Why do I CARE if her new relationship works?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm stuck on this thought.

I'm torn because I don't want her to work out with her new fiancee, as she was friends with her before we split.  But if she were to split up with her and then meet somebody else, I'd be kind of ok with that?

I don't want her back by the way.

And I do want her to be happy! 

I am trying to work out and untangle why I don't want this relationship to work for her... .  

1) because it feels like she wouldn't have left me if she hadn't met this girl as a shoulder to cry on... .   I feel that this girl took advantage of her confusion over OUR relationship at the time

2) Because if she can make it work with somebody else, then it shows it CAN be done, so will make me realise that it was more ME than I thought, who was the problem.  And I just wasn't good enough.

3) Because it seems unfair that somebody else will be getting all the amazing bits of my girl (and there were so many!)

4) This girl will be living out MY dream, and what I felt was special

5) It feels like it's unfair my ex is being rewarded for her behaviour, by jumping straight into a relationship with a girl who is fairly attractive, dotes on her, is madly in love with her and does loads of nice stuff for her.  I acted admirably throughout, according to everyone who knew us, whilst she sabotaged our relationship and wouldn't even work on it. It seems unfair that she gets rewarded whilst I am alone and miserable.

6) It feels like she has avoided so much of the pain I am going through, and the horrible bit of me wishes she could know just how bad this pain is - I know she suffers everyday with her BPD, but in terms of romance, she has somebody to love her and hasn't felt the loss of me.  Which makes me feel so sad and worthless, like I never really mattered.

Any challenges for any of these thoughts?

Thank you 

[mango_flower]

I'm stuck on this thought.

I'm torn because I don't want her to work out with her new fiancee, as she was friends with her before we split.  But if she were to split up with her and then meet somebody else, I'd be kind of ok with that?

I don't want her back by the way.

And I do want her to be happy! 

I am trying to work out and untangle why I don't want this relationship to work for her... .  

1) because it feels like she wouldn't have left me if she hadn't met this girl as a shoulder to cry on... .   I feel that this girl took advantage of her confusion over OUR relationship at the time

2) Because if she can make it work with somebody else, then it shows it CAN be done, so will make me realise that it was more ME than I thought, who was the problem.  And I just wasn't good enough.

3) Because it seems unfair that somebody else will be getting all the amazing bits of my girl (and there were so many!)

4) This girl will be living out MY dream, and what I felt was special

5) It feels like it's unfair my ex is being rewarded for her behaviour, by jumping straight into a relationship with a girl who is fairly attractive, dotes on her, is madly in love with her and does loads of nice stuff for her.  I acted admirably throughout, according to everyone who knew us, whilst she sabotaged our relationship and wouldn't even work on it. It seems unfair that she gets rewarded whilst I am alone and miserable.

6) It feels like she has avoided so much of the pain I am going through, and the horrible bit of me wishes she could know just how bad this pain is - I know she suffers everyday with her BPD, but in terms of romance, she has somebody to love her and hasn't felt the loss of me.  Which makes me feel so sad and worthless, like I never really mattered.

Any challenges for any of these thoughts?

Thank you 

[fakename]

Mango, I felt all of those things and they all bothered me.

What hurt the most was thinking I wasn't good enough

Which is probably true. But only because no one is good enough.

I got over it all in time. Mosty by knowing none of it was real, knowing I wasn't anything special to her and knowing she's never going to change no matter how great the next guy is.

In time you'll get over it too. Just don't be hard on yourself. And stop living in the fantasy world they live in. I think that has been my focus for the past few days as I'm going to continue to focus on that next week. Time to drop down to reality and make my time spent there worthwhile.

There's a lot of misery and pain and learning coming for their new victims/romances. We got a head start on them. Keep learning and keep treating yourself well.

[HarmKrakow]

1) because it feels like she wouldn't have left me if she hadn't met this girl as a shoulder to cry on... .   I feel that this girl took advantage of her confusion over OUR relationship at the time

2) Because if she can make it work with somebody else, then it shows it CAN be done, so will make me realise that it was more ME than I thought, who was the problem.  And I just wasn't good enough.

3) Because it seems unfair that somebody else will be getting all the amazing bits of my girl (and there were so many!)

4) This girl will be living out MY dream, and what I felt was special

5) It feels like it's unfair my ex is being rewarded for her behaviour, by jumping straight into a relationship with a girl who is fairly attractive, dotes on her, is madly in love with her and does loads of nice stuff for her.  I acted admirably throughout, according to everyone who knew us, whilst she sabotaged our relationship and wouldn't even work on it. It seems unfair that she gets rewarded whilst I am alone and miserable.

6) It feels like she has avoided so much of the pain I am going through, and the horrible bit of me wishes she could know just how bad this pain is - I know she suffers everyday with her BPD, but in terms of romance, she has somebody to love her and hasn't felt the loss of me.  Which makes me feel so sad and worthless, like I never really mattered.

1. Maybe this girl did, so what?

2. Does it? TRULY? I mean it... . does it really show it?

3. Why is it unfair? She has BPD, she is mentally ill.

4. She will be living your dream? No she won't. She hurt you immensely, you don't want her back. The relationship was horror the way you described it.

5. Rewarded? Why rewarded? To me it seems emotional immature, she is not grieving and not processing, just sticking her head in the sand

6. You probably didn't matter. You were used, acted as a tool for her void. Hurts? Immensely, my question to you ... .

Would it hurt more, if you knew she did this conciously?

[causticdork]

People with BPD are great at forming instant, deep, intense bonds with people.  Obviously we all know that, because all of our exes did that with us.  Of course she hopped right into a new relationship.  She (very much like my ex) needs someone to take care of her.  Maybe this new girl did take advantage, but most likely if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else.  I know it sucks to hear it, but based on what I've read of your story I'd say she was probably lining up a new partner before ending things with you (also super common BPD behavior) which means she already had one foot out the door. 

You want to know why you care?  It's because when you love someone completely you grieve their loss and need time before you move on to someone new.  Her moving on so quickly is a sign that she isn't grieving the loss, which means that she didn't love you the way you thought she did.  So if this relationship fails then maybe this girl was just a rebound and even though you don't want your ex back you can at least go on believing that she really did love you and your whole relationship wasn't a lie.

As far as I've noticed, I think BPDers really do love us when they say they do, but that dial can go from intense love to hate to apathy and back again in the span of a five minute argument you don't even know you're having. 

Oh, and my ex was in a relationship for three-and-a-half years that was far more "successful" than ours.  It worked because the girl she was dating was a complete doormat who let her get away with all her crazy moodswings and irrational demands.  Eventually that led to my ex hating this poor girl for being such a doormat, but if your ex and this new girl work out it might just be because this girl is willing to put up with more crap than you were.  It's not because you failed or because you were the problem.  You're better off without her.  I know you know this. All those amazing bits are part of a package deal that includes a whole lotta crazy outbursts, lies, and drama. 

[clairedair]

Hi Mango

thanks for posting - you are asking all the exact same questions I am asking myself and it really helps to know that it's not just me!  It's actually quite spooky that you've posted these questions when I am going through same thought process.

1) because it feels like she wouldn't have left me if she hadn't met this girl as a shoulder to cry on... .   I feel that this girl took advantage of her confusion over OUR relationship at the time



I know that I have been convinced by exH's words - why wouldn't someone else be?    My exH had a gf very quickly after our first split and is now engaged to someone he started dating just after our last split.  I don't know these women but from what I hear, they are nice people.  However, it has been interesting to me that I was more angry with the gf than my exH at the time they were an item.  It was easier to be angry at someone I didn't know that the person I loved.  I think it likely that he took advantage of their vulnerability rather than other way around.

2) Because if she can make it work with somebody else, then it shows it CAN be done, so will make me realise that it was more ME than I thought, who was the problem.  And I just wasn't good enough.

My exH seemed happier with the ex-gf but it didn't last.  Now he seems completely settled and loved up with his fiancee but very few people think it will last given his pattern over last few years.  How would you define 'making it work'?  I was with exH for 20+ years and I'm sure there are people who would not view our relationship as 'working' for all that time.  He could well stay married to new fiancee but I think if they are together for a few years, it's more likely because neither will want to admit they rushed into things (and she will be trying desperately to return to the bliss she's currently experiencing).

3) Because it seems unfair that somebody else will be getting all the amazing bits of my girl (and there were so many!)

Yep - I hate this thought!  There were some really good times and I am struggling with knowing that fiancee is currently experiencing these but I'm also certain that if not already, she will soon be having to deal with the flip side of the coin and won't know what hit her.

4) This girl will be living out MY dream, and what I felt was special



Another difficult one - my ex and fiancee are planning a trip to a place that he was planning to go with me less than 8 months ago.  A dream trip.  However, as my friend said - there's nothing stopping me going there with someone who won't give me the silent treatment whilst I'm stuck on the other side of the world!  Holidays were always a bit of a nightmare at some point.

5) It feels like it's unfair my ex is being rewarded for her behaviour, by jumping straight into a relationship with a girl who is fairly attractive, dotes on her, is madly in love with her and does loads of nice stuff for her.  I acted admirably throughout, according to everyone who knew us, whilst she sabotaged our relationship and wouldn't even work on it. It seems unfair that she gets rewarded whilst I am alone and miserable.

Spot on - I get so worked up with the injustice!  This is almost exactly my own situation.  Though I allowed this to happen more than once by reconciling again.  But I go back to my earlier point - we have the capacity to have healthy relationships if we want this.  Our exes may never have the real intimacy they want so badly.



6) It feels like she has avoided so much of the pain I am going through, and the horrible bit of me wishes she could know just how bad this pain is - I know she suffers everyday with her BPD, but in terms of romance, she has somebody to love her and hasn't felt the loss of me.  Which makes me feel so sad and worthless, like I never really mattered.



It is difficult at times not to feel something lacking in me (especially as my ex will say things like "I will always love you but life with you is not fulfilling enough for me) but I realise that this is more about (a) some childhood stuff in me and (b) ex's own, often expressed, feelings of worthlessness.

Mango - it's good that you are asking the questions.  It shows that you are trying to process this; work through stuff and properly grieve.  It's so tough but important.  I have started the process several times but then reconciled because I couldn't quite let go for various reasons.  Then I would be back to square one when he left again. 

You want to know why you care?  It's because when you love someone completely you grieve their loss and need time before you move on to someone new.  Her moving on so quickly is a sign that she isn't grieving the loss, which means that she didn't love you the way you thought she did.  So if this relationship fails then maybe this girl was just a rebound and even though you don't want your ex back you can at least go on believing that she really did love you and your whole relationship wasn't a lie.

causticdork makes a good point - whenever my exH broke up with the exgf, I felt vindicated - that the other relationship really was a distraction and I was the one he really wanted to be with.  Now I'm feeling that I was (at least latterly) every bit as much of a distraction.