Psych eval

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Psych evals were court ordered for both me and x2b. In addition to taking several written tests, I spent some time talking to one member of the eval team. I provided them with descriptions and documentation of her abusive behaviors including threats to harm me, the kids, my family, and my property. Maybe I'm over-concerned, but it was really hard for not to have the impression that the evaluator was dismissing all of my concerns about x2b having a behavioral disorder. She kept saying things like, "All those psychiatric medications those doctors put her on could have made her behaviors worse or even caused them in the first place." or "Let's hope that she can get her alcohol problem under control and start behaving the way a mother should." I couldn't help but get the impression that she had decided that the only issue of concern was substance abuse.

The irony here is that one reason I hung on for as long as I did was because of the hope that alcohol had created the illusion of BPD and that sobriety would restore her to "normal". It took a long time to give up that hope. Her parents played that game with me and are still playing it. "She just needs to find some hobbies." "She needs to stop hanging out with those lousy friends of hers." "If only those stupid doctors wouldn't keep giving her new meds all the time." So it was really hard not to feel like the psych evaluator wasn't just making excuses for her. She didn't say it, but I felt as though she had said, "Trust me, I'm a professional psychologist. I'm sure you mean well with your cute little suggestion that she has BPD, but we know what we're doing."

[rogerroger]

Psych evals were court ordered for both me and x2b. In addition to taking several written tests, I spent some time talking to one member of the eval team. I provided them with descriptions and documentation of her abusive behaviors including threats to harm me, the kids, my family, and my property. Maybe I'm over-concerned, but it was really hard for not to have the impression that the evaluator was dismissing all of my concerns about x2b having a behavioral disorder. She kept saying things like, "All those psychiatric medications those doctors put her on could have made her behaviors worse or even caused them in the first place." or "Let's hope that she can get her alcohol problem under control and start behaving the way a mother should." I couldn't help but get the impression that she had decided that the only issue of concern was substance abuse.

The irony here is that one reason I hung on for as long as I did was because of the hope that alcohol had created the illusion of BPD and that sobriety would restore her to "normal". It took a long time to give up that hope. Her parents played that game with me and are still playing it. "She just needs to find some hobbies." "She needs to stop hanging out with those lousy friends of hers." "If only those stupid doctors wouldn't keep giving her new meds all the time." So it was really hard not to feel like the psych evaluator wasn't just making excuses for her. She didn't say it, but I felt as though she had said, "Trust me, I'm a professional psychologist. I'm sure you mean well with your cute little suggestion that she has BPD, but we know what we're doing."

[Forward2free]

It's really hard not to feel disillusioned throughout the process.

The "experts" review the person that is sitting in front of them at the time and most give them the benefit of the doubt. They are people too and humans make mistakes. I had one senior forensic psychologist give N/BPDxh a positive review, recommend overnights with the kids and shared custody. We ordered a police record and within the same week of the evaluation, he was stalking, strangling, damaging property, threatening and terrifying is ex partner - all while being straight faced and a picture of togetherness in the session. I fought hard, custody didn't change, and the forensic psychologist gave a more balanced version this time around, but still believes N/BPDxh is ready for more kid time - he just wont say how much to keep from committing to anything. Uggh. Will find out more next week with the next session.

Stick to the truth, keep on fighting for the kids and pray hard.

[motherof1yearold]

Are the psych evals completed yet? Any diagnosis for her?

In my case Ex BPD demanded psych eval. on me- came back completely "clean" . I do understand that when Non's demand a psych eval on their BPD partner , BPD is too hard to diagnose and very few get a diagnosis for BPD .

[rogerroger]

Are the psych evals completed yet? Any diagnosis for her?

I don't know whether she has scheduled any appointments for herself at all, yet. I only just found out that we each have to schedule (and pay for, of course) additional appointments where we bring the kids in so that the team can interview the kids and try to get a sense of how the kids relate to us.

She's always been good (as lots of people with BPD are) at putting on a great public face. I have to laugh a bit bitterly thinking of the caravan of people who have experienced the shock of experiencing her transformation of wonderful angel into spiteful demon. She also has a degree is psychology, and the psych tests are imperfect in detecting deception, so I wonder if she'll be able to fake her way through them easily enough. That's the main reason why I gave the eval team about 300 pages worth of documentation of her having received psychiatric treatments as well as copies of police records and audio recordings of her abusive behaviors (I am 95% certain the the psychologist who met with me didn't listen to the recordings - everyone else who has heard them has said they can't believe it is the same person who can be heard professing undying love for me one moment and then saying things like "you think you're so perfect - don't forget that I'm friends with mobsters. Just wait until I tell them to f**k you up" the next).

[motherof1yearold]

One thing : If a person is BPD or a NON courts do not "punish" parents for getting psychiatric help. The reason I say is because I see multiple therapists during and after my relationship - ex tried to use it against me in court and make me out to be crazy. Even got the documentation from the therapists which only documented my ex's abuse on me. It is all I talked about in therapy. 

She will put on a public face which know one will see through, likely. It is so hard for officials to understand her behavior behind closed doors. In your case I would personally rely only on the children's evaluations as any eval.on her she would likely "pass". If anything you could make her court ordered to continue her therapy for a set time.

[scraps66]

If those issues are worthy enough for the evaluator to mention as concerns, then they should be concerning enough and worthy of being formally documented in the report, and, the evaluators should include strict recommendations on how they are dealt with, and, how the custody should be handled in the interim considering the issues stated with ex2b.  You have  aright to request this as well as you are in part paying for the evaluations - the evaluator works for you.  Also, on what basis will any diagnosis be made?  Was the MMPI-2 administered for both of you by qualified individuals?   

[rogerroger]

Also, on what basis will any diagnosis be made?  Was the MMPI-2 administered for both of you by qualified individuals?   

We both have to take the MMPI2 and three other tests (I don't remember what they were all called). Then there is a personal interview with each of us individually, and also an interview with each of us + children. They said additional information could be supplied if we thought it was relevant, which is why I gave them as much documentation as I could (police reports, insurance claims for her medical and psychiatric treatment, and audio recordings of her abusive behaviors). I gave them as much as I could exactly because I didn't want them to dismiss my concerns as a "he-said-she-said" matter, especially since I fully expect her to tell them that the bad behavior was mostly on my side. This is what happened with the GAL, but fortunately the GAL also had access to evidence that proved she was lying.

I understand and even agree with the motivation to encourage strong positive relationships with both parents. But it seems to me that given how severe her behaviors have been, it is completely reasonable to make her earn more parenting time. She has been sober for less than a year by the best estimates (I suspect no more than 5 months given a really incoherent text message I got back in November). She was also (by her own admission) badmouthing my family to the kids as recently as 1 month ago and got warned by the judge about it.

I guess that's why it irritated me that the interviewing psychologist seemed so eager to take a "well, we have to let bygones be bygones and hope she can be a better parent in the future" attitude. It isn't that I expected her to share all my concerns without giving x2b a fair hearing, but rather than she didn't seem to be open at all to x2b's having enduring mental health issues. Instead, she seemed to have decided that substance abuse was most likely the whole of it.