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[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex hasn't come to terms with the fact that he has BPD... .  

I don't want to label him as having BPD to our daughter, but I do not know how to explain the dysfunctional, confusing  behaviors to her.  If I don't give a name to it, I come across looking as the weak parent who couldn't get my stuff together... .  

[changingme]

My ex hasn't come to terms with the fact that he has BPD... .  

I don't want to label him as having BPD to our daughter, but I do not know how to explain the dysfunctional, confusing  behaviors to her.  If I don't give a name to it, I come across looking as the weak parent who couldn't get my stuff together... .  

[mrclear]

Hi,

For the moment I think it's best to just relax... .   I take it the child is living with you and that's a good thing. Best not to use the term BPD and shield her fom erratic behavior. What is important is to let her know that it's not her fault and keep an eye on how your ex's behavior is influencing the child. Setting boundaries is important. Maybe these links can help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles4.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0;all

mrclear

[mamachelle]

hi changingtimes,

Many of us here struggle with how to tell our children that a parent is mentally ill without harming their relationship with the parent.

My 2 DD are 13 and 16. At this point, due to his erratic and abusive behavior my girls over time have been told different things

Like Dad has a problem controlling his temper.

Dad has problems with his emotions.

Now... .   well, they know Dad is mentally ill and he has BPD even if they don't understand exactly what that is. Unfortunately we've been able to see in talking about their friends behavior a lot of their Dad -- so I use the friends as a way to illustrate the problems their Dad has with lying, emotional outbursts, bad treatment of girlfriends.

You mentioned in another post your DD is 13.

What has she said to you about her Dad or noticed?

How often does she see her Dad?

Have you considered putting her in therapy to help with coping with being a teenager and also dealing with a mentally ill parent?

Some of which way to go about helping her is going to depend on her emotional maturity at this point.

Yours,

mamachelle

[changingme]

Mamachelle,

Yes our child is 13, she sees his ups and downs and inconsistencies not directly at her, but indirectly that still upsets her.  I tell her that he has a lot of issues that he has to work on, but she is also trying to understand why did I "let him" and she is right.  Except as well all know, its not that simple.  She sees her dad a lot, almost everyday.  He is involved with the everyday care and we work together with all 3 of our schedules.  He is great to her but then there are times I have to protect her from him. 

She is in therapy and I have thought about mentioning to her therapist privately about her dad.  Maybe that could help the therapist understand the confusion?  The other thing, is there is a chance she may be following in his foot steps of BPD.  There are a lot of similarities with certain things; which also makes me leery to mention he is mentally ill because then she will just tag herself the same. 

She is just at that fragile age that I am not sure exactly how to proceed.  She is old enough to know the truth but still fragile enough to keep it in simple terms. 

[mamachelle]

changingtimes,

So good to hear your DD is in therapy. You absolutely should mention your concerns to her therapist. I would not specifically mention BPD but the behaviors. Mention that you would like her therapist to start gradually working on her relationship with her Dad.

I think making it clear that you are just as confused by your ex's behavior as she is might help to ease the pressure you feel to explain things.


I would probably try to let her therapist do the work first. You have enough on your plate sounds like! My DD were both in therapy for a few years and are emotionally very mature.

I am also a step mom. I remarried to a Non.  My 3 SS are now 8, 10, 15... .   they are still more emotionally fragile like your DD and I could never discuss their mother's illness head on. We say things like

"oh you know mom! She is bad at making plans,"

"mom gets kind of emotional sometimes"

All 3 are in therapy.

My SS do also live with us 90% of the time now, but do spend a few intense weeks of the summer now with BPDbioMOM in another state and they always come back an emotional mess.

As for your DD13 developing BPD herself, well keep an eye on it. Some of it is what we call  fleas from learning coping skills from a BPD parent.

I also post a lot over on the Supporting a Son or Daughter Board... .   because my SS10 is so much like his BPD bio mom... .   but too young to get any kind of BPD diagnosis.

A couple great books to get yesterday  are:

I don't have to make everything all better by the Lundbergs

as well as

Essential Family Guide


Hope this helps some. Others may have good ideas for you as well.

Welcome to bpdfamily.com and keep reading and posting. You are definitely not alone!

Yours,

mamachelle

[changingme]

Great advice! I agree and I will try all your suggestions.  I haven't heard of the term "fleas" yet but I can understand what you mean.  I really hope it is just learned, however she does always feel alone and no one loves her.  Definitely something to keep an eye on, but as you know she is getting help now which is good.

[mamachelle]

Hey changingtimes,

Glad I could offer some help. I had to laugh because as I was saying how mentally resilient my DD13 was here ... .   she was in tears last night because she feels terrible about her weight. She is a little overweight but active in sports and trying to diet carefully using portion control. She was just feeling terrible and somehow her BPD Dad, and how she wishes he was not so hard to deal with, and how she misses him but doesn't want to see him, and how her friends are all going in directions she doesn't want to (making bad choices)... .   got thrown in there with the mix of emotions... .   We talked through it and I think she will be ok. It's also PMS stuff. Sigh, It's never easy.

Take care,

mamachelle

[changingme]

Hi mamachelle,

I have heard my daughter say stuff like that as well... . that she doesn't want to see him or talk to him.  Its hard because he gets mad at me, he thinks I am allowing her not to speak to him but sometimes I am just protecting her so I don't push her if she isn't ready. When he is distant with me she also pays.  Just heart breaking.