Hey, I did it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm so proud of myself for standing up and saying no to my H.  He wants to come home, but he is not ready.  Today I took him grocery shopping and he brought it up again.  I was waiting to tell him some things until we could talk with his counselor, but it just came up today and I decided to deal with it.

He says that the ball is in my court and that until he meets my standards he can't come home.  I told him they were not just my standards, but yes, and it was up to him as to when he comes home.  I told him he was not a safe person and I would not have him home until he was a safe person.  When he asked for what and when I told him.  He was astounded- he actually did not remember most of the things I told him.  Then he said I abused him too so I asked him what I did to make him feel abused.  He had no answer.   

But the thing I am most proud of myself for is that I was able to talk to him calmly and show him respect, but tell the truth.  I did not avoid it or cave.  I think I deserve ice cream tonight!   

[Mara2]

I'm so proud of myself for standing up and saying no to my H.  He wants to come home, but he is not ready.  Today I took him grocery shopping and he brought it up again.  I was waiting to tell him some things until we could talk with his counselor, but it just came up today and I decided to deal with it.

He says that the ball is in my court and that until he meets my standards he can't come home.  I told him they were not just my standards, but yes, and it was up to him as to when he comes home.  I told him he was not a safe person and I would not have him home until he was a safe person.  When he asked for what and when I told him.  He was astounded- he actually did not remember most of the things I told him.  Then he said I abused him too so I asked him what I did to make him feel abused.  He had no answer.   

But the thing I am most proud of myself for is that I was able to talk to him calmly and show him respect, but tell the truth.  I did not avoid it or cave.  I think I deserve ice cream tonight!   

[Maryiscontrary]

Good job! There may possibly be hope here. I did the exact strategy with my ex, and he just went even more psychotic and aggressive.

So this means his is LISTENING!  GOOD!

[Blazing Star]

This is great! The staying calm, respectful and talking your truth. Wow. I bet that felt good.

I am so happy that you were able to do this, you sound strong. Can you tell us what helped you reach this place of inner strength?

Love Blazing Star

[Diligence]

Congratulations Mara2!

Revel in your growth!

Warm regards!

[Mara2]

Thank you for your encouragement.  Blazing star, this board is what really helped me.  First of all, knowing I am not alone.  Then looking at myself and understanding why I do what I do. 

I kept feeling anxious every time he called and I felt like he was going to end up here at home no matter what I did.  Then his counselor told me that I have a lot of power over whether or not he comes home.  That helped me to stay strong and say no.  But the real thing that kept me calm was to remember what Grey Kitty taught me when I asked questions about boundries. 

I sat down one morning and asked myself, what exactly am I worried about.  Answer- I'm afraid if I say no he will either spiral into depression again or go the other way and rage.  So I told myself that if he does a mental nose dive that is his choice and I really have no control over that (I scored high on thinking my actions influence others) and if he rages I have the car keys and I can leave. 

Yes, it felt good and I am so happy I found this place to vent, then learn and grow. 

[Blazing Star]

I sat down one morning and asked myself, what exactly am I worried about.  Answer- I'm afraid if I say no he will either spiral into depression again or go the other way and rage.  So I told myself that if he does a mental nose dive that is his choice and I really have no control over that (I scored high on thinking my actions influence others) and if he rages I have the car keys and I can leave. 

Yes, it felt good and I am so happy I found this place to vent, then learn and grow. 

Wow what an empowering realisation! Empowering and liberating, I love it.

Yay you!

Thanks so much for sharing this, it is always interesting and inspiring to see what has helped others.

Love Blazing Star

[laelle]

Way to go girl.      Your amazing!

[Mara2]

Thanks Blazing Star and Laelle.  I just hope I can keep it up, 'cause I know there will be a next time.  

My son(16) told me he was happy that I did it too.  They were in the car as we were talking and he was listening.  I have gotten positive feedback from others too, so I'm hoping this good experience will encourage me to do it again when I need to. 

[Mountaineagle]

Wow! I actually felt proud when I read it  

So curious of what Grey Kitty said to you, could you post a link to the thread?

[Mara2]

Thanks Mountaineagle.  If I did it right this is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198690.0

If I did not do it right look for the Testing Boundries thread.

[rogerroger]

Then he said I abused him too so I asked him what I did to make him feel abused.  He had no answer.

That's great!

I know I wouldn't be so lucky. My stbx was an expert at pointing out every one of my past and present imperfections or mistakes and turning them into forms of abuse. Sometimes it would be almost laughable (I abused her by not spending enough money on her presents), but other times I would get suckered in and think that I really could and should do more for her. I think I am finally becoming comfortable accepting myself in spite of being less than perfect. Since no one is perfect, no one should ever feel they have to be.

[Mara2]

Sunday I did good. Wed I did not do so good.  I knew there would be a next time.  

He called Mon, Tue and Wed asking to come home and I kept telling him that I wanted to wait until we could all meet with his counselor and work some things out.  He kept pushing.  Wed I ended up hanging up on him and I was pretty angry with what he said.  Then I talked to his counselor and she pointed out some things that he was doing that were still emotionally and verbally abusive.  Her reccomendation is that he is not ready for the three of us to sit down together. 

I saw H Wed night and told him about the conversation and that I still do not want him to come home.  Unfortunately I was still angry with him from the previous phone call and I got sucked into an argument.  Grrr.  So much for staying calm!  I did stand my ground, however, and I finally told him the convo was over and walked away, knowing I had not handled it in the best way, but not giving in either. 

The best part of it for me was that this happened outside our church after a service and two guys and one gal stayed around until H left to make sure I was OK.  I am so lucky to have good friends.  All they did was stand there- not get involved, but H knew they were there too. 

Today I will be writing down some ground rules for having conversations with him as his counselor suggested.  Any time either one of us violates the rules the other one can stop the conversation. 

I know he is feeling rejected, alone, confused and angry.  He does not understand that he is unsafe.  It is hard to feel sorry for him and angry with him at the same time! 

[Finished]

Then he said I abused him too so I asked him what I did to make him feel abused.  He had no answer.   

But the thing I am most proud of myself for is that I was able to talk to him calmly and show him respect, but tell the truth.  I did not avoid it or cave.  I think I deserve ice cream tonight!   

Good job

My ex also pulled the "I abused him" card. Did I do things I'm not proud of? Yes ... .   Was I abusive? No

When I asked him what I had done to abuse him, he actually provided examples. Many examples. And not one of them actually happened or happened the way he reported it (what I mean is he would take a small incident and build an entire story around it. The story wasn't based on anything factual.)

I guess what I'm saying is be thankful that he had no answer. I wouldn't scratch the surface of that one because, believe me, getting "examples" would probably have just messed with your head.

Congrats again 

[Diligence]

I have repeatedly found that holding back on boundaries regarding unacceptable behavior never helps improve my relationships.  Learning this from plenty of mistakes helps me maintain difficult boundaries.  Boundaries are important.  They will be a blessing to you in the long run, Mara2!   

 

[Grey Kitty]

 

Sunday I did good.

Just caught this thread today well into it. Congratulations on doing so much better!

Wed I did not do so good.  I knew there would be a next time.   

I saw H Wed night and told him about the conversation and that I still do not want him to come home.  Unfortunately I was still angry with him from the previous phone call and I got sucked into an argument.  Grrr.  So much for staying calm!  I did stand my ground, however, and I finally told him the convo was over and walked away, knowing I had not handled it in the best way, but not giving in either. 

Yes, there are always times I wish I had done better too. Just the same, I still think you are doing great!  First, you didn't make the kind of mistakes you used to make--this didn't sound very bad. Second, you know what you are working on now... .   and when you see how you could have done better, you will improve another time!

But the real thing that kept me calm was to remember what Grey Kitty taught me when I asked questions about boundries. 

 I'm overjoyed to hear how much what I wrote earlier helped you!

[Blazing Star]

It is hard to feel sorry for him and angry with him at the same time! 

This is great! So normal to have conflicting feelings, and challenging yes! Wonderful though, that you feel compassion for him, but also compassion for yourself, that you are standing your ground, that you feel empowered enough to feel anger! Sounds like you are doing great!

Love Blazing Star

[Maryiscontrary]

This is really awesome. Good job. Keep it up.