Feeling good about myself

[maria1]

My BPDex ended our relationship just as he started to abuse me. It was as if he knew he had to save me from it so I never got any real nasty stuff. I'm sure it would have got there though.

Today I started group therapy. 5 other women. They are a group already. It works pretty much like bpdfamily PI, only in real life.

It was amazing. Within minutes I was crying just triggered by women talking about their mothers and their daughters. People talked about how to detach from difficult people, how to help violent family members. Wow. I have committed to up to two years in this group. I feel very lucky.

I left the group feeling good and within a few minutes had feelings of self doubt around some  of the support I had offered. Managed to see that for what it was and feel good again. It was a warm day and I had a winter coat on. I went and bought myself a nice summer jacket. Got home so tired. My cfs is really bad last couple of days after feeling energetic and doing too much.

Tonight has been hard. My kids come back from their dads tired and needy and changeover day is full on. But all in all things are good in my life. Things are getting better even though it hurts to grow and grieve.

[clairedair]

Things are getting better even though it hurts to grow and grieve.

thanks for this - I need to hold on to believing that with the grieving can come the growth. 

Sounds like the group was overall a positive experience but draining.  Hope you get a chance for some rest and the cfs improves. 

What's the new summer jacket like?  I just bought a turquoise one for a recent interview and I feel good every time I put in on.  Have never been one for colour therapy and am not actually interested in clothes (have no idea what most women's fascination with shoes is!) but I love this jacket 

[maria1]

It's dark green combat type thing- casual. Top Shop. I love clothes and love feeling good in them. I have been feeling so tired this last couple of months I've not been bothering but it makes me feel better in myself when I look good. Shallow and meaningless but it works for me 

The group was great. Grieving can only ever be a good thing. I've grieved the BPDex. It's my mother and my brother and my childhood I need to grieve for.

Maybe your grief goes back further too?

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm excited for you starting group therapy.  That sounds very positive.  I'll be interested to know how it goes.  I've been to my new therapist twice and I see her again tomorrow.  She seems very knowledgeable on BPD, but we will take the focus off that eventually and start looking closer at what I need to change.  I can see a lot of my relationship troubles stem from my codependency. 

I find myself noticing more closely when I'm experiencing these uncomfortable feelings and I try to look inside myself or to healthy outlets instead of to the person I'm feeling codependent with.  It helps me to ask myself what I am feeling and then look for healthy ways to address it, or to just allow myself to feel whatever it is without reacting in a harmful way or trying to cover it up.  It is an uncomfortable process, for sure, but I see progress.

I understand what you are saying about purchasing and wearing a new jacket.  I bought a new jacket recently that I love, and I feel good when I'm wearing it.  I think that is a good thing, and another way to feel good about yourself!   

[maria1]

Hey Phoenix  

I'm excited for you with your new therapist. Does that mean we are codependent?  

The group therapy was very powerful. I wasn't expecting it to be so emotional. I sort of decided to not to say anything because its an existing group. I didn't want to be pushy- wanted to respect that they have been wiring together already. But one woman was talking about how difficult her life is supporting her adult children. I was do admiring of her strength in enforcing boundaries and desperately trying to do the right thing in it all. I had to say that so I did. I said a couple of other supportive things to other members too.

I'm looking forward to turning some of the focus on me but I have no idea if i will really be able to go there. I look forward to hearing how you do that too.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I said a couple of other supportive things to other members too.

I see your active participation as a very good thing.  I believe you probably have much more to offer than you realize.

I'm looking forward to turning some of the focus on me but I have no idea if i will really be able to go there.

You have already been 'going there' on the site for some time now.  I believe in you.  Have a great day.   

[maria1]

Thank you Phoenix.   When I focus on my problems I feel wrong somehow, uncomfortable, I know that's to do with codependency. I'm trying to get more used to that and force myself to. This site is invaluable for that because we can do it anonymously but still in a real way.

I do it but hate myself after wards. It's shame I suppose. That's why group therapy is so good for me I think. I can't look to one person (the T) for the answers. The group mirrors my place and my interactions in the real world. That's the idea anyway.

You have a good evening too. I'm sitting down in the gap between dinner and bedtime whilst my kids are occupied. I never sit down when I have them on a school night! 

[Phoenix.Rising]

When I focus on my problems I feel wrong somehow, uncomfortable, I know that's to do with codependency.

I can relate.  I've realized that part of me wants to feel guilty when I express my needs, but I'm seeing it does not make sense to feel guilty, and when I do express my needs I feel empowered afterwards.  It is challenging, but doable.  We are definitely learning and growing.  Thank you for being a part of my recovery.   

[maria1]

Thank you Phoenix Rising. You are a very special person 

[maria1]

Something came to me today. I remembered being on the phone to my father in my early twenties. I was complaining about something, feeling very low. I don't remember what about but I did have a difficult time when I was completing my nurse training as I worked at the same time.

I can remember unloading on him, not something I usually did. I can also remember wanting him to make me feel better. His response was to say 'I think you should count your blessings.'

And that's what I did. But I can remember feeling like I'd been punched in the guts. That I'd opened up to him and that's what I'd got back. I suppose what it tells me is that my father couldn't really deal with me having a hard time with anything. I never had a hard time with anything either! My father would be constantly ringing me to unload all his stuff about my crazy brother's latest escapades or his own latest wonderful theatrical performance but I don't know what my purpose was for him other than to serve a purpose of listening and serving a purpose.

But he was always very sweet and caring. He would do things to help me but only when it suited him I think.

I don't write this to blame my father for my issues but it helps me to see I don't know how to get my needs met. I'm uncomfortable with it because it just never really happened. I really appreciated BPDex for making me have them met. He knew how to do that. He taught me I could have a two way relationship. Yes I know that sounds bizarre talking about  person with BPD traits but I think he may have had therapy in the past and I think he tried desperately to watch himself. I also believed he did try to meet other people's needs. I think, in part it's why I find it difficult to cut him out. He taught me something about myself that I may never have learned otherwise. He was the beginning of me liking myself.

Doesn't mean I'm considering a relationship with him folks, it just means I have some gratitude with him and I appreciate parts of him. I don't have that with other exes.

[laelle]

I know what you mean by being disappointed while opening up to a parent.  I was engaged, had a good job, my own apartment... . etc etc.  I called my mom and told her I was pregnant, and she told me that I was stupid.  When I complained about morning sickness, she told me I should not have gotten pregnant.  My sister, when pregnant, fireworks shot off, and im sure we had a party at hearing the news. When she had morning sickness, my mom went to her house to watch my niece so she could sleep.  Why was I such a failure and not worthy?

I guess your ex maybe represented how you felt your dad should have treated you?  A dad that was caring, open and honest.  Gave you the strength and support to make your own decisions without having dad Poo FOO in your head?  or maybe he validated you because Dad didnt value you, and he did.  So, you felt that you were worth something and dad was wrong.  I dont blame you at all for appreciating having had your BPDex come into your life.  I feel the same.  Being shown your own issues is tough and hard to take, but I know for me I always wanted to feel "normal", and now is my chance.

I would love to be able to join a therapy group.  Not having anyone who understands me is hard sometimes.

 

[maria1]

Why would your mum do that to you and be so nice to your sister? How can parents be so downright abusive and cruel. It isn't fair Laelle.

It's funny but you typing that you miss having someone who gets you makes me realise I miss it so much less now than I did. He doesn't seem to get me quite so much as he did. He isn't so inside my head and my life. Maybe that is because it wasn't as real as it seemed.

What you say about him being the father I wanted him to be- yeah. Also the mother I missed who was around sometimes as I grew up but was off at work or off in her head.

Getting myself is working for me. Didn't imagine it would but it really is. I only realise that in not longing for what he gave me. That's not what I want any more.

Wow. 

Maybe you could find a therapy group? You know I don't even know about it til I went in the waiting list for the service.

[laelle]

Because she didnt approve of my job, my husband or my apartment.  My sister always did things the right way, while I was the black sheep.  How could I be anything else, there was no room for anyone in my moms eyes but my sister.

[laelle]

My ex accepted and valued me until he didnt anymore.

[maria1]

As mothers we know we just couldn't do that to our children. We know how it feels. It's horrible you had to be treated like that by your mother.

It suited my ex to value me. It still does. He still seems to miss the fact that we 'get each other'. I feel sad that he misses that. I line to think he is managing better on his own as I am. I have a sneaky suspicion he is playing a long game with me. I hope not because I'm not playing along.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm sorry for the invalidation you received, Maria and Laelle.  I felt a lot of the same feelings growing up, like I didn't have my voice, or my problems shouldn't be discussed with my parents.  I've been feeling a little closer to my dad, however, the past couple of years since I moved back to my home state and we both quit drinking and are in recovery.  It feels more like he is becoming my friend, but it is sad, too, because he is now 70.  I am 44.

Sometimes I've felt like my dad didn't want to hear my problems because he felt guilty or responsible for my problems, like it was all his fault.  Granted, some of his decisions did have a negative impact on our family, like his having an affair while married to mom, and our family splitting up.  I know my mom had a part to play as well.  I'm almost certain now my mom has BPD.  Two therapists have pretty much confirmed this, and I've been seeing it much more clearly.  This is a huge revelation for me, needless to say.  I am very attracted to BPD women.

This brings up another point for me.  With my mom probably being BPD, she has no boundaries, or very little anyway.  I never quite know where I stood with her.  I was often confused on where I stood or what it meant to state my needs.  She taught me how not to state your needs, and also that her needs were the most important.  I'm still trying to sort some of this out in my head, as my therapist was talking to me about it yesterday.  She recommended reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud.  I'm not sure I'm making sense, but that's ok. 

Maria, I think you're doing a great job coming to these realizations, and I think it's great you are realizing you don't have to get your needs met from your parents.  You are good enough the way you are, and you can give a lot of that love to yourself.  Also, healthy people will listen to you and respond and meet your needs.  Take care.

[laelle]

Hey Phoenix, I think its great that you and your dad are mending some fences.  I know both of you probably wish it had happened earlier, but there is no better time than today.

I'm sure that your dad carries alot of guilt for your home life growing up.  From how you explain it, your parents had a loaded relationship, and never really had any emotional support left for you.

I'm really sorry you had to hurt that way.  I know how it feels to be invisible, or worse to have your voice ignored or invalidated.  

Your making complete sense about your ex teaching you not to need things.

My ex did the same with my needs.  I heard comments like "How could you worry me with _____, when I have to worry about _____?"   OFTEN.

"We will sort out your problems later, now what will we do about my problems?"  over and over.

I may look into that book as well.  I will have a long ride going home and will need some good read.     to everyone.