How can I tell my uBPD mother this?

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

My boyfriend and I are going to get married, and well... .   I'm so naive, I didn't realize that the brides family traditionally pays for everything... .   and I feel so bad I don't know what to do. I'm so dumb I didn't know that, I said to my boyfriend that my parents have never helped me with anything, and I wasn't sure. Being the wonderful man he is, he said its okay that I should just take my time and figure out the right time to talk to them.

I know my step dad is okay with it, he would try with the little he has... .  

I am afraid of telling my mother anything about my boyfriend and I... .   because I dont want to give her ammunition to use to hurt me. Sometimes I talk to him on the phone and she goes "Who are you talking to?" with this look in her eye like I did something bad... .   and I say I've been talking to him, and she stays quiet, and she does that sometimes ... .   for two reasons

1) She will forget about it soon ... .  

2) She is waiting for the opportune moment to start taking something I like away, or making me hate the very thing I love. (which is impossible because I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend)


I dont mean to make her sound like a bad person, I love her dearly, I really really do... .   even with all the hurts, I forgive her because thats what Jesus did for me... .   I pray for her, and pray for our relationship... .   its just


Sometimes shes fine, sometimes she sabotages what I love and sometimes she surprises me and is totally fine. I know that some BPDs get real bad if they find out you're "leaving the nest"

I just dont know, anybody have any advice on how to talk to uBPD parent about getting married? about financing the wedding? etc etc etc

I could use all the help I can get

[P.F.Change]

What exciting news! I'm happy for you.

Yes, traditionally, the bride's family has thrown (and paid for) the wedding. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS THAT WAY. Nowadays, it is more and more common for the couple to pay for things themselves, or for both families to divide costs, or even just elope. You don't even have to invite your mother if you don't want to. You don't have to have any big parties... .   all you need is a license, an officiant, a witness, and you two.

Parents with BPD don't typically handle the news well that their child is getting married. You know what your mother is like and how she will probably respond. The most important thing is for you to stay SAFE. You are not obligated to say a single word to her about your plans if you don't want to, and you don't have to ask for or accept a single penny from her OR your stepfather.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[ScarletOlive]

Congratulations! This is such an exciting time for you! I wish you every success and happiness in this.

You have a beautiful heart, and you haven't made your mother sound like a bad person. She's a hurting, ill person who has hurt you but whom you love and forgive anyway. I can imagine it must be tough to have to broach this subject with your mother and not know how she might react. P.F.Change is right, you don't have to have your family pay for the wedding unless you want them too. A wedding is your special moment. What do you want for your wedding? Who do you want to come to your wedding? You are what matters here.

[Marcia]

I don't have a lot to add to the great reactions already registered here, but I will say that I think size and costs of weddings are often out of hand these days. I would encourage engaged couples, no matter what their family dynamic, to not be afraid to be budget minded on their ceremonies and receptions. Something in a park or backyard, snacks and a cake, simple music solutions, will probably as memorable and exciting as the $20 K version.

[cherrybabi_1]

Congratulations, this a very exciting time for you and your hubby to be! Today many couples pay for their own weddings. There was a time when tradition was for your soon to be husband to give your father 2 goats and pig for you and that was that! Traditions changes and become out dated. Consider all of the risk before you ask for your mothers help with your wedding. Will your wedding day be a good day or bad day for her? You don't want to walk on egg shells on your big day!

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Thanks for the congrats everyone. I am still debating what to do, but one thing I do know... .   I have noo idea what my mom thinks , I've never been down this road before 0_0

[Empire81842]

Is your fiance comfortable with the notion that you do not have your family pay for the wedding? That is an old tradition with bride's family paying, and many do not follow it anymore. Also, don't put yourself down for not knowing traditions. That's something your family might do - put you down - but you should be kind to yourself. Anyway, it is important that you talk to your fiance. I may be incorrectly reading between the lines (and if I am, I apologize!), but it sounds to me like he told you to take your time asking your family to pay for the wedding. Does he understand how crazy they are? Does he realize that if they pay, it opens the floodgates for them to control the wedding AND inject it with their drama and crazy?

I got engaged fairly recently, and I have a lot of anxiety over how we will afford to have ANY kind of ceremony. Everything costs a fortune where we live, but we don't simply want to elope. But one thing I knew - and which my fiance is with me on 100% - is that we will NEVER accept money from my family towards our wedding. uBPDm hates him and has made enDad feel the same. Money from them would be a stain on our marriage (and with strings attached.)

ETA: My experience with telling my family consisted of two minutes of silence while I was put on hold so my enDad could force uBPD to get on the phone and even speak to me. She never once said "congratulations" and she instead made disinterested small talk in her sing-song-y voice which I know from experience is accompanied by a fake, forced smile/smirk. This was always her face and tone when she had to fake any kind of non-negative emotion. The "warmest" thing either of them said was enDad, who said, "If you think this is a good thing, then I guess I'm happy for you."

So just be ready. If she is truly BPD, chances are she will not take it well. But... . do not let this ruin your own happiness! That's something I kept reminding myself. I was over the moon and very happy to be engaged, and I simply shared that joy with the people in my life who did care.

[BlueCat]

Hey, congrats! I agree though that it's not always the standard now. Maybe it is still in high society but I don't know.

We got married 15 years ago and we paid for it ourselves. Just had the wedding at the church we were attending, and had a sandwich lunch type thing. Honestly, I wanted a potluck (!) but got talked out of that. But even then I knew I didn't want a big, overdone thing with lots of debt. I wanted it to be about family and friends (sigh - the family I now don't have much to do with).

So do it however you want If you've always dreamed of a big one, or your fiancé has, then wait awhile and save up the money, rather than go into debt for what is basically just a party.

The wedding is fun, but it's the marriage that's the important part Have fun on your big day, however you plan to do it!