This time 12 months ago I was being painted black
If I was ever likely to romanticise any of the good times, then going back to the facts helps me maintain my perspective.
I went back to our old emails dated exactly today last year and it was an eye opener! I cried my heart out when I read my desperate pleas to be left alone, telling him that nothing works. I never retaliated back, only asking to be left alone, that I'd rather be dead than endure the daily hate torment and threats I was receiving. I really meant it too. I remember truly believing that I couldn't go on, and was utterly convinced he wanted me dead. Why else would someone do this to another human being? :'( This went on for months, going blacker and blacker, and I seemed to be his pet torment entertainment. Till I broke completely and planned to get a restraining order and he left town.
Flick forward to now and my life is a wonderful serene joy by comparison. I learned about BPD from this forum and the healing began. i now only have friends around me, friends being people who are people that care for me and who make me a better person. The ex still rears his ugly head periodically for gawd knows what! still he abstains from saying sorry, wants to be friends and remind me all he supposedly did for me. He is delusional, but most importantly he is not in my life anymore and never will be.
Most of his behavior I will never understand, and that sucks, but I have learned that this a process and everyday without the 24/7 toxic gas that BPD is, is a blessing in my book. Day by day into the light, bright, breezy, easy future.
