I changed as a result of my relationship

[oricle]

Until this relationship came to an end, I never had a nasty or angry breakup, my ex broke it off with me in January this year and we have had 4 breaks in the 16 month relationship in total, this one being the final one.

I have attempted some forms of communication and reconciliation along the 3 months now that we have been apart, such as messaging her to talk about what happened, sending her a card and meeting up with her and discussing the situation, each time she has managed to make me feel like i am being aggressive or angry or still manipulating the situation into me being wrong wrong wrong and her putting in all the effort she could and didn't do anything wrong, I feel like im being Narcissistic in a way because I am trying to discuss and talk about these issues and then getting frustrated or aggression back from it, but she still accepts the communication such as meeting up etc.

I am finished with her now and NC begins after my final email sent this morning letting her know that the remaining money that I owed her was being transferred, and I made a bit of a goodbye letter too, just letting her know that i was hurt from it all and how it ended and thank you for being a part of my life etc, but I feel like while I know I wrote it for the right reasons, im not sure that she will or did take it that way, i am painted black, so I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way but I am sure that it will of course, its so weird and hard to comprehend, i've never experienced being told that i am not considering the affects of my actions on other people when the only thing I am trying to do is understand and express how I feel.

I was getting so worried about the fact that i could be being narcissistic or something is wrong that i have been googling it and searching for symptoms and signs... .   i don't normally get angry or as frustrated as i have with this situation so it may be either her rubbing off on me or just the effects or reaction to the situation, and I haven't been able to identify myself having any of those traits around my friends and family really, it only seems to be with her and trying to talk to her about this situation... .  

It's scary when you look at how the situation has panned out over time, the relationship was so good, then she ended it and somehow we ended up arguing and fighting about anything and everything!

just some rambling... .   i'm worried about how i am reacting to this situation tho, my intention was to talk about it, work on it together as a normal couple might do, and instead i am reacting to her anger and frustration with exactly the same way she is... .   and thats not right :S

anyone else had an experience like this? its scary stuff when you look back at it and think... .   hey, thats not you... .   why did you do that or say that... .   :S

[HarmKrakow]

Because you were slowly sripped of your self confidence and self dignity. It makes full sense that after the break you look in the mirror and be like, this is not me. And therefore act different. Thats why its not wise to mention to an ex she has BPD, because shell fire it back at you.

All the nons show traits of BPD and NPD in the end of a break up. It's the simple result of being worn out and tired after all the mental abuse. Same goes for when you'd be tired after running.

[oricle]

Yeah that does make sense, yeah drained was an understatement, i was stressed out, high blood pressure, depressed, anxious, isolated myself from my friends and family, you name it, but it was all my fault of course... .  

Thankfully I made it out alive... .   I am just not liking this person that I am around or to her right now so thats something for me to focus on from now on... .   and yeah I am noticing the traits a bit here and there like I am leveling with her when it comes to talking or discussions or starting to lay blame or arguing or whatever... .  

I realise that that is not normal so it is stopped now i see it but WOW, its scary how you can get all caught up and lost inside of it... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Yeah that does make sense, yeah drained was an understatement, i was stressed out, high blood pressure, depressed, anxious, isolated myself from my friends and family, you name it, but it was all my fault of course... .  

Thankfully I made it out alive... .   I am just not liking this person that I am around or to her right now so thats something for me to focus on from now on... .   and yeah I am noticing the traits a bit here and there like I am leveling with her when it comes to talking or discussions or starting to lay blame or arguing or whatever... .  

I realise that that is not normal so it is stopped now i see it but WOW, its scary how you can get all caught up and lost inside of it... .  

It makes full sense. This person was putting you on a pedestal and brushing your ego.

Time flies and ur in dreamland, the moment she kicks you off u realize, sh!t, that wasn't me. And ur contemplating between wanting to get back on the cloud (drug addicted) and realization.

[oricle]

Thanks for the input, i am glad i am on this board and can ask questions like that and see that its not just me... .   i thought i was going crazy today when i looked at what i was doing and what i had written ... .   as soon as the money clears its complete NC and her friends and moving on.

I can see she's not going to change and not going to be capable of understand where i am coming from and what has happened, and i can guarantee she has probably tainted her friends with how bad i am and what i have done to her and all that too based on the facebook comments i've seen here and there too, so definitely not worth the hurt and drama... .   time to move on.

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks for the input, i am glad i am on this board and can ask questions like that and see that its not just me... .   i thought i was going crazy today when i looked at what i was doing and what i had written ... .   as soon as the money clears its complete NC and her friends and moving on.

I can see she's not going to change and not going to be capable of understand where i am coming from and what has happened, and i can guarantee she has probably tainted her friends with how bad i am and what i have done to her and all that too based on the facebook comments i've seen here and there too, so definitely not worth the hurt and drama... .   time to move on.

Meaning... .  

She projects the feeling of you being an ass (narcissist, bipolar, BPD, whatever, just horse dung) ... .

You realize that talking to her is nothing different than talking to a wall.

No you are not. You are not crazy.

[Clearmind]

o R i C L e and Harm - to balance this discussion a bit!

I believe its natural to feel anger/resentment when our relationships fail. What lies under that anger are true feelings of inadequacy, rejection and sadness. This is probably what we are masking here.

What I do get is the reason for some of this threads content - a few profanities and cuss words against your partners - however - on the flip side - can we be mindful that we chose this relationship, we chose to interact and engage with our partners and we also need to extend some accountability and maybe work towards a balance - that is - finding the balance between anger and resentment with your sadness.

Sometimes its tough to find that sadness and grieve - anger can mask our true feelings of rejection.

I too felt rejected - however to put that into perspective I also took back some personal power by realizing that I chose it and I was not forced. I stayed despite the abuse - and so did you my friends.

[HarmKrakow]

o R i C L e and Harm - to balance this discussion a bit!

I believe its natural to feel anger/resentment when our relationships fail. What lies under that anger are true feelings of inadequacy, rejection and sadness. This is probably what we are masking here.

What I do get is the reason for some of this threads content - a few profanities and cuss words against your partners - however - on the flip side - can we be mindful that we chose this relationship, we chose to interact and engage with our partners and we also need to extend some accountability and maybe work towards a balance - that is - finding the balance between anger and resentment with your sadness.

Sometimes its tough to find that sadness and grieve - anger can mask our true feelings of rejection.

I too felt rejected - however to put that into perspective I also took back some personal power by realizing that I chose it and I was not forced. I stayed despite the abuse - and so did you my friends.

Would you argue that anger, as a catalyst to start healing and then realizing we were accountable is better than the other way around? Working on yourself and then realizing you made mistakes, were fully accountable and then feel anger.

Btw, the discussion, did you chose it, is a discussion I could simply have with you for hours and hours to come . I do agree with you, but there are 'exceptions'.

I realize why I staid

I realize why I got into it

I realize I put myself blindfolds on.

However, the note 'feeling' rejected by someone who is mentally ill is something I would see different. Why be angry at someone who is incapable of loving you realizing that person is incapable of loving you? I do have a feeling what your saying, as in warning that we don't let us get feeded by our anger towards the BPDex which is only short term gain but not long term recovery of ourselves. I think the anger which you might read towards the BPDex is more anger towards ourselves for our own misery.

[Clearmind]

o R i C L e, our relationships were enmeshed. For me, I had no clue where I began and he ended - we were one in the same.

He needed me, and I needed him. The line was blurred.

Healthy relationships certainly allow for couples to discuss issues and concerns and come to some sort of solution. Unfortunately our relationships were not like that and are often built on some shaky foundations.

Our partners triggered us and we had means of coping with the projections.

None of this is your fault. We do however need to process what happened and why we stayed. There is a reason why we didn't see it as abuse - many of us became accustomed.

[Surrender]

I have asked myself this question as well and pondered whether to write one final letter for the sake of closure. Then I came to the conclusion that it probably wouldn't matter or make one lick of a difference. My ex-UBPD had no problem on the very day he abandoned/dumped me going out to a bar-b-q party with his ex-girlfriends and frankly sounded like he was eager, excited and couldn't wait to go have some fun with his new replacement.

I concluded therefore that he doesn't deserve to know that I am sitting here continuing to suffer, unable to socialize or 'get on with life' just yet while he is pursuing his new or old exploits.

For me I don't want him looking at me like I am weak, or still suffering. His narcissism would like that. As far as I'm concerned if anything I would want him to think that I too have moved on and am not wasting my time on him.

At least this is what I surmised from my situation with my ex. I know he would feed off receiving something like that. It would flatter his ego and somehow in his mind he would see it as having 'something' over me and therefore he would think that he could tap into that anytime he felt like it in the future when his exploits bore him or when he can't feed like he needs to. For him he would think that he didn't lose anything if he knew how much he hurt me and that I am still here hurting over him. I don't think there is such a thing as healthy 'closure' for me or my very U-borderline ex. I have thought about this long and hard. 

However, I think in your case if closure gives you a sense of peace and cuts any hidden strings that you felt needed to be done with then I think you did well. For me... .   I just can't give him that edge over me and I can't give him any more of my heart and soul.

[whereisthezen]

Some of the tools we use as nons are not exactly normal behavior, we are using them to maintain the relationship with the BPD.  We defuse situations, ignore confrontation, set our boundaries like ABC, we are lied to, we are loved greatly at the same time lied to or lied about.  We are disconnected from healthier people because we are learning tools to cope.  We are codependent most of us.  Are you becoming BPD or have traits? No I think it's still projection and you over analyzing yourself because you changed for the BPD in your life and you are getting back to who you were before you met them.  I think you can be successful just focusing on what you need and accept that you made a mistake, even if you learned from it, that you dont want to make again in a future relationship.

I am sure you are compassionate and helpful. It wont work or be recognized by a BPD for too long.  Others know you are.