Friends don't understand the pain

[swimjim]

My friends have told me that I should be lucky that I dodged a bullet. I did not marry my ex but tried to at the end but my ex buddy interceped and has her now all to himself. My friends just say move on... .   you will find someone else. They don't understand that this grieving is intense because the breakup was sudden with no negotiating or remorse. I'm into month 4 of my breakup and the recovery does not seem to progressed. Maybe it is because I had to see her lie on court (hating me) when I got my restraining order dismissed. Can anyone help?

[fromheeltoheal]

Don't know your whole situation, but a friend shared the wisdom that we don't miss our BPD, we miss the way we felt alive when we were with her.  The combo of a BPD and a rescuer creates a "loaded" bond, and what we had was obsession, like a drug, but not love.  Of course that can be challenging to get over, like quitting drinking or drugs, but that's what's required.  I've made that process the good news, because the pain allowed me to get really clear about what real love is, when faced with an intense dose of obsession, which is the opposite, and the contrast was stark.

What do you think about other than her, and what's healthy about that?

[swimjim]

Hi Fromheel,

Thank you for your response. I think you hit the nail on the head. She pursued me 3 years ago. She was intense and very much IN LOVE (so she thought) with me to the point that after 6 months, gave me a marriage ultimatum. I was not ready and thought she was desperate to JUST GET MARRIED. We never progressed forward after that because of her constant nagging about wanting a ring. She said I was the greatest love ever in her life and I drank her Koolade. I became addicted to her with passionate sex, etc. She finally started withholding the sex because there was no ring on her finger. When my ex friend (who knows she always pressured me into marriage and thought she was toxic), moved in on her, she split me black, hated me, and called the police and filed a restraining order on me when I finally bought her the ring. Now I feel like the loser.   

[jj2121]

Don't know your whole situation, but a friend shared the wisdom that we don't miss our BPD, we miss the way we felt alive when we were with her.  The combo of a BPD and a rescuer creates a "loaded" bond, and what we had was obsession, like a drug, but not love.  Of course that can be challenging to get over, like quitting drinking or drugs, but that's what's required.  I've made that process the good news, because the pain allowed me to get really clear about what real love is, when faced with an intense dose of obsession, which is the opposite, and the contrast was stark.

What do you think about other than her, and what's healthy about that?

That sounds like a good analogy to me.

When I really think about, I found my ex cringeworthy and childish.

I was sucked in by her good looks and the way she treated me at first.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for your response. I think you hit the nail on the head. She pursued me 3 years ago. She was intense and very much IN LOVE (so she thought) with me to the point that after 6 months, gave me a marriage ultimatum. I was not ready and thought she was desperate to JUST GET MARRIED. We never progressed forward after that because of her constant nagging about wanting a ring. She said I was the greatest love ever in her life and I drank her Koolade. I became addicted to her with passionate sex, etc. She finally started withholding the sex because there was no ring on her finger. When my ex friend (who knows she always pressured me into marriage and thought she was toxic), moved in on her, she split me black, hated me, and called the police and filed a restraining order on me when I finally bought her the ring. Now I feel like the loser.   

You're not a loser, you just got cycled thru the BPD pathology like we all did.  See if this is true for you:  mine told me she "loved" me and wanted an exclusive relationship with me  within 6 weeks of getting together, way too early, but it was great to hear, and I think she honestly believed it, from within her disorder, but it also came with an uneasy feeling in my gut, which I ignored.  That uneasy feeling was how it felt when her actions didn't match her words, incongruency, and there was no true intimacy.  And of course I ignored my gut because the idolization felt so good and she was so vivacious in the beginning.  Note to self: don't ignore your gut, it's always right and it never lies to us.  I was naive enough to get caught up in a disorder, and the fact that I was in an intense relationship with someone with a serious mental illness has been sobering to accept and recover from.  Power to us; we made it here, and things are getting better.

[jj2121]

I felt like a loser too. Then realised it was nothing to do with me, I also knew deep down the relationship was not right and would not last, but like as fromheeltoheal said I got drawn in by the idealization.

[Clearmind]

Hi swimjim and Welcome!

It is a grieving process which we all need to move through.

Are you seeking out some help with a therapist? This is highly recommended.

[swimjim]

Hi Clearmind,

I am getting help in therapy. I am going through a difficult time right now. I lost not only my girlfriend but also a long time buddy who is now dating her. The pain is excruciating. I can't even try to talk things out with her. She has no remorse. Friends just say move on... .   I only think of the good times. Oh, how do you get through this?

[First19]

One thing that might help is to realize that she's going to leave your ex friend feeling just like you do now.  It's not like he won some prize - quite the opposite.  These boards have really helped me.  I knew deep down that I was much better off without him, but reading everyone's posts just helps to validate what I'm feeling and helps me be more confident that I'm doing what is healthy for me.

[mitchell16]

First19, I dont think I could have said it better. It will happen to the next guy also. In the end her wont feel like he won any kind of prize. If he has any sense he will look and relize he was another number in a long line. That how i feel. It took me a long time to figure out this pattern. MIne did it to her first ex husdand, trigulated between him and her second ex. I figure teh first ex walked away and thats she winded up with ex #2. Their relationship was filled with turmoil but he was as  bad as she was in a sense. Walked away from him after she married him. The were on/off ten years. Got married, divorced within 6 months. got the boyfriend before me, trigulated him with ex2. Dropped him after 10 months found a replacement for about a month or so and then found me. Trigulated me with ex1 and ex 2 and boyfriend before me. I heard about these 3 people for the whole two years. When I thought I finally had her so to speak, I dont have anything. She walked away from me. Of course Im sure the next guy will be trigulated with me. and the dance keeps going and going and going.In the end I didnt feel like I won anything. I felt almost like a fool that got conne but the are very good at it. she was the best I ever saw.

[HarmKrakow]

First19, I dont think I could have said it better. It will happen to the next guy also. In the end her wont feel like he won any kind of prize. If he has any sense he will look and relize he was another number in a long line. That how i feel. It took me a long time to figure out this pattern. MIne did it to her first ex husdand, trigulated between him and her second ex. I figure teh first ex walked away and thats she winded up with ex #2. Their relationship was filled with turmoil but he was as  bad as she was in a sense. Walked away from him after she married him. The were on/off ten years. Got married, divorced within 6 months. got the boyfriend before me, trigulated him with ex2. Dropped him after 10 months found a replacement for about a month or so and then found me. Trigulated me with ex1 and ex 2 and boyfriend before me. I heard about these 3 people for the whole two years. When I thought I finally had her so to speak, I dont have anything. She walked away from me. Of course Im sure the next guy will be trigulated with me. and the dance keeps going and going and going.In the end I didnt feel like I won anything. I felt almost like a fool that got conne but the are very good at it. she was the best I ever saw.

I can fully relate to this sentence. I also believe my BPD ex was the best con player i've ever seen. Weird man.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, mine was extremely good at it too; originally I thought she was intentionally manipulative and deceptive, but learned all of it was just a response to the continual push/pull in her head.  She lives in a life of continual lies, manipulations, deceits, there is no openness or transparency, she cannot find true intimacy, and she is never truly happy or content; I feel sorry for her, when I can disconnect from the effect it had on me.

My part was almost complete denial and naivety, thinking that if I could just love a little more, be a little better, her life would be awesome.  My heart was in the right place, but my people pleasing, rescuing mindset is my own crap, and the two of us created quite the loaded bond.  The lessons include taking care of myself very well, connecting with my own needs and emotions, and being very present and cautious with new relationships.  Thank you BPD, I moved forward thanks to our "interaction."

[swimjim]

3 years ago when I started dating my ex, she had her hair up in a bun and wore wire glasses and looked real conservative. I fixed her up by having her let her hair down and get contacts and wear tight jeans and heals. I used to think I created this beautiful monster by fixing her up but now I think she knew all along what would make her look attractive and wanted me to think it was my idea. Think of the conservative secretary that takes the pin out of her hair and loosens her hair and takes her glasses off.

[Clearmind]

I am pleased to hear you are getting help in therapy.

We all go through a bunch of emotions when we first separate. The anxiety and grief is over whelming and then you start to question the relationship itself - question whether it was in fact healthy and why we stayed despite the roller coaster ride.

I would imagine you are also wondering if your friend will help your ex see the light! Borderlines follow the same relationship pattern - what you saw in her he will also see. What you may want to consider is how you will handle your friend coming to you in x amount of time wanting to know what is wrong about her.

He will be confused just like you. The difference being - you will have healed, you will moved through the grief and realized what it was that drew you to a Borderline in the first place. His journey will have just begun.

Its a process swimjim and we can't short circuit it. Feel your emotions and work with your therapist to find some good coping skills to handle those emotions.

You will be fine in time - right now it feels awful I know.

[swimjim]

Thank you clearmind. I know it will be a long road to recovery. I have lost 30 pounds in the last 4 months agonizing over this loss. Understanding BPD will help me move forward and lessen my guilt. I always wonder what she is doing and thinking. I wish I was past this stage and thinking of other things.

[Clearmind]

If you are up for a good read - get a copy of Susan Andersens "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" - we also go through our own abandonment cycle when we separate from a Borderline.

[seeking balance]

I am getting help in therapy. I am going through a difficult time right now. I lost not only my girlfriend but also a long time buddy who is now dating her. The pain is excruciating. I can't even try to talk things out with her. She has no remorse. Friends just say move on... .   I only think of the good times. Oh, how do you get through this?

Hi Swimjim,

I can relate - my ex ended up overlapping with a friend - it is messy when that happens and friends of all are uncomfortable and don't really know what to say, so they say the next best thing - you dodged a bullet.

It took me a while to understand my pain actually - not only are you grieving the ex, but also your friend.  Coupled with a core wound in trust - honestly, most folks are not going to easily relate.

Therapy is good, as is this support group because we understand your pain.  If your friends are good for you though - let them do what they can, but if you need deeper support, try telling a trusted one or two.  My friend support came from unlikely places - not the ones I really thought would "have my back."

Give yourself some time and patience to truly grieve all the loss you are feeling.  It will get better, you will move forward in life.

Peace,

SB