sad and very worried

[Eco]

just an update- Im getting my legitimation done through a law clinic in my area they help with paperwork and have lawyers that do free work. I should know more tomorrow about the process and time frame. I spoke to my ex uNPD/BPDgf heres the conversation

me- how is hit_ doing? does she need diapers or anything else?

her- shes doing great! how are you doing?

( that made me sick because I know its false careing and shes trying to throw me off gaurd,she hasnt asked how i was doing in 8 months)

me- im ok but I miss our daughter very much

her- im not trying to keep her away from you i just need to her and i are secure

her-are you ready to sign the agreement? ( her agreement that she came up with

me- I dont agree with everything thats on your agreementmainly visatation. i would like to do things legaly I have the forms to legitimate me as her father and we could go over the parenting plan forms and hopefully come to an agreement

her-thats good, I was going to say we can meet with my attorney but you have already started so thats fine

that was friday, I contacted her today (tues)and this is what i got

me-I have to go to the courthouse tomorrow to start the paperwork for the legitimation, can I see our daughter for a few min before i go to the courthouse?

her-if you sign the agreement(her agreement)then you can see her as much as possible

me- im not signing your agreement because I dont agree with it. im going through the court, tell me again how you are not keeping me from her?I would never keep her from you. It doesnt matter , I guess you need to be told by the court to do the right thing and let me see her

her-I am doing the right thing, taking the best care of my children all of them! and you not being around to compromise my health is the best thing for me and my children. And im not keeping her from you, my attorney knows that and so will the courts if it comes to that. He saw the agreement that clearly shows me giving you visitation. Its your selfishness and greediness thats keeping you from her!


I didnt respond back, I wanted to so bad but knew it would be best If i not argue with her. I probably shouldnt have said some of those things, I just miss my daughter so much and im so frustrated. she is holding my daughter hostage and the ransom is me signing her agreement. Its sick

I hope the judge will see in her texts how she isnt making any sense at all, shes saying that if i sign her agreement i can see her as much as possible then saying me being around compromises her health?

In her mind and her agreement i would have visitation on mon 2pm to 6pm and sat 8am to noon at her house, how am i going to have visitation at her house with her there if I "compromise" her health no sense at all.

I am NOT going to sign her agreement, but im worried about the judge being fair to me and giving me visitation time away from my ex

also im not sure if it will happen but i will be asking the judge to change my daughters last name to my last name. right now she has my exs ex husbands last name like her other 2 kids. so 3 kids  3 different dads all with the same last name how good for her  no one has to know she has 3 kids with 3 different men

[KateCat]

Hang in there! It shouldn't be long now.

Do you think the two previous dads just "signed the agreement" she laid out before them?

[catnap]

Do not give her any more information about your legal stuff.  Keep any communication focused on your daughter. 

My son's exgf, had a child previous to their daughter and she and her exbf just had verbal agreement, nothing legal.  She tried to tell him that going to court would hurt him, and they needed to do what she did with her son's Dad.

She did not name my son on the birth certificate, but did give their daughter his last name.  She had kept telling him that because they were not married she called all the shots because she was the mother.  WRONG.  He had 50/50 automatically where we live. 

Do you know for a fact that she has an actual attorney?

[momtara]

I think her responses are GREAT for your case.  For one thing, she is trying to trade visitation for you signing the agreement. That looks bad.  She also says things about her health, not the kid's health, being compromised.  Courts care about the kid, not her... .   Both of these things would work in your favor with a judge or in court, in my amateur opinion... .   just print them out or whatever.

Why do you need free legal help?  Lots of lawyers give free consultations, so make sure you get some good advice.  Seems like right now you are doing fine.

[Eco]

Hang in there! It shouldn't be long now.

Do you think the two previous dads just "signed the agreement" she laid out before them?

thanks katecat  her ex husband fought her in court, they both lost custody when she was a few months old because she pulled a knife on him and the police were involved she went to jail. she got custody after 6 months, her exH has visatation. I should have ran for my life when she told me the story but I believed her side that he wouldnt let her leave.

Do not give her any more information about your legal stuff.  Keep any communication focused on your daughter. 

thanks catnap  I am from this point forward I was hoping i could see my daughter by trying to reason with her but you cant reason with the unreasnable

She had kept telling him that because they were not married she called all the shots because she was the mother.  WRONG.  He had 50/50 automatically where we live. 

where i live (ga) as a unwed father I have zero rights untill im legitamized even if the child has my last name and is on the BC I still have no rights untill im legitimized.  thats what im in the process of doing now

Do you know for a fact that she has an actual attorney?

Im not sure, if she does he must not be very good because ive talked to about 6 lawyers and the all said her written agreement is nonsense and isnt worth the paper its written on

I think her responses are GREAT for your case.  For one thing, she is trying to trade visitation for you signing the agreement. That looks bad.  She also says things about her health, not the kid's health, being compromised.  Courts care about the kid, not her... .   Both of these things would work in your favor with a judge or in court, in my amateur opinion... .   just print them out or whatever.

thanks momtara 

thats the thing, she calls me selfish but everything and i mean EVERYTHING revolves around her, I have every txts since we met saved and i am printing all the crazy ones out and there are many.

Why do you need free legal help? 

I want to have all my paperwork filled out correctly and not look upprepared to the judge. the place im going to does that but its a slow process.

Seems like right now you are doing fine.

Im not and im barely hanging on by a thread, It feels like things are at a complete stop and I want the ball rolling. the lady I was going to see today was out sick so im hopeing she will be in tomorrow. I miss my daughter and I feel like im going to be a stranger to her by the time i see her

[momtara]

You won't be a stranger.  You are a good man for missing her.  Better to do this now than later.  I do think you should have a good lawyer in court with you when you see the judge - even a decent free one.  If you have to pay, you can always put it on a credit card and pay it off (just don't get someone who wants to make it complicated and cheat you; make sure they know you're not rich.)

[Eco]

You won't be a stranger.  You are a good man for missing her.  Better to do this now than later.  I do think you should have a good lawyer in court with you when you see the judge - even a decent free one.  If you have to pay, you can always put it on a credit card and pay it off (just don't get someone who wants to make it complicated and cheat you; make sure they know you're not rich.)

thanks again momtara, I talked to the legal aid person today and she is getting me set up with a pro bono lawyer.she thinks its better then going to court alone I agree im just very impatient right now.

[momtara]

The fact that she is giving you 8 hours visitation at her place is just silly.  Esp since she can file a restraining order based on a false charge.  You shouldn't have to go inside her house.  :)o you have any history of substance abuse, police involvement, etc?  If not, I don't see how she can demand that your visitation be supervised by her.

Judges in most (not all) states are very fair to dads these days.  Even dads who are on drugs have gotten liberal visitation (sad but true).  I know you are worried, but just show the texts and you should have a good case.

[sanemom]

You are doing the right thing by not just signing anything.  It is in the best interest of your daughter to have a good attachment to BOTH of her parents.  And at this age, that means she needs FREQUENT visitation--not her silly proposal.  Her daughter is not going to be able to develop a good attachment with you with that little visitation!

Keep fighting and not saying much to your ex!

[ForeverDad]

In her mind and her agreement i would have visitation on mon 2pm to 6pm and sat 8am to noon at her house, how am i going to have visitation at her house with her there if I "compromise" her health no sense at all.

I am NOT going to sign her agreement, but I'm worried about the judge being fair to me and giving me visitation time away from my ex.

I doubt any judge would order you to have vistation time with your ex.  If you and she are in conflict, that won't happen.  If a judge ordered that, then it would be tantamount to inciting an incident and judges don't want incidents.  (Caveat - however sometimes their orders don't make sense, we here in peer suport can only sympathize and strategize with you.)

Remember, your visitation time - many here prefer to call it parenting time - is YOUR time with your child.  No stipulations to avoid your family, report in as though monitored, submit to interrogations, etc.  You should be able to take your child with you to your home, parks, appropriate events, visiting friends and family, etc.

As momtara wrote here, if you're not a risk of causing child abuse or child neglect, you will get unsupervised time.  If it has to be supervised - possible temporarily for an investigation if she makes allegations against you - you can ask that it not be under her control or in her home or a place under her influence.

The fact that she is giving you 8 hours visitation at her place is just silly.  Esp since she can file a restraining order based on a false charge.  You shouldn't have to go inside her house.  Do you have any history of substance abuse, police involvement, etc?  If not, I don't see how she can demand that your visitation be supervised by her.

Judges in most (not all) states are very fair to dads these days.  Even dads who are on drugs have gotten liberal visitation (sad but true).  I know you are worried, but just show the texts and you should have a good case.

Since separation over 7 years ago, I have never been inside my ex's residence.  Not once.  Yes, there was one time during a child exchange she invited me inside and offered to show me around, but there had been too many threats of ":)on't come anywhere near my residence or I will call the police!" for me to approach her door.  Her moods were too erratic and inconsistent for me to feel willing to risk going onto her home turf.  Of course, by that time we had court orders.

[momtara]

Let us know how it goes!

[Eco]

Thanks everyone for the support it really does help me

The fact that she is giving you 8 hours visitation at her place is just silly.  Esp since she can file a restraining order based on a false charge.  You shouldn't have to go inside her house.

I absolutely agree, funny thing is my name is on the lease at "her" house its up in augest of this year and im still paying my part of the rent for my daughter. I cant come in and i have no keys because she took them off of my keychain when i wasnt lookng and she wont give them back. I havent faught her on this because I dont have any things there and i havent lived there since last augest when i had to move out because she was about to get physical with me during one of her rages.

Do you have any history of substance abuse, police involvement, etc?

no none at all, Ive never been arrested or had any drug problems.

Keep fighting and not saying much to your ex!

thanks sanemom, I plan on it

Since separation over 7 years ago, I have never been inside my ex's residence.  Not once.  Yes, there was one time during a child exchange she invited me inside and offered to show me around, but there had been too many threats of ":)on't come anywhere near my residence or I will call the police!" for me to approach her door.  Her moods were too erratic and inconsistent for me to feel willing to risk going onto her home turf.  Of course, by that time we had court orders.

I feel the same way, I dont trust my ex with anything at this point

Remember, your visitation time - many here prefer to call it parenting time - is YOUR time with your child.  No stipulations to avoid your family, report in as though monitored, submit to interrogations, etc.  You should be able to take your child with you to your home, parks, appropriate events, visiting friends and family, etc.

I agree, I want my son to see his sister and not have to worry if there will be a episode from my ex and my mom still hasnt got to see her yet. my family cant stand my ex and my son is scared of her.

Let us know how it goes!

thanks i will indeed.

thanks again everyone for your help,this forum really has helped me stay grounded , Im sure all of you know how are disordered ex's can get in our heads sometimes and twist our thinking.