How do you cope with the guilt?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Basically I am pretty sure my ex had BPD... .  

Things got really rocky and she split me black, painted me black and hates my guts.

I can't blame her, this is a disorder, it's not her choice... .   BUT MY GOD! I feel guilty, like I should have realised, helped and done more at the time. I'd got as far as getting her to see a therapist, but she split before I was aware of a diagnosis.

How do you rationalize and not feel guilty?

[Undone123]

Basically I am pretty sure my ex had BPD... .  

Things got really rocky and she split me black, painted me black and hates my guts.

I can't blame her, this is a disorder, it's not her choice... .   BUT MY GOD! I feel guilty, like I should have realised, helped and done more at the time. I'd got as far as getting her to see a therapist, but she split before I was aware of a diagnosis.

How do you rationalize and not feel guilty?

[mitchell16]

I wrestled with this also. As for me I replayed every scenario over and over in my head and I finaly came to the conclusion that I couldnt have done anymore or really done anything diffrent. I finally let go of the guilt and just started trying to live my life. Oh, at times is still pops up in my head but really what can you do. You cant make someone get help. With BPD i found it gets even more confusing because they dont really believe they have a problem. BUt I saw moments with mine where she would aknowledge she had something wrong with her but she would quickley forget it or flip it around a day or so later and make it everyone else who had the problem. They just cant maintain any consitency. just my take on it

[Undone123]

Good advice! Do you think I should let maybe her mother know what we've gone through? to keep an eye out?

I know she's painted me black to her mother, but at least it would have been done

[mango_flower]

There are so many things I wish I had done differently.

If I tell my friends, they think I'm crazy. That I did SO much for her. 

But I know there were times when I could have done more.  I could have spent more time with her, not been grumpy after work some days, not pushed her away emotionally when I was struggling with depression (I still told her I loved her everyday, I just didn't want to talk on such a deep level).

I will always wonder "what if", and that kills me.

My good friends tell me I am only human and nobody is perfect, and that I did more for her than anyone ever has.  And if she was a normal, balanced adult, I'd agree, and say that we both had parts in which we were to blame, the communication broke down.

But when I think of her in terms of BPD (I did not know it at the time that she had it), I realise how much more I could have done.  How much I failed her.  How she needed me to go that extra mile due to her fears and insecurities.  And I didn't.

So I guess in many ways I deserve to have lost her  :'(

I wish I didn't think like this.  Some days I don't, I think "wow, she behaved BADLY.  She didn't give me a CHANCE!". But as soon as I think in terms of her being a scared and emotionally under-developed child, the guilt kicks in.  I failed her.  I didn't do enough.  I didn't make her feel safe.

Guilt

Guilt

Guilt

I wish I had an answer to your question, I wish I could tell you something insightful.  I'm sorry I can't.  All I can do is let you know that you're not alone. x

[Undone123]

There are so many things I wish I had done differently.

If I tell my friends, they think I'm crazy. That I did SO much for her. 

But I know there were times when I could have done more.  I could have spent more time with her, not been grumpy after work some days, not pushed her away emotionally when I was struggling with depression (I still told her I loved her everyday, I just didn't want to talk on such a deep level).

I will always wonder "what if", and that kills me.

My good friends tell me I am only human and nobody is perfect, and that I did more for her than anyone ever has.  And if she was a normal, balanced adult, I'd agree, and say that we both had parts in which we were to blame, the communication broke down.

But when I think of her in terms of BPD (I did not know it at the time that she had it), I realise how much more I could have done.  How much I failed her.  How she needed me to go that extra mile due to her fears and insecurities.  And I didn't.

So I guess in many ways I deserve to have lost her  :'(

I wish I didn't think like this.  Some days I don't, I think "wow, she behaved BADLY.  She didn't give me a CHANCE!". But as soon as I think in terms of her being a scared and emotionally under-developed child, the guilt kicks in.  I failed her.  I didn't do enough.  I didn't make her feel safe.

Guilt

Guilt

Guilt

I wish I had an answer to your question, I wish I could tell you something insightful.  I'm sorry I can't.  All I can do is let you know that you're not alone. x

Exactly the same boat! What is heartbreaking for me is, my ex is with a new guy now. She's not admitting the problem, the cycle is just going to continue... .   She will go through a honeymoon with this guy, and the same emotional instability will arise... .   I think of her and it's just so tragic.

[j4c]

I found after i broke up with my uexBPDgf that out of the many emotions i felt, guilt wasnt really one of them! Even though we werent together that long compared to others on here, I always tried to be the best boyfriend i could possibly be with that girl! At the time I'd never heard of BPD/NPD so to me it just felt like I'd met the most ungrateful, selfish woman in the world! (not all the time of course)

Knowing what i know now about how she suffers with the intimacy and closeness that relationships bring, I feel much sorrow for her and i always will to some degree. But this doesnt make me feel guilt. I know in my own head that i did everything i possibly could given the situation & my lack of awareness about BPD.

Do i feel sadness for her? Yes.

Do i wish I'd have known about BPD during our r/s? Yes.

Do i feel guilty because I could've done more? No!

[sunrising]

It's helped me to think about fair/ reasonable expectations during a relationship.  I was compassionate, loyal, committed, caring, honest, loving, understanding, etc.  I was these things almost without exception, and loyalty and commitment were never in question on my end (though they were on her's).   I had never even heard of BPD until after we broke up.  Even if I had, is it a fair/reasonable expectation that I should have been (or learned to be) an expert at communicating with a pwBPD traits?  I don't think that's a fair or reasonable expectation of hardly anyone.  Developing those communication, etc skills is certainly a route a person can choose to try to make a relationship work, but I don't think it can be expected of most people.  In my opinion, it's too much of a sacrifice of self/ happiness to ask of most people, and I think it takes a special kind of person to communicate with a pwBPD and be happy IN the relationship.  Personally, I want a relationship I'm happy IN, not happy DESPITE OF... .  

[paperlung]

Me? I don't feel guilty because I know I tried my best, and my best wasn't apparently good enough for her in the end so... .   whatever.

[mitchell16]

Dank , I myself wouldnt let her mother know. What would be the point? Mine is such a talent actress she would twist it around and make me look teh one who has the problem. I would just let it along, most likely her mother already has a clue something wrong with her.

I dont have guilt, maybe I would feel better if I did. I know in my heart that I could have done anything better or diffrent. Maybe in tehb evry beginning like 3 or 6 months in teh realtionship when issued popped up. I could have handled them better but I didnt have a clue about BPD, never heard of it. I just knew something wasnt right but she convinced me it was all my behaviors that was triggering it. When she pushed, I ran to her harder. When she made of false accusations against me. I defended myself... . When I learned about BPD. I stopped most of it. There where times when her false accustion got to much and I just could let it slide but for the most part I just would let it go. The last few times she pushed I just walked. she would call me, I allowed a recycle and it started all over. But that itself started creating problems becasue if I didnt respond she just got nastier and nastier. if she pushed and I walked away. Then she had even more ammo and started saying I jsut didnt care about her anymore. So no way to do the right thing, even following her own instruction to the letter didnt help, because she changed the instructions when it suited her. and once again I was wrong. So i dont have guilt. I have sadness becasue I love her and wished I could make it work. I have sadness for the loss of something that could be great, sadness for wasted time from my life.

[jaird]

I have guilt over mistakes I did make early on in the r/s, but I honestly changed and committed myself to my ex, so I have very little guilt over the ending of the r/s. She chose not see that I was a better man, and she chose to use old events from the past to split me.

As far as wanting to help them, and therapy-I did all I could for my ex, including finding a T by her that specializes in DBT therapy. She chose not to go. You can't feel guilt because they are disordered and don't help themselves. No one can force another person into therapy.

[Undone123]

Dank , I myself wouldnt let her mother know. What would be the point? Mine is such a talent actress she would twist it around and make me look teh one who has the problem. I would just let it along, most likely her mother already has a clue something wrong with her.

I dont have guilt, maybe I would feel better if I did. I know in my heart that I could have done anything better or diffrent. Maybe in tehb evry beginning like 3 or 6 months in teh realtionship when issued popped up. I could have handled them better but I didnt have a clue about BPD, never heard of it. I just knew something wasnt right but she convinced me it was all my behaviors that was triggering it. When she pushed, I ran to her harder. When she made of false accusations against me. I defended myself... . When I learned about BPD. I stopped most of it. There where times when her false accustion got to much and I just could let it slide but for the most part I just would let it go. The last few times she pushed I just walked. she would call me, I allowed a recycle and it started all over. But that itself started creating problems becasue if I didnt respond she just got nastier and nastier. if she pushed and I walked away. Then she had even more ammo and started saying I jsut didnt care about her anymore. So no way to do the right thing, even following her own instruction to the letter didnt help, because she changed the instructions when it suited her. and once again I was wrong. So i dont have guilt. I have sadness becasue I love her and wished I could make it work. I have sadness for the loss of something that could be great, sadness for wasted time from my life.

Best piece of advice! Thanks!

It's mad you know, I feel ever so guilty, but am dealing with it... .   It was her choice. You know, the conversation she ended it with me, was the same conversation I told her I was getting tested for Lymphoma. Granted we had a bad month, but there's no way I'd end it with someone because of a bad month knowing that... .   This week I've been for some tests, and I have more next week. She should have been there! I wonder if she has any remorse, or even has thought about me since?

[jaird]

Dank , I myself wouldnt let her mother know. What would be the point? Mine is such a talent actress she would twist it around and make me look teh one who has the problem. I would just let it along, most likely her mother already has a clue something wrong with her.

I dont have guilt, maybe I would feel better if I did. I know in my heart that I could have done anything better or diffrent. Maybe in tehb evry beginning like 3 or 6 months in teh realtionship when issued popped up. I could have handled them better but I didnt have a clue about BPD, never heard of it. I just knew something wasnt right but she convinced me it was all my behaviors that was triggering it. When she pushed, I ran to her harder. When she made of false accusations against me. I defended myself... . When I learned about BPD. I stopped most of it. There where times when her false accustion got to much and I just could let it slide but for the most part I just would let it go. The last few times she pushed I just walked. she would call me, I allowed a recycle and it started all over. But that itself started creating problems becasue if I didnt respond she just got nastier and nastier. if she pushed and I walked away. Then she had even more ammo and started saying I jsut didnt care about her anymore. So no way to do the right thing, even following her own instruction to the letter didnt help, because she changed the instructions when it suited her. and once again I was wrong. So i dont have guilt. I have sadness becasue I love her and wished I could make it work. I have sadness for the loss of something that could be great, sadness for wasted time from my life.

Best piece of advice! Thanks!

It's mad you know, I feel ever so guilty, but am dealing with it... .   It was her choice. You know, the conversation she ended it with me, was the same conversation I told her I was getting tested for Lymphoma. Granted we had a bad month, but there's no way I'd end it with someone because of a bad month knowing that... .   This week I've been for some tests, and I have more next week. She should have been there! I wonder if she has any remorse, or even has thought about me since?

It's amazing how similar everyone's stories are, and how they really just don't care at the end. It's like you were a piece of trash along the highway, and they just sped by.

[clairedair]

You know, the conversation she ended it with me, was the same conversation I told her I was getting tested for Lymphoma. we had a bad month, but there's no way I'd end it with someone because of a bad month knowing that... .   This week I've been for some tests, and I have more next week. She should have been there! I wonder if she has any remorse, or even has thought about me since?

Hi Dank

this is something else that, sadly, seems common here - pwBPD leaving at a point when they are most needed.    My exH did this several times.  There was a pattern of being totally there for a very short time followed by withdrawal. And yet, when we were separated, he could get very anxious about my health.  As with so many things, it doesn't add up.

Isn't it daft that you are feeling guilty about letting her down when she was so clueless about your feelings?  But that's what we seem to do - worry more about our partners than ourselves; beat ourselves even though we did everything we could whilst letting them off with, frankly, abusive behaviours. 

What would it be like to give ourselves the same love, tenderness and care that we gave our partners?  Wouldn't that be a better investment?  Then maybe we'd be in a better place to find a healthy relationship based on mutual love, respect and trust (and no guilt!)

[Undone123]

Do you think they feel any guilt or remorse?

[clairedair]

In my situation - yes. 

Exh has apologised several times.  He often has great insight into how damaging to others his behaviour is.  I think he feels very guilty but that the more he feels this, the more he tries to avoid the feeling by repeating the very behaviour he was sorry for in the first place.  For example, he apologises for the 'coming and going', I feel safe then to express the impact on me and kids, he feels worse, leaves and then moves straight to a new 'shiny' life where he doesn't have to feel bad because someone new is telling him he's wonderful.

Remorse to me implies that you don't repeat the hurtful behaviour.

The other thing that happens is that he can be very sorry and then very quickly find a way to put the guilt on me.

Seeing how sorry he is and how it affects him is one reason I kept going back - I was sure that at some point he would be able to stay with these feelings and we'd get to a place where we could move forward.   Instead, he just repeats a pattern of trying to find something/someone to 'make it all better'.

I think the feeling that has most impact is not guilt or remorse but shame.  I think my exH's deep-seated feeling of not being good enough is a driver for most of his destructive behaviours.