Triggered when BPDm calls after 18 mo NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been a long time since i posted here. Having been NC with BPDm for so long, my life has been pretty drama-free. 

Today, she called out of the blue to ask in her super-waifiest voice, "Would you please tell me how DD7 is doing every once and a while?" (It went to voicemail but I couldn't resist listening.)

Cue FOG. Majorly.

I've got just enough recovery to recognize the trigger here. To see that BPDm is actually reaching out for reasons that have virtually nothing to do with her wanting to be a part of my daughter's life, but reflect events in her life that have triggered her own fears of abandonment.

But I really REALLY need to hear from you wise folks here. I'm feeling soo fragile right now. Angry/sad/guilty. And very alone. (DH and many friends just don't get it entirely.)

My family is incredibly troubled -- many PDs in the bloodline -- and sometimes (like today) I am overwhelmed by the fact that I have such a sick family.

Would love to hear stories of others - to feel connected to the community here.

Thank you.

[TenaciousMe]

It has been a long time since i posted here. Having been NC with BPDm for so long, my life has been pretty drama-free. 

Today, she called out of the blue to ask in her super-waifiest voice, "Would you please tell me how DD7 is doing every once and a while?" (It went to voicemail but I couldn't resist listening.)

Cue FOG. Majorly.

I've got just enough recovery to recognize the trigger here. To see that BPDm is actually reaching out for reasons that have virtually nothing to do with her wanting to be a part of my daughter's life, but reflect events in her life that have triggered her own fears of abandonment.

But I really REALLY need to hear from you wise folks here. I'm feeling soo fragile right now. Angry/sad/guilty. And very alone. (DH and many friends just don't get it entirely.)

My family is incredibly troubled -- many PDs in the bloodline -- and sometimes (like today) I am overwhelmed by the fact that I have such a sick family.

Would love to hear stories of others - to feel connected to the community here.

Thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi TenaciousMe,

I think I understand why you're feeling like this. Having been NC for so long must have been very liberating, you didn't have to deal with all that drama anymore. That can sometimes actually make it harder to deal with your mother when she calls because you aren't used to having to deal with her on a daily basis anymore. How did you cope with your mother's behavior before the NC period?

[Ember]

I know how you feel.   I have been thinking about making contact with my parents after about the same length of time as you.  Then she left a voice mail.  Then she sent an email regarding my cousin's death.

This has triggered a reoccurring nightmare where I go visit her and she attempts to strangle me.  I wake up unable to breathe and covered in sweat.  It is really, really tough.  This is just at the thought of seeing them again.

[TenaciousMe]

Thank you for responding so quickly. Amazing how soothing it is just hear from people who know how this feels.

It actually shocks me how much power I still give BPDm. I feel like I should be stronger than this. It was just a one-sentence voicemail, after all!

Over these last 18 mos, I've gone through a whole range of withdrawal symptoms -- lots and lots and lots of crying, mostly. Just grieving the realization that my whole concept of my mother has been a fantasy.

Honestly, in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm a recovering cult member, you know? Brainwashed.

Kwamina -- Coping before NC meant stuffing most of my feelings (rage/grief), dismissing my intuition, dismissing any indication of just how toxic my mother really was, denying/ignoring/gaslighting myself. I also just submersed myself in the golden child/caretaker role, which would inevitably leave me feeling completely drained and inauthentic and often - physically ill.

[Kwamina]

Kwamina -- Coping before NC meant stuffing most of my feelings (rage/grief), dismissing my intuition, dismissing any indication of just how toxic my mother really was, denying/ignoring/gaslighting myself. I also just submersed myself in the golden child/caretaker role, which would inevitably leave me feeling completely drained and inauthentic and often - physically ill.

This sounds very familiar, I also felt completely drained and am still suffering from health problems. I have problems with my neck and shoulders which are almost certainly related to the stress caused by my uBPD relatives. Have you tried things to help you calm yourself? Meditation is something that works for me.

So how are you feeling today? Has your mother called again?

Take care 

[TenaciousMe]

Ember -- I wanted to give you a   

I can totally relate to the lucid dreams about BPDm. You have probably felt as if she was strangling you in real-life, maybe more metaphorically than literally - but the emotional stranglehold pwBPD can have on us is just as traumatizing, I feel. And though it's easy to tell yourself - "It's just one voicemail." -- any contact (in my situation anyway) is hitting a button that activates the fight-flight, life-death system. Which is confusing. And terribly difficult to manage sometimes.

Thank you Kwamina for checking in ... .   I am feeling better, just more fragile than usual. I teared up watching a parent-child scene in Despicable Me! with my daughter this morning!   I'm 44 and still yearning for Mommy to tell me she loves me.

Meditation has saved me from going back onto anti-anxiety meds. For sure. I discovered it around the time I went NC, thank god. I suffer from chronic shoulder/neck problems too.

So far, there's been no more word from BPDm. Just her ghost floating around me.

I realized yesterday morning, when I woke up, that my triggers are more short-lived than they used to be. Though I still got that initial FOG, it has dissipated and in its place I feel more validated about my choice to go NC than I have in the entier 18 mos... . (Thanks in large part to hearing from you both!)  I don't feel compelled to call BPDm now. I don't feel guilty now. But I do feel sad.

How are you both coping in your own situations?

[Kwamina]

Hi again TenaciousMe!

I'm much better able to deal with my uPBD mother's and sister's behavior now. I'm totally NC with my brother, I'm not sure how to classify him but he was very unpleasant to be around (rage, silent treatment etc.). The thing I'm struggling with the most right now is accepting the past and all the things I've lost. I unfortunately lived with my mother for nearly 30 years, last 20 of them I lived alone with her. Meditation helps me with coming to a place of acceptance, but I'm not there yet. I am working on it though and hope to some day arrive there

[TenaciousMe]

Sorry for the late response to this Kwamina. I applaud your strength and powers of resilience and acceptance in being able to maintain any sense of calm and self-love while living with your mom. That demands enormous wells of courage.

I can definitely relate to the prolonged period of grief. I've been on that roller coaster myself for the last four years. It can be excruciating. What I've found is that it does get easier. Things that used to flatten me - memories, particularly - don't hurt as much as they used to the more I validate the loss and allow myself to cry when I feel pain. The loss is still there, but I'm learning to mother myself more now and that has been a profound gift of working in meditation, therapy and with these boards here.

In browsing these boards recently, I found reference to the SoundsTrue Self Acceptance Project - Google it and you'll find a series of free videos. I just listened to one of them and it has given me a new tool in dealing with all the feelings that come up when I'm triggered... . Maybe it will help you too on your journey?

[Kwamina]

Hi TenaciousMe,

Thanks for your kind words! I try to mother myself too now. Looking back at my childhood is strange though, I grew up without my father but I basically also grew up without a mother. A uBPD mom really isn't a mother at all, the song 'motherless child' comes to mind.

Thanks for the tip about the Self Acceptance Project. I already had a look at the website and this looks like a great resource indeed. Take care