Neediness and abandonment fears with therapist

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Six months out from one year of dysfunctional "fear  and loving" with a BPD. I have been seeing a T from a woman's shelter that works with people in, getting out or recovering from abusive relationships. She has been a great help especially in the first few months.

On Thursday she said she feels I have done well and that I don't need her help any more. I "joked" that I felt abandoned. It's more than a joke ... .   I do! I have felt this before with a T that worked with me for 2.5 years. And it was HUGE in the r/s - she would run away every week or two and then finally forever.

I come by this honestly

1. my dad was a traveling salesman and would leave every monday

2. my mom occasionally would threaten to leave (I was an only child) as punishment or to get me to do something I was resisting.

3. I have had other significant abandonment as a teen and adult.

I'm sick of these feelings. Why can't I just grow up. Right now I'm feeling like damaged goods - never capable of being in an adult relationship.

Anyone else out there feel like this? Is there a solution other than moving into a cave?

[nolisan]

Six months out from one year of dysfunctional "fear  and loving" with a BPD. I have been seeing a T from a woman's shelter that works with people in, getting out or recovering from abusive relationships. She has been a great help especially in the first few months.

On Thursday she said she feels I have done well and that I don't need her help any more. I "joked" that I felt abandoned. It's more than a joke ... .   I do! I have felt this before with a T that worked with me for 2.5 years. And it was HUGE in the r/s - she would run away every week or two and then finally forever.

I come by this honestly

1. my dad was a traveling salesman and would leave every monday

2. my mom occasionally would threaten to leave (I was an only child) as punishment or to get me to do something I was resisting.

3. I have had other significant abandonment as a teen and adult.

I'm sick of these feelings. Why can't I just grow up. Right now I'm feeling like damaged goods - never capable of being in an adult relationship.

Anyone else out there feel like this? Is there a solution other than moving into a cave?

[Diligence]

Dear nolisan,

Asking us whether we think moving into a cave is a viable solution to our pain gave me a smile.  (I am an isolationist.)

Feeling like damaged goods resonates with me!  If you find a magic wand for quick and easy recovery before I do, let me know!

When I began with my counselor, I wanted to resolve all my issues in a single summer.  Toward the end of that summer, she gently informed me that she was willing to continue meeting with me on a long-term basis.  At the time I thought that must be something she offers to all her clients.  And maybe it is.  But, I grew up with an uBPDm, an alcoholic father, and was married to an uxNPDh for seventeen years.

I am heading toward my forth summer in therapy.  I am miles from where I began but know that I continue benefiting from regular counseling.

I appreciate my patient, compassionate counselor.  I wonder if there might be a better fit for you with a different therapist.

Thank you for sharing your feelings.  I hope the support you receive here will lessen your current feelings of abandonment.

Warm regards!

[heartandwhole]

Nolisan,

I think I would have felt the same way if my T had said that to me.  In fact, the other day when I was trying to get an appt. with mine, she didn't have the time I usually meet with her, and I felt myself responding with anger (inside) like, "Why doesn't she have time for me anymore?"  This definitely comes from my FOO: absent father, working mother, etc., and I suppose it's really normal to transfer all that to the T.

I think this remark by your therapist that triggered the feeling of abandonment is a good opportunity to go there with her, as it sounds like she has been helpful and you trust her.

I totally relate about feeling like damaged goods and not being capable of having healthy relationships!  I guess I just don't believe it anymore.  So many other things haven't been true either  

You are definitely not alone, nolisan.     Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[myself]

Nolisan, to be honest, right now we are 'damaged goods'. That's why we're working on ourselves to better ourselves and get back up to running speed. It is what it is, and there's positive change involved. You're definitely growing right now, these are growing pains you're going through. Growing up and even out of the nest so to speak. Your T may be encouraging you to 'fly' now, which is good news in some ways as it shows you are in the process of growing and doing well. If you don't feel quite ready to leave just yet, talk with your T about it, see where those feelings are coming from and what can be done to help you feel better about moving on. It could help with the transition and whatever is brought to light while doing so. Seeing it as part of your patterns is a good thing. Working on changing the patterns is, too. I've been there. A T said there wasn't much else to get to, he couldn't really help me anymore, so I found someone else and it's worked out even better, gone deeper, shown more progress. At some point I'm really going to fly my less damaged self free, as will you. Best wishes.

[nolisan]

Thanks. It's always good to know I am not "terminally unique".