving enough then, at 31 everything came crashing down big time. That's we began the BPD journey and things started to make sense as we learnt more about the disorder and how to work with what we had.

Vivek    

[mikmik]

Emptyness,

I think we all try to find a cause, something that happened, a moment to pin this awful disorder on.  I too had a stressful pregnancy, preterm labor, meds to stop contractions, a three year old to care for... . lots of morning sickness, in and out of hospital getting fluids.  Others on the board had normal, easy pregnancies, and are in the same spot we are in.

But as I look carefully at my dh's life, I see that when he discribes his dad, and see his behaviors (tho they are/were higher functioning) I see BPD.  More unusual in men, but there is the genetic link.  No doubt if you look back on either side of your dd's family tree, there may be someone with BPD symptoms.  It is not your fault.  It is bad, it is painful, it is unfair.  But, like so many on this board, there were signs along the way, before the big switch "turn on".  Sounds like it happened at age 16 for your dd.  I am so sorry.  But, I am glad you found this board as a means of support and a resouce for learning what you can about Borderline.

I hope you are getting care for yourself.  Hard as it may be to care for yourself first, it will be better for all involved if you are getting what you need.  I hope you have found a good therapist for your dd, who knows and understands and can stick it out with a pwBPD.


And to restate, no it is not your fault.

mik

[qcarolr]

Emptyness -

There is so much new knowledge about BPD, and it leads away from blame on the parents as the "cause". Yes, when we did not understand what was going on with our young ones, maybe we could have provided a more validating environment. Sometimes our kids were just not available to take in our love and care. I think the examples of families with troubled kids and 'normal' kids helps my understanding of this.

What has helped my in accepting my DD26 is who she is, beyond my direct control, is having my gd7 live with dh and I. We have had custody of her since she was a baby - she has always lived with us. She has issues with ADHD and anxiety, but does not have so many of the issues that her mom did. They are different people. And my experience with gd feels so much closer to what I expected raising a child would be like. This makes it easier for me with her -- well she is having an easier time relating to her world than DD ever did.

Please be kind with yourself. There is hope for your D. I found so many wonderful, supportive friends here at bpdfamily.com along with concrete tools and skills. My DD is in an overall more stable place - her good days outweigh her bad days. Though the bad days can still be really really bad. Her biggest triggers are interpersonal problems with boyfriends and other friends. Often she project this unmanageable distress onto me. My job is to take care of myself, to not take it persoanlly. Then I can keep my self-protective boudnaries in place and be there to validate her feelings when she settles down. I am lucky that she seems to always come back to me.

Keep coming back - we care, we understand.

qcr  

[griz]

Emptyness:  I have searched for so long for the answer, What caused this?  I too had a troubled pregnancy. Went into early labor in month 4 and spend 5 months on bed rest.  DD was due in February and I was taken off of bedrest in January since she was well developed and a good weight.  It was expected that she would arrive as soon as I stopped the Tributaline (the drug I was on to stop early labor) Well Feb came and went and I was induced in March.  DD was a very easy going child with the exception of never napping.  Other than that she was a good eater, pleasant to be with, never a problem.  She was like this all through her childhood and into early adolesence.  We didn't see any behavior issue other than starting at about age 9 she started having periodic issues with anxiety.  At the age of 15 DD went from being the model child to someone who I didn't know.  Depression, Anxiety and fear of Abandonment took over.

DD is 18 now and it has been a very hard 3 years. She has been through alot, bullying, sexual assault and more.  I have finally come to terms with the fact that DD most likely had the predispositon to this awful disease.  I believe it was a combination of all of the things above that happened to her that set it in motion.  I spent a tremendous amount of time trying to find blame and mostly looked within.  What did I do wrong? What did I do that  I shouldn't have?  But through lots of therapy I have finally come to realize that what matters is what will be.  There is no need to look for blame or why but only to look for answers of what will help.  I have found this site extrememly helpful in helping me. I am learning so much from everyone here and I have hope. I would not have made it this far without my friends here.

Griz

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Emptyness,



And, welcome to this board!

It's so sad, isn't it, watching your child struggle with this cruel illness?  

Every parent's first instinct is to ask themselves: "did I do something to cause this?" and the second one is: "could I have prevented this?"

That is a sign, that you love your child and care deeply for her welfare.

So, be kind to yourself on your journey helping your child, and, welcome, again!

[Emptyness]

Thank you for your replies I sat down after cleaning all morning and found your kindness overwhelming.  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

You are all right, what is over is over.  I just wish it were easier to deal with.  I am so thankful for this group of supporters like you.

[vivekananda]

stay with us Emptyness, there is much you can benefit from on this site. Explore all we have here, articles etc. Read the posts and contribute to the discussion. And let us know how it is for you and if there is any way we can help you come to grips with BPD. We are all going through the same thing - we are a community 

Cheers,

Vivek