He's trying... I'm struggling

[byasliver]

Thanks, jedicloak. I'm feeling much better after meeting with my therapist this morning. He really helps me remember that my uBPDh is mentally "disabled" and needs my patience right now. My children have had some challenging behaviors at times and I was able to be patient with them. Just need to remember those lessons and apply them to my current situation. Not easy but doable.

Get some rest and take care of you, too

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[jedicloak]

Hi all,

Just a brief update to say that today has been good for me. I told the BPDw that I am not ready for her to be here and that if she comes back now, I will separate from her. I felt good about doing it this way because it gives her a choice of how to respond. I'm sending her money to get a car while back East and money for living... .   after several weeks she's responsible to get some sort of income. She is not happy about it, but seems willing to accept my no (if only because I told her the consequences of doing otherwise). I'm sure there will be blowback about this, but I finally reached a point and series of decisions I can live with.

Today has also been good for me because I caught myself thinking of books she could read to better manage her moods and even looked into a counseling center near where she lives - and then I saw my OLD, destructive habits right in front of my eyes! I admitted it to her and myself. I told her I was wrong and that at least I caught myself. It's NOT my job to "help fix her." STOP IT. So, I stopped it, right in that moment. And I'm confessing it to you all here too. My job is to love her. So I sent her a cute picture instead.

Thank you all.

[Grey Kitty]

Awesome news, jedicloak!

You stood up for something important to you... .   and did it without telling your BPDw what she "had to do"

And you were able to just support her without trying to fix her!

Doesn't it feel good when you learn new tools... .   and use them... .   and see them work!

[jedicloak]

Yeah, well it's not all sunshine and rainbows because I stood up for myself. The wife is REALLY having a hard time with this and strangely, is able to express that with great clarity. It breaks my heart to be contributing to her hurt. Ugh. Even when I do "the right thing" it still hurts. Just differently.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sorry, jedicloak,  the rainbows and unicorns I ordered for you didn't show up!    Or did you want a light sabre instead?

Her hurt is real... .  and right now, she just doesn't have much capacity to see beyond it and recognize how her actions hurt you and you need to protect yourself.

I'm afraid that what you are seeing today is the difference between doing the "right" thing and doing the "easy" thing. Still, the more you take care of yourself and the healthier you become, the better equipped you will be to cope with her in a way that isn't harmful to yourself or her. Keep working on it!

[briefcase]

We've reachedo ur page limit on this topic and its time to lock it up.  If you need to continue the discussion, feel free to start a new topic.