Having a very hard time dealing with ultra-critical husband

[Chosen]

Yesterday, uBPDh was asking me something over text, and I gave my reply.  Not sarcastic, but a little bit humourous.  His reply was (another language's equivalent of): "Thanks.  Now you shut the f- up."

So I replied, "?"  and "Why STFU?"

And then he went on about how I didn't see the "thanks" part and only saw the "STFU" part, which shows I am a negative person and it just goes to show that I only see the negative in everything and never appreciate him.  Then he ended the text with saying "you should go and have a think and reflect on your behaviours".

I then left my phone and didn't reply for like 20 minutes.  When I came back there were a few texts, first saying "Hello", then saying "Typical of you.  Withdraw whenever you want to.  Proves you are self-righteous and stubborn."  I then texted him and said "I was thinking and reflecting" (ok actually I wasn't but I was trying to calm myself down so I don't get dragged into a stupid argument), and "I thought that was what you told me to do."  Then he immediately texted me a  and said "That's good", then turned to another topic like he hadn't been rude to me and he didn't become all judgmental on me and misjudged.

I managed to keep calm the entire night although I can feel him trying to provoke me, partly because I was so tired already, and partly because I don't want to start things off... .   it's no good for either person.  But this morning, I arrive at work and immediately saw an email (he arrives at work earlier than me) saying I don't accept corrections and I’m stubborn.  He also said that I claim to love him the most so no matter how many times he corrects me I should never say “You have told me many times already”.  Then he asked “understand? ” and went on in his email about what he will do today.

I only replied “Understand.” Then closed my browser.  Then came here (so incredibly busy but I’m on the verge of tears).  I am just at a lost at why he suddenly went on about these things!  Besides “pointing out” that he was rude (and I didn’t even say that, only asked why he told me to STFU), I didn’t do anything “wrong” yesterday- didn’t talk back, didn’t argue.  It was him who was rude, then misjudged me (by saying I’m withdrawing, unwilling to accept his criticism etc.), and I’m wrong for having point that out?  I’m already working and studying at the same time, my boss at work has psychiatric problems and criticizes me every day, and I’m coming home to this?  I want to stay calm and just let the storm pass but I just find it difficult.  He puts me in positions that I can neither ignore (as he will say I’m withdrawing, being rude), and cannot fight (which means war).  So he criticizes me no matter how I do, and I’m expected to stay pleasant, never even be unhappy about it?  I can do it for like a day at a time (I had lots of training) but I can’t do it if it goes on for days!  How to deal with it?  Any tips?  And any idea why he does this out of the blue, except for the fact that he wants to strike up an argument?

Sorry for going on for so long… gotta express myself somewhere otherwise I’m going mad too.

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[Rockylove]

HUGE  !

I get this often enough.  I have found that when it's happening, my bf is stressing about something.  He won't generally come right out and say what it is, but I eventually get him to talk (if I'm not too exhausted and overwhelmed myself).  It's difficult to always be patient with this type of behavior~~I lost my ___ the other day and I do regret that. 

I don't really have any good answers for you other than to keep practicing the tools and techniques so they become part of you and automatic responses~~not to say that we should be robotic, but that you're more in tune, I suppose.  I have to stay focused or I get fleas

[standing firm]

Hi Chosen

No answers but I really empathise. My uBPDh repeatedly tells me I have to "change my character".  I found that I was focusing too much on myself and had a revelation last week: focus on what I enjoy and what's good in my life. Protecting your own personal self esteem is really important.

[daylily]

Hi Chosen,

  As you so wisely pointed out in your response to my post, we are human, and when we're already feeling vulnerable, it's so hard to put up with all of these attacks when what we really need (and deserve) is support and bolstering! 

I think you did great under the circumstances!  You didn't take the bait, which I think is why he kept trying.  ":)idn't work, I'll try again."  "That didn't work either, I'll try again a little differently."  "Oh, gotta try another button, that one didn't work either."  I know it's so hard to put up with this, but you have to know that you're being so strong and wise when you don't fall for his continuous baiting!   

  Daylily

[Vindi]

chosen,... .   tell him how you feel, honestly, just say that he is critical, say this in a calm manner, a calm voice and let him know how you feel... .   then walk away, into another room, spend time alone, just walk away... .   you don't need to have him being critical, let him know how important this topic is, and how he can change things... .   you don't have to deal with this, speak up and tell him! I wish you luck, cuz my bf does this alot and I tell him, out and out, stop being so critical... .   and then i walk away and spend time alone... .   then he calms down.

[Chosen]

You know what I say to myself to encouarge myself not to blow it up? 

I keep telling myself, "I have stayed calm for so many hours, if I make a fuss now I'll be wasting all those hours of not blowing up!"

He seems to be feeling a little bit better now.

Rockylove, I think he is usually stressed about something else when he gets irritable at me too.  But I can never get him to talk, and to be honest, doing detective work when his emotions are coming strong is hard.  It's probably easier to talk as little as possible so there is less chance of myself getting misinterpreted.

Vindi, I have tried this and it doesn't really work, except when he is getting REALLY irritable (like he can't stop criticising me), then every once in a while I will ask him, "Is something bothering you?  Because it seems that you are feeling very annoyed by me right now."  Sometimes that makes him slow down his pace of criticism, sometimes no.  I can't tell him to stop being critical, because he turns that around and will say I am unwilling to accept my own mistakes and I shut him up whenever I don't want him to talk.  I kind of just say, "hmm", "yes", then zone out mostly... .  

[Sammamish]

Hi Chosen,

Sorry to hear about your H's constant criticism, sounds like you handled it as best you could Unfortunately this sounds all too familiar, especially the line "you should go and have a think and reflect on your behaviours".

That is a typical response from my uBPDw. Often she will paint me black for little/no reason and then totally shut down when I try to respond, saying "I dont want to talk to you anymore", like she has got it all out of her system and just transferred all her negativity to me! So frustrating!