Feeling good about myself

[maria1]

Hi all

I've been feeling quite 'up' this week and last. I seem to have chronic fatigue syndrome which was diagnosed a couple of months ago. I have been coming to terms with an acceptance of having the illness but this week actually felt physically OK and had some energy for 3 days in a row. I felt like I had my mojo back.

I also felt like I was on the verge of liking myself. Really enjoying my own company, having a great time with my kids, the few friends I have (well, differently defined friendships and less friends than I had). I started to think about returning to work and looking forward to the future me. I start a  therapy group next week which is a little nerve wracking but I'm looking forward to it.

I've been out and about with my head held high and have met a few attractive men's eyes and not shied away. Heck I've even smiled at them!

But today the crash has come. I feel ashamed of myself for even thinking I could be OK. I know deep down that I am and that I will keep on going and that this will pass. I find myself pining a little for BPDex and I unblocked him on the dating site I'm on. Message is there from a week ago 'You been checking me out '... .   '? (petname) Hope you're doing OK?'. (He must have seen that I viewed his profile to block him, doesn't matter really but I could do without the contact right now)

I can't help wondering if this is toxic shame. The thing is I really do like myself but I'm so easily knocked. It's almost like my natural stance is to like myself but my FOO might not have let me do that somehow although I don't remember much apart from being told my knees weren't good (!) and that I didn't know what I was talking about.

My BPDex really helped me like myself. He really valued the stuff in me that I valued about me, properly. I do think that's what love is. I don't want him back I just wish I could feel firm in my belief in myself without this self doubt.

[laelle]

Hey Maria,  I dont think anything is wrong with having good days and bad days.  I'm sorry your having one today.  :'(  We all have them.  Yesterday i was all happy and cheery, and this morning I woke up in a cleaning rampage angry.  I dont know what about, its just a feeling.  Feelings are like waves, they ebb and flow.  What is important one minute, will be unimportant the next.  

So you felt low and checked out his profile.  I check up on mine sometime on twitter to see if he is ok.  Just because we arent together doesnt mean we stop caring.

I do understand that it sets you back a few steps as I am sure you miss him.  You know as well as me that you were attached to yours for a certain reason.  You also know you got out of the relationship with him for a certain reason.   You needed Maria back.  The beginning parts of your post start with talking about all the things you have going on and changing and you felt like you had Maria back.  

Do you think there is a connection?   That the doubt you have in Maria's self triggers your "need" for your ex?  I do understand the depth of the need when it comes to being insecure in our own ability to deal with who we are.   Who are you Maria?

I see a kind, loving, supportive, funny, empathetic, intelligent woman.  You say he made you feel good about yourself?  With my experience, you are built up and then knocked back down.  Each time losing a part of yourself.  Maybe your experience was different?

I am easily knocked too.  The neighbors complained that my dog woke up her baby, and she was miserably rude and threatening. For a little while it shook me.  I saw her this morning and I sized her up to kick her ass.    Later on I realized that I could get revenge so much sweeter from a well timed gate slam.  

Anyway Maria, I think its just a bad moment.  Sometimes our feelings overwhelm us and we wonder if we will ever be ok again.  :)ont worry, you will.

100000 x  

[sad but wiser]

Hi Maria,

  Most of us in relationships with BPD partners have troubles re-establishing our sense of self and self-worth.  We have become emeshed in a terribly sick relationship and it isn't easy locating yourself again.  Give yourself time and don't worry.  Keep posting and reading and learning.  You are absolutely not alone!   

[Maryiscontrary]

Practice. Practice. Practice. There's the antidote.

[maria1]

Thanks Laelle

Yeah I think it's the easily knocked bit that's uppermost. I've posted in staying because I've actually been feeling for a little while that I may not have been fair to him in our last interaction. I can do NC whilst I think he doesn't want anything from me but sometimes I see that our relationship was actually two way and he did give me stuff that I can deny sometimes.

That doesn't mean I need him to feel good about myself but there is definitely a connection. I've been checking up on him less. Today I unblocked him because I thought I'd been mean to him. I can be pretty harsh with people, not that he hasn't been horrible in his actions but he is pretty messed up. I'm on here posting to others about what a serious illness this is and my ex is actually trying really hard and I just dismiss him.

Oh well, you're right it is just a bad day. Not helped by drinking some wine last night. Alcohol is definitely a depressant. Thank you Laelle- you are a star  

Thank you Sad but wiser. I think my whole thing is about locating myself for the first time in my life and BPD relationship was actually the start of that journey. Thank you for your kind words  

[maria1]

Mary- practice feeling good about myself? Does it get easier? I feel like a wicked witch is going to turn me into a frog if I get carried away with all this feeling good malarkey!

[laelle]

You deserve a happy and healthy relationship, but only you can gauge what that is.  I dont block for just the reason you said.  I dont want to stumble across an email months later.  It would devastate me.  I would rather leave all lines open and let him decide if he cares to connect.  Eventually I will move on and his connection will no longer matter, but for now it saves me the "not knowing"  It reaffirms closure every day he doesnt contact me.

[maria1]

But then the contact might just come at a time when you can't handle it?

I think I know what it is that the connection is. The little voice that says I'm crap when I'm feeling good. My ex would always tell me nice stuff. I never got any crap stuff from him. If he devalued me he didn't tell me about it. He just told me nice things, even when he was annoyed with me it was real stuff, so I'd still feel good about myself overall. So the little voice that tells me I'm rubbish inside my head always had somebody else fighting it when I was with him. He was always on my side to fight my demons and I fought his. Now I really am missing him.

Still don't want him back. Need to blow my own demons away. God I hate this.

[maria1]

Going to get my arse into gaer and read a bit more of my inner child book. That's the one who's listening to the negative stuff. Got a book about the negative voices too.

If I can change my inner dialogue and not feel like I need him maybe I can maintain contact without worrying I'm using him to meet any of my needs. But then isn't all interaction about meeting needs, unless we are in a therapeutic relationship, ie. T or DR/ Nurse?

[laelle]

Why is it that you felt you needed to leave the relationship?  You had to have had a reason that was serious enough to come to this website, seek guidance, and decide the relationship was something you couldnt handle.  

Its normal to miss people we love you know?  Its not some sign from heaven saying you should be together.  Its just part of grieving.  Tell yourself that you will give yourself some time.  And as that time passes, if you still think the relationship is something you think you might have been hasty with, post here and I will set you straight.    I'm only joking.  If you think that you deserve this man in your life (all the good and bad) then think about making contact.

If he is BPD then you know the hard road ahead.  Its really hard to have an intimate relationship with someone who struggles to understand what it is even.

I miss my ex to my core.  I cry every nite because of it, but I know in 3 months, 6 months... .   It will all end at nothing again.

As much as I love him, I am not strong enough to lose him and his love over and over.  I will live without and hopefully maybe one day I will find a man who wont ever take it away.  

[laelle]

Try doing what I do based on those self help videos posted recently.

Pat your heart, tell yourself you understand your suffering and its ok.  Tell your critical self that you understand it is only trying to protect you, but that you are hurting right now and that you need love and care to heal.  Imagine your critical self saying... .   ok, but im here if you need a good ass kicking  

Love yourself.  Rub your shoulders and comfort yourself.  Allow all those feelings to come through you, and tell yourself you understand (like a mother would her children)

Everything will be ok.  Nothing has to move.  It can all stand still at this moment.  If you need your loving self, its there for you always and wont let anything happen to you.  It has faith in you, It loves you.  The adult Maria will protect the child Maria always.

We love you and want the best for you too.

[maria1]

I don't want a relationship with him. A relationship with him is no relationship because as soon as it is it's gone. I miss him propping me up and I miss having fun with him. I miss his company but that's not the same as wanting the relationship back I think. He can be a good friend at times. He knows me. I miss that.

He isn't going to stop lying and I don't want the lack of trust. I do wonder still if I can maintain some sort of contact with him because he isn't all bad. He tries hard not to hurt people because he knows that he does.

Compared with many of the people in my life he is actually one of the good guys. I know that may sound hard to believe but if I ever really needed anything he would be there.

But I don't crave the romantic relationship back. It was crazy and most of the time it was in my head while he was off playing with his girl friends. He'd say I'm exaggerating the extent of his girlfriends and that they were only ever friends and he may e right but it doesn't matter really.

No I'm not craving the romantic relationship, just wondering how he is and would like to be able to check in with him. Would like to be able to have him say 'Hey Maria I know how you get and I know you'll be OK, let's go out and do something nice and you'll be fine tomorrow.'

[maria1]

Thanks Laelle

Just having a cry. It's OK to miss him. He really wants to be a good friend. I really wish we could just do that with all the s**t!

Thank you x

[laelle]

Yep, it is good to cry.  

I remember you when I first came to this website.  You were scared, nervous, freaked out, confused and consumed by whether you wanted a friendship with your ex.

You had the same shell shock that we all have when coming off the chopping block.  Fast forward to today.  I see a woman who is constantly challenging herself and her old ways of seeing things.  You have flourished. You are working on becoming a whole person secure in who she is.

You dont need the company, you need a partner when the time is right.  I know this need VERY VERY well.

Cry your heart out.  You've come a long way.  

[maria1]

Thank you. Those are good words to hear.

Yes I don't think I need his company. I still have thoughts that I've let him down a little. I have been a little unfair on him and a little selfish and I'd like to see him every now and again.

That's all OK in the real world but we all know that's less than straight forward in BPD world. I can usually manage to see him without falling off the rails of my journey into Maria1 land.

But there isn't any need really. He is doing OK without me. And I'm doing OK without him.

[laelle]

Its not selfishness Maria, its protecting yourself and your values.  Thats a good thing.

I would love to be friends with my ex too.  I know within a short period of time  I would be sucked into the drama again only to have it all turned around on me

calling me selfish, abusive, a loser and a child.  That's my reward for my good efforts.  000000000

I haven't got time for the pain.

Just thinking of Phoenix and his little bird that couldnt fly, having to let go and trusting nature will take care of it.

[laelle]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I

[patientandclear]

As much as I love him, I am not strong enough to lose him and his love over and over.

Laelle ... .   just wanted to thank you for this.  This is the best statement of the problem we all face I've seen.

Maria -- mulling over your post here & the one in Staying.  I'll post on one of them about the question you are asking about what to do with BPDex.  Lots of thoughts as you might imagine.   

[laelle]

Patient   

Its so good to see you.  Its been a while.  How are you?

[maria1]

Hi P&C

Been thinking of you today. Thanks for your thought on this. I don't want him too close but I don't think I've been fair to cut him off the way I did. I just posted again on staying.

[Whatwasthat]

Maria  - you must - of course - do exactly what you want to do.

But I would just suggest that it's very natural to feel particularly vulnerable right now.

I've been feeling quite 'up' this week and last... .   started to think about returning to work and looking forward to the future me... .  

But today the crash has come. I feel ashamed of myself for even thinking I could be OK. I know deep down that I am and that I will keep on going and that this will pass. I find myself pining a little for BPDex ... .  

My BPDex really helped me like myself. He really valued the stuff in me that I valued about me, properly. I do think that's what love is. I don't want him back I just wish I could feel firm in my belief in myself without this self doubt.

In my experience long(ish) term chronic illness improves gradually and subtly over time as you do all the things that can help you. But it's not a smooth upwards curve so it's natural to feel good for a while - and then feel down again. It doesn't mean you're not heading in a good direction - it might mean you need to go easy on yourself and be even more alert to your emotional and physical needs. But I do think there's something particularly debilitating about feeling that you might be going backwards after a period of progress. So I would just be slightly wary of any strong emotions and urges that come up at such times.

But my goodness it is hard isn't it? Because clearly getting in touch with ones needs is key to every kind of health - emotional and physical - and yet sometimes I personally find it hard to know what my 'true' needs are. It doesn't always work - but if in doubt I try and do some simple meditation and then see how I feel about actions I'm considersing while meditating. On occasion it can give me a good sense about what's a good idea and what isn't. It's worth giving it a try.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[maria1]

Whatwasthat

Thank you so very much 

You are very wise. I really should get on a meditation class. I am not very good at seeing things through but you have just inspired me. Everything you say is just how it is. I am feeling better today. I did contact my BPDex and that has brought up some emotions but I'm trying to stand back from them.

[clairedair]

As much as I love him, I am not strong enough to lose him and his love over and over.  

laelle - I too found this quote really helpful.  I thought I was strong enough and recycled many times.  All that happened was that I ended up even more drained (emotionally, physically, financially) whilst he moved on with rapid speed and appeared well and happy (until the inevitable occured).

maria - I suffered from a CFS-type illness for many years and still do not have the stamina I used to.  I am fortunate to be well enough to work but it means that when I am at home in evenings or weekends, I don't have much energy to exercise, socialise etc and so start thinking about ex or over-analysing my own behaviour.  Just exhausts me more and that makes me more vulnerable - a vicious circle.  That makes it difficult to 'see things through' as you put it.  What I'm trying to do now is make sure I do one healthy thing for me each day - can be as simple as choosing an apple over chocolate or going for a short walk instead of taking car. 

The ups and downs are difficult - I'm at the stage that when I'm feeling good (the signs are singing along to radio at top of my voice in the car; feeling really 'free' and looking forward to things I can do without restriction), I know that I will 'crash'.  However, knowing that this is what happens means that I am a little more forgiving of myself when I can't sustain the good, strong feelings.  I believe that, over time, the good feelings will last longer and the dips start to disappear.  I also believe that's only likely to happen if I detach from ex more and more. 

[AnotherPhoenix]

Try doing what I do based on those self help videos posted recently.

Pat your heart, tell yourself you understand your suffering and its ok.  Tell your critical self that you understand it is only trying to protect you, but that you are hurting right now and that you need love and care to heal.  Imagine your critical self saying... .   ok, but im here if you need a good ass kicking  

Love yourself.  Rub your shoulders and comfort yourself.  Allow all those feelings to come through you, and tell yourself you understand (like a mother would her children)

Everything will be ok.  Nothing has to move.  It can all stand still at this moment.  If you need your loving self, its there for you always and wont let anything happen to you.  It has faith in you, It loves you.  The adult Maria will protect the child Maria always.

We love you and want the best for you too.

 Hello, I know this post is old, but I ran across this method for self-soothing and giving yourself self-compassion about 1 year ago. This method is very powerful for me. The words that I use are similar. The rubbing yourself part is a very important part of it for me.

AnotherPheonix   

[laelle]

As much as I love him, I am not strong enough to lose him and his love over and over.  

laelle - I too found this quote really helpful.  I thought I was strong enough and recycled many times.  All that happened was that I ended up even more drained (emotionally, physically, financially) whilst he moved on with rapid speed and appeared well and happy (until the inevitable occured).

maria - I suffered from a CFS-type illness for many years and still do not have the stamina I used to.  I am fortunate to be well enough to work but it means that when I am at home in evenings or weekends, I don't have much energy to exercise, socialise etc and so start thinking about ex or over-analysing my own behaviour.  Just exhausts me more and that makes me more vulnerable - a vicious circle.  That makes it difficult to 'see things through' as you put it.  What I'm trying to do now is make sure I do one healthy thing for me each day - can be as simple as choosing an apple over chocolate or going for a short walk instead of taking car. 

The ups and downs are difficult - I'm at the stage that when I'm feeling good (the signs are singing along to radio at top of my voice in the car; feeling really 'free' and looking forward to things I can do without restriction), I know that I will 'crash'.  However, knowing that this is what happens means that I am a little more forgiving of myself when I can't sustain the good, strong feelings.  I believe that, over time, the good feelings will last longer and the dips start to disappear.  I also believe that's only likely to happen if I detach from ex more and more. 

Hey Claire,  With my ex the relationship was to be defined by him and if I didnt like it, its his way or the highway.  I am fine taking the highway. 

[laelle]

Try doing what I do based on those self help videos posted recently.

Pat your heart, tell yourself you understand your suffering and its ok.  Tell your critical self that you understand it is only trying to protect you, but that you are hurting right now and that you need love and care to heal.  Imagine your critical self saying... .   ok, but im here if you need a good ass kicking  

Love yourself.  Rub your shoulders and comfort yourself.  Allow all those feelings to come through you, and tell yourself you understand (like a mother would her children)

Everything will be ok.  Nothing has to move.  It can all stand still at this moment.  If you need your loving self, its there for you always and wont let anything happen to you.  It has faith in you, It loves you.  The adult Maria will protect the child Maria always.

We love you and want the best for you too.

 Hello, I know this post is old, but I ran across this method for self-soothing and giving yourself self-compassion about 1 year ago. This method is very powerful for me. The words that I use are similar. The rubbing yourself part is a very important part of it for me.

AnotherPheonix   

AnotherPhoenix - I know what you mean.  I dont think i could have made it through those first days of the break up without being able to soothe myself and have my own back.

I use it now to calm my nerves, and to help my impulse control.  "Nothing has to be done now", "its ok".  "The world will continue on, and its ok wait to make decisions until you feel you are stronger... . "  "You will make the best decisions for yourself this way."  "Ive got your back, and I love you."

[laelle]

Maria, your perfect the way you are. 

[maria1]

Clair- thank you 

The ruminations on my BPDex stopped a long time ago. My cfs has been around for a long time I think but I'm having a particularly bad time these last few months. I have days in bed but BPDex hasnt been on my mind. its been overall positive. Im looking after myself and learning to meet my own needs.

The feeling good is held back by my FOO stuff at times and that bad day brought me to a realisation that BPDex counteracted the negative voices from my FOO. It was more a balanced look at what our relationship was and a grieving for that.

Laelle- right back at ya 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hey Maria,

Sending  your way.  You are a survivor.  Have a good day.

[clairedair]

The feeling good is held back by my FOO stuff at times and that bad day brought me to a realisation that BPDex counteracted the negative voices from my FOO. It was more a balanced look at what our relationship was and a grieving for that.

I didn't have a difficult childhood - mostly the opposite - but there are strong FOO messages that pulled me down and in recent years, my exH has been really good at, as you put it, counteracting these messages.  I think he tried to before but they were so ingrained, I couldn't see what he was getting at.  So, yes, I grieve having my 'partner' who supported and encouraged me to be myself.  So confusing that he was also the person 'squishing' me more than anyone else at times.  Really hard to reconcile the two.

I have been feeling good about myself today because I handed in my resignation and am soon going to be leaving a job that has been mostly soul-destroying to go to one that I really hope will help me rebuild my confidence in the workplace.

What kind of day are you having today Maria?