Sitting alone in my house

[goingforth]

She took my daughter and fled the state after filing a false police report.

The pain is unbearable, and the anxiety is through the roof.  There is no sleeping, there is no eating, and there is no more family.  I have to fight for my own life against her allegations, while in the meantime I have nothing left.  I did everything in the world for this woman.  I did everything possible to make her happy and fix her.  I know the constant accusations, going through all of my stuff, checking and smelling my clothes, and violence towards me should push me away.  Yet I miss her more than life.  She had me.  She had every ounce of my being wrapped up in her.  Now I am the victim of a vicious smear campaign as she calls everyone I know to tell them what a "monster" I am.  This is the worst thing I have every experienced.

[Hurt llama]

wow... .   I get chills and am so sorry you are experiencing this.

I am very (add a few verys) that I did not have children with my ex or get married... .   and I had it about as 'good' as one can have it in a relationship with a BPD person... .   and I am also spinning around, dazed and confused and it makes no sense. Obviously we can't fix them... . we just can't.

Not sure what to say exactly but I do know you are in the right place for support and some advice and most of all sharing experiences and knowing you are not alone.

Stay strong.

[goingforth]

I believe Alison Krause "Ghost in this House," perfectly describes how I am feeling. 

[Hurt llama]

I believe Alison Krause "Ghost in this House," perfectly describes how I am feeling. 

My advice is to distract yourself if you can... .   try not to drink... . and try to be with friends... . or just get out of the house.

[goingforth]

I am going to start two things that I completely lost with her.  Music and Running.  Since I wasn't allowed to do those things while we were together, I think I will be able to re-find myself.  I am beginning to build up all the friendships that I lost, despite the fact that she gets in contact with everyone and continues her smear campaign.  How she seems to know where I am going to be at all times, from 2000 miles away, is beyond me.  I have nothing when it comes to social networking, as I deleted everything I had.  I know she used to GPS me constantly with the Find my Phone app, when I was at work, but I have changed the password to that.  Its amazing the amount of possessiveness this girl had with me.

[Surnia]

I am so sorry, jeffriff. Very rough times, I feel with you. 

Taking back music and running is a big 

and also rebuild the old friendships!

I hope your iphone and pc are safe now. 

[goingforth]

I sure hope so... .     She was always like a Private Investigator when it came to me.  After I got out of the first part of my mess, I found out everything she was searching for on Google.  She was obsessed with every female that I worked with, and searched for them incessantly on google, facebook, twitter, etc... .  

More weirdness is that she thought someone (me?) was putting meth in her food.  I noticed her starting to obsess about her heart-rate, but didn't really know why until I dug.  It doesn't stop there either... .   Apparently she thought that someone was watching her.  She thought a serial killer was stalking her.  Near the end she became really reclusive and put sheets over the windows so people couldn't look in the house.

I have no idea where this paranoia comes into play, or if its even a BPD trait, but it was all shocking to say the least.  Maybe there are other mental factors that had a hold of her as well.  I'm just not sure.

Too many hours spent wondering what I could have done to help her more.  I realize now that there is nothing within my capability that I could have accomplished.

[charred]

I sure hope so... .     She was always like a Private Investigator when it came to me.  After I got out of the first part of my mess, I found out everything she was searching for on Google.  She was obsessed with every female that I worked with, and searched for them incessantly on google, facebook, twitter, etc... .  

More weirdness is that she thought someone (me?) was putting meth in her food.  I noticed her starting to obsess about her heart-rate, but didn't really know why until I dug.  It doesn't stop there either... .   Apparently she thought that someone was watching her.  She thought a serial killer was stalking her.  Near the end she became really reclusive and put sheets over the windows so people couldn't look in the house.

I have no idea where this paranoia comes into play, or if its even a BPD trait, but it was all shocking to say the least.  Maybe there are other mental factors that had a hold of her as well.  I'm just not sure.

Too many hours spent wondering what I could have done to help her more.  I realize now that there is nothing within my capability that I could have accomplished.

Its "transient stress related paranoid ideation" - in stress times... . they are paranoid... .   its one of the possible symptoms, not always present with BPD.

I have stayed in the same house where my family was for 3 yrs... . it is tough... . in my case I stupidly fell for a pwBPD (a second time... . first time was 30 yrs ago)... . and ended up divorced. The ordeal of a r/s with a pwBPD and the divorce were horribly stressful.

Things that helped;

Support network... . I went and  lived with my sister during the worst of it, and she kept me sane, if you can, have relatives, friends that support you with you or nearby.

Sounds in the house... .   for a while the silence would intensify the hurt, learned to turn both a radio and a TV on softly, then background sounds of people kept it from being dead silent.

Mindfulness... . saw a T, he recommended Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth"... . and mindfulness to reduce anxiety and be in the present, and once I made a habit of it I found my stress level dropped about 95%.

Music and running are excellent ideas.

[goingforth]

Wow, I never even heard of transient stress related paranoid ideation!  I just read up on it and it makes a lot more sense now.  Thank you SO MUCH for pointing this out.

[momtara]

That is awful.  I am so sorry you are going through this - but apparently it's quite normal for BPD exes to do this.  Horrible, but normal.  Have you read SPLITTING?  Anyway, I hope you can find a tough lawyer who can make a judge see through the nonsense.

[goingforth]

I am extremely prepared for this all.  I have been documenting things for months because I saw things falling apart rapidly.  I had a feeling that I was going to need to cover my bases due to what she did to another ex of hers.  Put him in jail through lies... .     I have talked with him a few times after my incident and the similarities are shocking.  He is still terrified of her, which I can completely understand as this is a traumatic experience. 

I have read up on Splitting.  It is really shocking to read everything and attribute it to her horribly abusive behaviors towards me.  The frustration through this whole relationship is not something that I miss.  The intense love is something that I am having a hard time getting over.  I really thought she was it for me.  I thought she understood me completely, and that we could beat this on our own.  Therapy played a role through her pregnancy as they had to get her on anti anxiety medication for the sake of the baby.  After that she refused.  What made it worse was she went to a Dr for ADD medication which drove her to obsess about my every move at every time.  It made her extremely paranoid as well.

[mango_flower]

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  What you will find is that you will find out who your real friends are. There WILL be people who see through her and her false accusations, I promise.

So many of my friends admitting to me after I split up with my ex that they saw red flags and thought she was a bit "off" but didn't know exactly how to put it into words and didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Sounds truly awful.  Sounds like you have a good plan in taking up old hobbies though.  Let the truth be your friend - she will her trip herself up.

It's so damn unfair, I know 

[Surrender]

I am so truly sorry. It is truly surreal how many of our stories are all so very similar. The transient stress related paranoid ideation makes a lot of sense when looking at behaviors, that is another dot added.

Within the first 6 months of being with my exU-BPD bf I lost two of my best friends because they said they couldn't watch the horror story unfold before their eyes. They told me that they suspected he was very ill and would end up physically abusing me. I didn't listen to them or anyone else for that matter.

People seemed to all be telling me the same thing over time. My sister and brother in law tried to stand by me listening to all my justifications but let me know that they feared for my life because of the instability they saw in him.

Shortly thereafter he had his first psychotic break down due to outrageous jealousy. He found a 3 year old love letter that was written to my ex but somehow couldn't process that the letter was 3 years old. He went  psychotic in public and 4 people called the police after they witnessed him hitting and strangling me in a pure rage because he thought I had betrayed him.

Suddenly his rage stopped when the police cuffed him and put him inside their vehicle. I looked and saw someone defeated and confused. He yelled at me "why did you make me do it? Why did you push me?" from the police car. I had no idea what he was referring to.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! But this is how dangerous my own delusion was in what I felt was this powerful connected love akin to being with my soul mate. This high level of denial allowed me to rationalize the utterly dangerous signs that should in fact have been telling me to RUN for my life. Instead I found a multitude of reasons as to why such a psychotic break happened to him and rationalized it further when he couldn't remember hitting or strangling me.

Only now when I look back on it all can I see how delusional my own thinking and processing was because I felt with him the strongest bond ever in my entire life. I felt a complete oneness in him and that is what was clouding my ability to see straight. I couldn't see the obvious and wanted to cling to what I wanted to believe even in plain sight of what were startling dangerous indicators of what my future would be like.

As broken as I am because of my love for him, I can't help but think that even though this is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, it is actually a blessing for me and maybe I have dodged a very big bullet.

Sometimes we can't see the rainbow behind the pouring rain.  

Even though this I feel is true it is still agonizingly hard because we love them so much and can't imagine life without them. Nothing makes any of this easier. We have no choice but to take one step at a time in processing this all to get our lives to a place where we can have a chance to be happy.

It's all brutal nonetheless.

[goingforth]

Thank you for the kind words.  That last line... .     :'(

During my whole process I knew that there was abuse taking place.  I had to lie to my coworkers about bruises and cuts all over my neck and arms that I would receive when I tried to remove myself from any situation.  I always read that you needed to leave the situation, but that would involve getting scratched, grabbed, keys hidden, body in front of the door, and worse yet... .   grabbing my baby daughter and getting in the way of the car.

The mental/emotional abuse was agonizing as well.  Every girl was a suspect.  I had to hand over my phone and computer at the end of the day so they could be scanned by her.  I remember being so miserable, but now I just cannot shake the heartache. 

[Newton]

jeff... .   I'm so sorry... .   it sounds like you have been through hell and back... .   and you are in a sadly exclusive club in an already exclusive minority of people who understand this awful disorder... .  

Mental and emotional abuse is so hard to cope with... .   physical violence ups the ante... .   I really feel for what you have been through... .   I lived it... .  

Your cognitive dissonance is very understandable... .   I suggest you read up on "trauma bonds"... .   if you haven't done so already... .   It will really help to frame how you are feeling right now... .  

Take care of yourself... .   keep posting... .  

[goingforth]

Wow Newton.  That is pretty creepy... .   Stronger bonds can be created through that, and I do believe that is what happened.  I feel like a piece of me is missing, and even though a majority of the time it was bad, i still feel like this.  I should be rejoicing in the fact that I have some freedom in my life at this point.  I don't have to worry about coworkers sending me funny chats or text messages that may mention another girl in it.  I don't have to worry about the wrong number calling my phone and having my wife call that number, grilling the person about calling me.  I don't have to worry about every link I click on because of what it may leave in my history.  I don't have to worry about getting accused of having sex with every girl in a restaurant because I went to the bathroom (with me head down as to not look at anyone).  So many more things I no longer have to worry about... .   but I miss her more than I have ever missed anything in my life.

[Newton]

The more you read... .   the more you will appreciate how similar our stories are here... .   thats why we can support each other so well... .   we have been through the same crap... .  

Google "trauma bonds"... .   or ask an advisor to post a link here for you... .  

Why would we crave something so hurtful and negative?... .   Read, absorb, understand... .    

You have found a great place... .   it's good to have you on board 

[ForeverDad]

Goingforth, how are you?  We haven't heard from you for a while.  Can we help with anything?  We have tons of peer support here, we can imagine how bad it is with her making false allegations, creating legal hurdles for you and then her running off with your daughter.

You're not alone.  It's happened to many of us here.  But all is not lost!  Let us do what we can to provide support, encouragement and our hard-won knowledge fighting the chaos and disinformation.

If you don't have it already, please get Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's essential but inexpensive handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  If you are facing a legal case in court over her allegations, you need this handbook - and a lawyer too - you can't do it alone.