Prelim Conference

[Mind]

I got through the weekend!  We were very busy but except for the phone calls, he did not come to the house.  Today the girls meet with their L, so we'll see how that goes. I hope it goes okay. She really just listened to me, and noted our discussion.

Tomorrow is the Preliminary Conference and Order to Show Cause.  This is where the Ls will meet to review the complete Order - we are requesting many items including occupancy of the house, support, custody and that level one OoP -which is key.  I think this is where he and I will be there in a big room together.    What will I have to do? Do I need to prepare anything?  Will I need to suggest a custody/parenting plan?  He told me he plans to fight me so I am guessing he will not agree to anything I suggest. 

My DV counselor told me he might have some type of visitation with the kids down the road.  She suggested that I try my best to be flexible at the scheduling.  The only thing is I'm still waiting for that OoP to be approved. If that's approved, that's the stay away order, so maybe custody would be determined at a later date.  I am only comfortable with a supervised setting as of now.  If we go this route, can the grandparents be included at these visits?   I predict he would try to get his parents to come along and they are trouble.   Can I include limitations with this? Trying to think ahead... .    

I've asked him to call between 6 and 7 p.m.  He is not listening to my request and continues to text me every night for us to call back. Sometimes it's too late and the kids are tired.  The phone conversations do not have a neutral tone. My L asked me to continue to journal his interactions.  He is clearly trying to find out what our plans are, what we are doing, who I'm with, why didn't I take D to the doctor, telling her to see the nurse, etc. etc.  I can totally tell it's not in the best interest in the kids.  He also sounded very depressed the other night.  He asked one question and the rest was complete silence.   I also get the feeling the kids are getting bored with the calls.

I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow, so any input would be appreciated!  Just trying to take one step at a time... .  

[ForeverDad]

There is something known as grandparents rights, varies by state, very limited and usually applies only when their child, the parent, is dead or out of the picture, as I understand it.  So it's unlikely they could get their own time, but it may be hard to set limits on spouse as to who he is with on spouse's own parenting time.

On the other hand, you may be able to set limits on who you hand the children over to at child exchanges.  I didn't have that issue much since I had a very possessive ex, she was hands-on with our child, her family was distant and mostly blacklisted, and eventually we used school and daycare as the medium for transitions from one parent to the other.

Be aware that a lot of your concerns are of minimal concern to the courts and a lot of it - the small stuff from both of you - will be ignored.  Try to prioritize the issues and get the big ones handled first.  Not that you want to let go the smaller stuff, it's just that court usually only handles a very few issues at a time.  I recall one time I had typed up a 2 page list of a dozen pending issues.  Unfortunately I had grouped by topic, not by priority.  We addressed only a few issues and I walked out stunned that the important ones were still outstanding and never handled.

Courts will claim their time is limited.  While that's true, it's as though they are willing to go slow expecting the parents to get fed up with the glacial progress in court and actually work out the problems themselves.  Call it practice for their post-decree lives.  Sadly, high conflict cases - about 10-15% - don't turn out that way and fall through the cracks in the system.

[livednlearned]

Tomorrow is the Preliminary Conference and Order to Show Cause.  This is where the Ls will meet to review the complete Order - we are requesting many items including occupancy of the house, support, custody and that level one OoP -which is key.  I think this is where he and I will be there in a big room together.    What will I have to do? Do I need to prepare anything?  Will I need to suggest a custody/parenting plan?  He told me he plans to fight me so I am guessing he will not agree to anything I suggest.  

I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow, so any input would be appreciated!  Just trying to take one step at a time... .  

Will this take place at the court house? Whenever I have had mediation or conferences, I've been able to be in a separate room. At the courthouse, I sat in a small conference room with my L, and N/BPDx sat in a room with his L. We did see each other when we had to go before the judge, and while we were waiting. A few times, N/BPDx went out of his way to sit next to me. He smiled like we were old friends  

Anyway, see if you can ask to be in separate rooms. It may depend on what is available -- but most courthouses have conference rooms for things like this. I think the Ls actually prefer it like that so they can confer together in private out of earshot from their clients, when they do their back room wheeling and dealing. That's why it's important to have goals in place when you go in, because your Ls will have their own agenda and you need to push back on that agenda if it doesn't fit with yours.

Just remember that you can be disagreeable and refuse to budge on issues inside, and yet still make offers that show a willingness to work with people. Your DV counselor is right that visitation is likely to resume. For supervision, insist on something conditional if you are not ready for the grandparents -- if that's what he might suggest. Maybe ask for supervised visitation at a center until custody evaluation is done, then parties will reconvene to discuss the option of grandparents. Just something that shows the issue is moving along, without it looking like you are saying flat out no to a proposal.