Confused with constant accussations

[Pou]

My NPD wife has a history of making extreme stuff about me.  For example, one time she flipped out and accused of me something that I did not do and got me arrested and later I got out of the hook because she was the one who gave me a fat lip and so she had to work with me to get our charges dropped.  The police said that i was very lucky because without my fat lip, no one would believe me.  in sum, if you are a guy and you get accused by a woman for domestic violence, you are guilty for sure unless you can prove with a recorder or some sort.  My wife has been sending me these accussational emails regarding how I am violent and how I hide our finances and etc.  She won't talk to me because she accuses that I yell at her when topics come up... .   I was ?  I don't get it.  we are trying to raise three kids together and work ... . with these kids and work, I really have no time or energy to be fighting about anything else ... .   but whenever she gets spare time, she writes these really strange and accussational emails.  I know she could escalate to the point where police can get involved.  I try to stay out of her way because I worry for my kids.  It would be traumatic to them.  This is so crazy... .   she writes these nasty strange accusational emails after I make her capuccino, breakfast and doing good stuff for her.  She seldom ever make even a cup of coffee for me.  essentially, she steps all over me ... .   but for the sake of kids, I take the crap ... .   but i am worried if she is just having episodes when she writes those nasty accussational emails or she is plotting for something more sinister.  ugggg... .   i don't get it.  we have 3 beautiful kids and financially we are well off, but she never recognize that and she keeps on asking for more and wanting more and doesn't want to plan ... .   I guess she fits the "grandiosity" aspect of the personality disorder.  If I voice out about any expense, she immediately accuse me of yelling and abuse.  not sure what i have to do from here ... .   i try very hard to stay for the sake of my children ... .   but I am afraid that this family will be broken apart in the end.  I don't think she will be happier when that happens... .   but why she keeps on pushing for that ?  i guess logic doesn't dictate personality disorder?

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[Rockylove]

i guess logic doesn't dictate personality disorder?

  It's not easy.  And there are times when it all defies logic.  I am left scratching my head over some of the things my bf says.  Have you read through the lessons?  I know there's a lot to absorb, but I spent many hours reading and learning just what I was up against.  It helped me make better decisions based on what I feel is right for me.  You have children to consider and all that you are going through ultimately effects them.  I hope there is a way for you to work somethings out with your wife~~whether you stay with her or not.

[Cloudy Days]

You said she has NPD, that's a little harder to deal with. My husband does the accusations too and they drive me insane. I have still not mastered validation when he is accusing me of stuff. I'm getting better though. I try very hard not to own his emotions. I even told him yesterday to stop pushing his emotions on me because that wasn't how I felt. It was through texting but instead of a blow up I got a response of "Whatever" I will take it!

He accuses me of cheating or he tells me that I want a divorce when I thought we were doing good. It always catches me off gaurd cause I think things are going well. I guess you just never know what's going on in their head.

[Pou]

rocky and cloudy days... . thank you for your kind words.

I do want to work it out for the sake of kids.  in reality, i get really really frustrated when i can not have a logical and rational conversation to resolve any problems.  For example, she never ever think in terms of budget.  we have 3 kids ... .   i am worry sick about the budget, because I want to give them competitive advantage.  we are doing well, but i grew up with nothing and had to work ever since I was 12.  I want my kids to have the option to work as a learning experience and not so much out of necessity.  If I disagree with her how finance is handled, just a pure discussion will leading to various nasty accusations about me.  Other things like if I want to honor my deceased dad, she would start to call me a racist (yeah... .   I know, it is like where did that come from?) and how I prohibit her from honoring her dad and etc... .   even after I encouraged her to honor her dad... .   which is a bad idea, because she simply will turn it around and say it is me and/or my mother prohibit her from doing it).  When her father passed away, I helped them communicated with the doctors at his last stage and helped arranged the funeral and etc.  when my father passed, she was so cold and had this strange grim on her face.  I spoke at her father's funeral and I asked her if she wanted to do the same for my dad ... . she coldly responded, "what for?".  And she ignored me.  I have to say ... .   that my experience endured with my wife made me much tougher.  I realize that not everyone will find love and finding love is like winning a lottery.  few people will win, but more people don't win.  I am okay for not being the winning one, it is just fact of life, you accept it and move on.  I got wonderful kids, and that is where I will focus my positivity on.  However, I do wonder frequently how I got myself in this situation.  I get depressed more often than I should ... .   but my kids keeps my heart filled with joy.  so they keep my head straight so I keep myself strong.  If I don't take care of myself, how will I be able to take care of them?  So I keep on going forward, knowing that is only thing I can do.  I am a simple person, perhaps a bit on the boring side... .   I get content quite easily ... .   I don't need much to feel satisfied materialistically or emotionally.  but it really would be nice to have someone "get" who I am ... .   it is not easy.  I guess in life, you get the cards that you are dealt with and do the best you can with them.  I like this forum ... .   because I read about others' problems ... .   and then I don't feel so alone.  But then when I leave it for a couple days ... .   I feel like I am the only one who is going through it again ... .   so I check back in... .   stay grounded.  Nice people post responses like yourselves ... .   keep my situation in perspective.  I wish you all and myself much luck, as we all need it in this situation.

[Mono No Aware]

Pou, you are totally not alone. I too am a logical person who get accused of illogical and hurtful things.

It's immensely hard to deal with these false accusations. From our perspective it's a case of they know and exploit our vulnerability, but from a larger point of view we can see that they are just lashing out at the ones they love because they have so much hurt inside them.

Good luck and hang in there man!

- Mono

[VeryFree]

Lot of us out here Pou.

At this moment I'm being a suspect in an ongoing investigation of DV. And I swear: I didn't any wrong, but in fact she was the one who tried to molest me.

Hang in there! 

[hithere]

It sounds to me like she is building a long-lasting case of abuse to make sure if a divorce happens that she keeps the kids and gets lots of money from you... .   sorry but that is what I think from what you are saying.

[shanevil]

Please be careful about the emails, and accusations. hithere is correct, she is building a case against you and it is hard to recognize it as such because it makes no logical sense. (there is no logic with my BPD) But you will see all of it in the divorce documents. sorry. hang in there!

[Blazing Star]

This sounds tough Pou, confusing and challenging. 

I am wondering if you have experimented with different responses to her? And if by validating her feelings (ignoring that they are directed at you), results in diffusing them?

Do you reply to her emails? What do you think would happen if you replied with brief validation, and said you would love to talk about it when she is feeling able to have a calm conversation?

Love Blazing Star

[hithere]

it is hard to recognize it as such because it makes no logical sense.

Not only that but most judges will error on the side of caution, furthermore if they don't understand what is wrong with her and there is no medical evidence then I think it might be easy to get a ruling against you.  Please start keeping a journal of her behavior and make sure to deny anything she accuses you of in writing, also put in those emails what you think she has done to contribute to these problems, she might be less likely to try and use them against you if they don't put her in a very good light.

In my lay-persons opinion you need to protect yourself at this point.

[Pou]

Mono, Thanks for the support. 

VeryScared, DV charges for a guy is consider guilty before innocent.  It is such a horrible accusation for a good guy to handle.  Be strong and have faith in getting yourself cleared of the accusation. 

Hithere and Shanevil, I think you are absolutely correct ... .     I asked her in the email what is she up to for keep sending me the ugly accussations when she clearly know they are not true.  Not much I can do ... .   though.  The weird thing is that she makes really outrageous claims that they are just plain nutty.  Sometimes, I worry that she may have mental illness that is more then just personality disorder.  I don't know, but the most obvious thing would be that she is setting up for a divorce.  I asked her before if she wanted a divorce or if there is someone else, I am okay with working it out peacefully.  Honestly, my concern is really about our three kids.  How they will do if we do end up getting a divorce.  I am at the age that I am okay not to be in love ... .   it is like I am at the age similar to a child when I knew there is no Santa Clause or Spiderman was a fictional character ... .   love from a partner to me at this point seems to be something along that line.   

Blazing Star, thank you for the supporting words and suggestions.  I have tried all different ways.  She reacts to my different approaches by adamantly affirming her accussations and piling them on ... .   from no where ... .   be honest with you, my best defense is to run away from her, which now I do... .   and only email her back ... .   I eventually stopped... . because she would email me back with more and more accusations... .   sometimes, when I read these emails, I get this drawning sensation... .   gasping for air (feels like it, but not physically). 

[Mara2]

Pou, when my BPDh started with physical abuse I was told by my therapist to keep a paper trail that could prove it was him and not me.  BPDs are good at convincing others they are the ones under attack.  It was actually good to get in the court system that you were not the one being abusive.  Save everything!  Hopefully, you will never need it, but it sounds like you might. 

I have been married almost 17 years and we have 4 kids.  I kept thinking it would be better for all of us if I just hung in there, but in the end I have to see how it was not good for the kids to grow up with that.  Please do read the lessons- they help so much!  Don't think it will get better by trying the same things.    I tried that. 

Right now I am seperated from my h until he becomes a safe person.  He is in counseling twice a week and wants to come home.  I have to say no over and over again.  He is persistant! 

BTW- My h accuses me of being boring because I am content with little and am a rather calm person.  Too bad for him, I like me! 

[Chosen]

Hi Pou,

Unfortunately PDs mean they defy "normal" logic.  In my case, sometimes I think my uBPDh has certain NPD aspects too (when he is dysregulated), although most of the time he is more BPD.  I'm not sure, he has not been dx and he certainly doesn't think he has a problem.

But when he is dysregulated, everything can be spin around.  Say he would get heated up, he would throw things, break things etc (less nowadays), and he would verbally abuse me (much less nowadays, thank God), but he would say I am verbally abusing him and I have trouble containing my anger.  Even though evidence around the house would say otherwise. 

What frustrates me the most is that whatever you accuse him of, he accuses you 100 times worse.  Say if I even mention he is being rude, he will say I am always disrespectful and I abuse him.  I guess mentioning things to pwBPDs/ NPDs is an art- how do we get the message across in a gentle way so they get the content but not feel attacked?  This is the question, and I have no good answer for you now- I'm just going through trial and error all the time! 

Take care.

[Pou]

Mara 2 - I applaud your tenacity.  I have 3 kids.  when they are happy, all these hardship kind of washed away.  You have 4 kids and you endured all these years.  Kids must have kept you in it... .   I presume.  But I think if things progressed to the point of separation, I am not sure if I could stay ... .   just because I kind blocked all the pain in order to function at some level.  If I get time to myself, not sure if I will be tough enough wanting to make it work again.  Perhaps, if kids wanted us to work out... . I would definitely give many many tries at that point.  I guess I do not know the answer until I come across that bridge.

Chosen - "dysregulation" is really a good way to describe my interactions with my NPD-wife.  If is all the logic and common sense are just thrown out of the window, then how does any one solve any problems without acknowledging what really went on.  It is just not possible.  You said "What frustrates me the most is that whatever you accuse him of, he accuses you 100 times worse." ... .   I totally get that.  Also, has he just invent all these things out of thin air and use them as a way to control your lives together and how a conversation should go in according to her liking?  I gave up all the decision rights in my house hold and try to acomodate her for her needs.  I don't want to fight ... . I am so tired.  Even with that approach, she still finds ways to pick on fights and accuse. 

Mara2 and Chosen and all of the previous posters, thanks all for listening and I hope your situations will work out in the end and I hope mine will too.