Time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

And suddenly I can't plumb those depths any more

Exactly 12 months since I s\found this forum and 8 months of NC, and my body and mind feel finally at peace with all of this

I have made a bunch of new friends in the past year and am having a wonderful time hanging with them

Oddly, the benefits of going through the hell of borderline abuse are beginning to out-number the negatives. One of those benefits is a knowledge of self. I can see what it was about me that attracted this person into my life... .   and that kept them in my life. Even, why I struggled to let them go. And as part of that awareness, some other people have fallen by the wayside. I have backed away from some friendships that contained some of the dynamics I felt with my xBPD: one-sidedness, lack of generosity (of spirit) etc. I think I have grown enormously from this and that some people are no longer a fit for me. Nothing dramatic. No conflict to pin it to... .   just a disconnection and moving on.

I wanted to share this with everyone because I probably won't be posting so much anymore. I am so far down the road now that even reading about the illness from a technical perspective can't hold my attention any more... .   and I was really interested in it on a prac level for so long.

The one thing I wanted to say before signing out is that TIME is the single biggest factor in all of this... .   and healing cannot be rushed. The peptides and addiction chemicals are super powerful and I believe our over-sensitised bodies can restimulate and trigger thoughts and feelings that are not actually about our ex. For me it became a bit of a loop that i could get stuck in: wake up, check my body, still heavy with grief and emptiness, triggers reminder of abuse, thoughts to that person. Rinse. Repeat.

But when time does its work and the body calms down, so does the mind. So my advice is to maintain things like NC and exercise and mindfulness. But also to not feel like you should be recovered by a certain time. One day, like me, you will just not feel it as much. The pull will be gone and you will see all of it objectively.

I feel awake now to my own psychological mechanics. My ex does not enter my thoughts... .   ever. I am focused on my future; my plans; my goals. And I am working toward those very happy in my own company and no longer come at companionship from a place of need.

And I will let time take the lead again... .   in bringing me whatever future relationships I might consider... .   from this new, educated, calmer place

All the best to you!

BB12

[bb12]

And suddenly I can't plumb those depths any more

Exactly 12 months since I s\found this forum and 8 months of NC, and my body and mind feel finally at peace with all of this

I have made a bunch of new friends in the past year and am having a wonderful time hanging with them

Oddly, the benefits of going through the hell of borderline abuse are beginning to out-number the negatives. One of those benefits is a knowledge of self. I can see what it was about me that attracted this person into my life... .   and that kept them in my life. Even, why I struggled to let them go. And as part of that awareness, some other people have fallen by the wayside. I have backed away from some friendships that contained some of the dynamics I felt with my xBPD: one-sidedness, lack of generosity (of spirit) etc. I think I have grown enormously from this and that some people are no longer a fit for me. Nothing dramatic. No conflict to pin it to... .   just a disconnection and moving on.

I wanted to share this with everyone because I probably won't be posting so much anymore. I am so far down the road now that even reading about the illness from a technical perspective can't hold my attention any more... .   and I was really interested in it on a prac level for so long.

The one thing I wanted to say before signing out is that TIME is the single biggest factor in all of this... .   and healing cannot be rushed. The peptides and addiction chemicals are super powerful and I believe our over-sensitised bodies can restimulate and trigger thoughts and feelings that are not actually about our ex. For me it became a bit of a loop that i could get stuck in: wake up, check my body, still heavy with grief and emptiness, triggers reminder of abuse, thoughts to that person. Rinse. Repeat.

But when time does its work and the body calms down, so does the mind. So my advice is to maintain things like NC and exercise and mindfulness. But also to not feel like you should be recovered by a certain time. One day, like me, you will just not feel it as much. The pull will be gone and you will see all of it objectively.

I feel awake now to my own psychological mechanics. My ex does not enter my thoughts... .   ever. I am focused on my future; my plans; my goals. And I am working toward those very happy in my own company and no longer come at companionship from a place of need.

And I will let time take the lead again... .   in bringing me whatever future relationships I might consider... .   from this new, educated, calmer place

All the best to you!

BB12

[Diligence]

Dear bb12,

Congratulations on your recovery!

Thanks for the encouragement to give recovery the time necessary.

Warm regards!   

[Blazing Star]

Yay! So great to read this bb12! Awesome to see you shining from the other side.

Love Blazing Star

[Surnia]

bb12

This are great news! 

And thank you so much for sharing.

I wish you all the best. 

[maria1]

BB12

I think you are great and I am very pleased to hear where you have got to. Keep us posted here and there if you feel like it and thank you so much for all the wisdom, support, honesty and kindness you have shared with me and so many others here during your journey.

I wish you all the very best as you move onwards and upwards  

[Maryiscontrary]

Thank you for your awesome post. I feel the same upwelling in me manefesting... .   I think I might me almost there myself. Please,  please post updates, as it is critically important for others' understanding this recovery process.

[Mountaineagle]

That is awesome!

I was wanting to post something along these lines but I'll just reply here. Been doing exercising, NC and mindfulness for some time now. True NC for 2 months now, where I have not searched for anything about her. It has been hard work to do this, with small steps and much pain. Today I laid on the sofa and a feeling I have not had for a long time now came; Excitement. It is the first happy feeling I have had since the end of November. I have felt ok from time to time, but most of the days the bad feelings outnumbered the ok ones by a lot. I know I have a long way to go yet. But I saw a light in the tunnel today and then I came over your post. And now I KNOW I will be alright again someday. Thank you so much for a much needed post!