How to change our needy/ people-pleaser behaviour?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone.

First of all Id like to thank everybody here, reading so many stories has helped me a lot. Also, a special thanks to everybody who responded to me or others, its an exercise for all of us.

I have been really scared when I look back and see how much I have enabled. I have endured so much of not acceptable behaviour. I have been appaled to see much worse cases than mine, people accepting many kids of abuse for decades. Not only accepting it, but getting nothing in return. Its like there was no choice.

So, my question is: what are you doing to prevent from falling into the same r/s? I mean, different person but same r/s pattern. What changed?

Thank you in advance. 

[Louise7777]

Hey everyone.

First of all Id like to thank everybody here, reading so many stories has helped me a lot. Also, a special thanks to everybody who responded to me or others, its an exercise for all of us.

I have been really scared when I look back and see how much I have enabled. I have endured so much of not acceptable behaviour. I have been appaled to see much worse cases than mine, people accepting many kids of abuse for decades. Not only accepting it, but getting nothing in return. Its like there was no choice.

So, my question is: what are you doing to prevent from falling into the same r/s? I mean, different person but same r/s pattern. What changed?

Thank you in advance. 

[Mara2]

For me it was the realization that others needs are not always more important than mine.  I am worth taking care of!  

I use a lot of talking to myself to remind myself of what I have learned in the lessons, workshops, and others stories.  It's not easy to break a lifelong pattern, but I'm feeling pretty liberated these days.  

[Cumulus]

Hi Cristina, I am one of the decades people. How to prevent it from happening again? That was probably the easiest question I personally faced throughout this. For me it was not to get in a new relationship to try and heal the old one but to take the time to get to know myself and heal me. Not for one moment of one day did I ever consider returning to the xBPDh. So, now after two years I am starting to feel ready for another relationship, in one word it will happen, slowly!  All good things take time. Never again.

[doubleAries]

Previously (in my younger days--before my now dissolving 18 year marriage), I believed I could spot the "bad guys" now and avoid them. I only dug myself in deeper.

A big BIG part of changing this pattern is stopping being a "victim" of all this. I can't afford it anymore--emotionally, financially, or psychologically. Instead of scrutinizing others for signs of being abusive creeps that I should avoid, I started really focusing on why I am attracted to abusive creeps. The rest seems to be taking care of itself.

So what does a healthy relationship look like? Honestly, I'm not really sure, but am starting to learn The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

[Pearl99]

"Instead of scrutinizing others for signs of being abusive creeps that I should avoid, I started really focusing on why I am attracted to abusive creeps. The rest seems to be taking care of itself".

I think the above quotation from double Aries is helpful. When my abusive relationship ended, I spent months and months studying the minds of angry, controlling men. I know Lundy Bancroft's and Patricia Evans' books inside out. I watched endless videos on the dynamics of abusive relationships, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and emotional abuse. I had to find my own answers for why my ex could be so cruel. Educating myself on abusive men helped me detach from my ex and not idealize him and want to return to the relationship. It was a very important stage. However, I feel I get locked into that stage, constantly trying to prove to myself that my ex was a scary person who I needed to leave. As double Aries mentioned, it is time to focus on why I am attracted to "abusive creeps". Why did I keep trying to please this angry man -- a man who never gave me the patience and compassion I gave him-- and why did I keep trying to adapt myself to him? Why didn't I leave the first time he humiliated and disrespected me? Why did I keep mending the relationship to the point of almost marrying him?

I think we should start by educating ourselves on abusive people but not get stuck there. We then need to move on to examining our own issues that made us stay with an abuser. The final step, as I see it, is forgiving ourselves and our former partner from our heart and helping others who are walking this same path.

[Phoenix.Rising]

For me, it is more noticeable now when I start doing that codependent dance.  It is apparent in the way I feel.  I start to feel off kilter and I can feel my energy start to drain away. 

It helps me to ask myself why am I starting to feel this way?  What is it I am feeling?  And then, what can I do to change this dynamic for me, not for the other person.  It usually always comes back to me, if I am honest.  Then I can set a boundary or state my need and move on from there. 

This still feels uncomfortable at times, but it works.  I find myself worrying what the other person will think, but my experience is that it usually turns out ok.  So much of it for me is just honoring my needs.  If I slow down and pay attention, the answer is most likely there.  To thine own self be true.

[Louise7777]

Thank you all. Yes, its a lifelong pattern and its hard to change. The link was helpful too. Im still strugglng to understand why I accepted so much, why Im such a people-pleaser. Because of decades of such behaviour I was drained and then set boundaries that look like revenge, actually. I have to fix that.  

[seeking balance]

Im still strugglng to understand why I accepted so much, why Im such a people-pleaser. Because of decades of such behaviour I was drained and then set boundaries that look like revenge, actually. I have to fix that.  

Most of the patterns start with our FOO.

Likely, you were rewarded positively as a child for this very behavior.

[Louise7777]

SeekingBalance, thanks for ur input. I dont think I was rewarded, I believe thats what I was expected to do. No reward, though. Just no punishment.

[seeking balance]

SeekingBalance, thanks for ur input. I dont think I was rewarded, I believe thats what I was expected to do. No reward, though. Just no punishment.

What did those expectations look like?  Did you have your own voice?  Did you felt seen or heard?

[Louise7777]

As a child, never heard. Seen, yes. Cared, yes. But I had a very distant father. Neither of my parents was BPD, though. But being an only child, I guess everyone expected too much of me and it lead me to be a pleaser without even being asked.

[seeking balance]

As a child, never heard. Seen, yes. Cared, yes. But I had a very distant father. Neither of my parents was BPD, though. But being an only child, I guess everyone expected too much of me and it lead me to be a pleaser without even being asked.

Let me say, this is not a critical analysis of your parents - just looking at your own needs and when you first started people pleasing to get them met (back to the topic).

We all need to feel heard - it is basic to learning our own worth.

Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller is a great read and breaks down childhood in a sobering way.  Again, our parents likely did better than what they had, but that doesn't mean we were given the tools to have our own voice, set our own boundaries and realize we have value even if we say "no" to someone.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Seeking Balance makes some great points.  It's also important for me to realize I don't have to feel guilty for setting boundaries or saying "no".  I'm not doing anything 'wrong' in these situations.  Crazy how ingrained this stuff can be.  But it can be unlearned.

[doubleAries]

I actually came across a book and bought (but haven't yet read it) called "when I say no, I feel guilty" I'm going to start the book tonight.

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much, SeekingBalance!

I understand and I agree our parents are not the issue and they did their best. No doubt abt that. We all have our shortcomings and they didnt have an easy childhood either.

Sometimes they didnt know better and neither did we... .   So there´s stuff we carry forever during our lives, unless we realize it and deal with it somehow. Thank you for the book suggestion, Ill look for it.