I HATE how she made it out to be MY fault

[paperlung]

My ex-girlfriend's reasons why she cheated on me: "You weren't giving me enough attention. You weren't as loving anymore. You didn't care enough about me anymore. I can't relate to you. We don't connect emotionally. You are emotionless."

This succubus drained me dry both emotionally and physically. I catered to her every whim, did everything she asked of me. I was burnt out. Seeing her became like a chore. I felt like she was my kid instead of my girlfriend. She didn't drive, she didn't go out on her own (agoraphobic), all she did was sit in her room waiting for paperlung to come over after school/work. The relationship was so one-sided. SOO one-sided. I can't stress that enough. She made me see her basically every day because she was always lonely/depressed/anxious. I don't know about you, but I didn't NEED to see my ex every day. In fact, I looked forward to the days in which I was able to stay home and just relax and not have to worry about her needs. God forbid I say to her, "Babe, I think I'm going to stay home tonight. I'm tired." She would guilt trip me every time and say, "You're abandoning me? You don't love me" And she'd get angry. Arggghhhh. I can't believe how much crap I put up with. I regret not dumping her the first time the thought came into my head as I was thinking, "Man, this relationship kind of sucks. I'm not happy." But no, I had to fix her. I thought in time it would get better, but it just got worse.

It's so true. They suck you dry, and once they feel you're no longer satisfying their needs, they move onto somebody new. They have no concept of reciprocal love.

Maybe if you weren't such a crappy girlfriend, I wouldn't of withdrawn so much.

Sorry, feeling angry tonight.

[Clearmind]

Don't blame yourself paper lung - there is little you can do to change her mind. The validation that you did all you could has to come from you and your own self worth.

Seeing her became like a chore. I felt like she was my kid instead of my girlfriend.

Some pretty clear reasons why this relationship may not satisfied your own needs.

[MammaMia]

paperlung

EVERYTHING is ALWAYS someone else's fault with BPD.  They are incapable of

taking responsibility, so they off-load the blame.

I know this is difficult and painful now, but it may turn out to be a blessing.  Understand this... .   with BPD we can NEVER do enough to make them consistently happy.  It is not possible.  You did not fail the relationship... .   she did.  

Once the anger has passed, you will be able to better rationalize what happened and understand you are not to blame, AND you deserve better.  Then you can move forward.  We all live and learn.

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH said he was "justified" because I had been mean to him.  He said that I made him cheat.  He was meaner to me than I had ever been to him and in so many different ways.  I feel drained too in so many different ways.  You are right.  Nothing is ever their fault.

[paperlung]

The relationship was never the same after she cheated on me. She told me I had changed, that I wasn't the man she used to know when we first met.

Well, guess what, sweetheart? YOU had an affair on ME with a man twice your age who lived across the Atlantic Ocean. So I wasn't the same anymore, you say? Maybe that had something to do with YOU and what YOU put ME through.

She's in a LDR with some other guy now who also lives in a different country, over a thousand miles away. It's just been one relationship after another with this chick. I don't think she can cope without a partner. It's sad. Always trying to fill that void of emptiness. But it's never enough; she's like a bottomless pit. Sure she'll screw him up in the head before she leaves for somebody else, too.

[Mightyhammers]

She told me I had changed, that I wasn't the man she used to know when we first met.

Ive had this thrown at me a number of times, her first silent treatment toward me lasted around 6 months after she had told me that I wasn’t the man she first thought I was. Then toward the end of our breakup she kept telling me that she felt like the man of the relationship ( what she meant I couldn’t quite fathom though, and I could never get a straight answer from her concerning our relationship anyway ). Maybe this is BPD code for Im f**king someone else?

[healingmyheart]

paperlung

About the time my ex decided his needs weren't being met for whatever reason, he started reaching out to 3 women and had 3 emotional affairs going on at once.  When it started happening I noticed him distancing himself from me hence I sorta started to withdraw from him too.  I could see the change in him although he continued to tell me that he loved me, etc.  He was colder to me and made off the cuff kinda mean comments.  He quit contributing financially to the household expenses.  He didn't seem to feel any loyalty to me at all.  When I decided I wanted answers and examined his phone records, I could see the pattern.  He initiated phone contact with the women all on one particular day.  I think back and try to understand what must of happened to cause him to reach out.  Was it something I said?  Was it because he didn't like his xmas gifts I gave him?  Was it because he wasn't satisfied with me sexually?  I don't think there really is an answer because as you know, it's more about them and their discontent.  In a normal relationship, you discuss issues that concern you and work through them.  In a BPD relationship, you triangulate and pull in other victims.  It's a viscous cycle which repeats itself over and over.  It is not our fault... .   we are the innocent bystander to all this ultimately getting hurt along the way.  

Time to heal yourself and let go of the heavy burden of their pain... .  

[imstronghere2]

My ex-girlfriend's reasons why she cheated on me: "You weren't giving me enough attention. You weren't as loving anymore. You didn't care enough about me anymore. I can't relate to you. We don't connect emotionally. You are emotionless."

Sounds ALL so familiar.  This is what my exwBPD said to me:  "I needed romance and didn't feel appreciated.  He said I was perfect!"   

I don't have time to detail it but I felt exactly like you do.   Good thing you didn't invest 22 years like I did.  The good thing is that I have two of the best kids anyone could ever ask for and I got sole custody.   

Eventually, the anger will subside but it's normal to feel like you do.  Stay strong.

[syz]

Even *if* all those things were true did you make her trip and fall with her legs open onto some guy?  yeah thought not.  

It's called blameshifting and pretty much every cheater does it with or without BPD.  It's like they follow a handbook.  They will also rewrite marital/relationship history to suit their narrative.  

No matter what the issues in a relationship are the decision to cheat and the responsibility for it lays 100% on the shoulders of the cheater.  Normal people state their case, and then break up first.  

[mitchell16]

I found this to be the case with my exBPDgf. Nothing was her fault. I mean nothing. every once in a great while she would say something was her responbility something bad happened but thats about it.

in the first 6 months of the relationship she started the push away cycle. she claimed she was having relationship issues and guilt from her divorce. which had happened over ten years earlier. I sensed something else was going on. I took her out for a dinner and told her if she had some unfinshed business from a previous relationship that we could break -up go our seperate ways. down the road when she figured it out we might could get back togther. But i needed her to be honest with me. becasue if we didnt have that we didnt have anything. She denied it another man. well, she lied about a trip to a relatives house for a weekend, I found later she met her ex boyfriend. When I confronted her with this. It was my fault she said I made it hard for her to tell me the truth and she added that if she had told me teh truth I might not had waited on her. It was my fault.

once she had some other man texting her, said her best freind had gave him her number and she didnt know why her freind would do that. HMMM

another time another man was texting her at 100 in the morning. didnt know how he got her number or why he was texting her. later she blamed it on her cousin, that he gave this guy her number.

she and her best friend had a big fight. Her friend went off her, they had been doing some remodeling together.I heard her best telling her she was sick of my BPDgf changing her mind. The freind went off on her. My BPDgf didnt undertsand, said her friend must be on drugs. and before it was over the exBPD said it was probably me the friend was mad at and was just taking it out on her. I wasnt even in the same room when the fight happend. Me and teh freind wasnt even talking about anything.

so no its never their fault.

[healingmyheart]

Yep, never their fault... .   my ex said that he reconnected and had emotional affair with "married" women who'd he'd previously had physical affair with was because I wouldn't let go of the issue and it was MY fault.  Oh, also he continued to communicate with her because SHE manipulated him.  Poor guy, he's such the victim of all these women... .   NOT!

Oh yeah, he originally had the physical affair with married women because she pursued him.  He tried to resist but she was relentless... .  

Lastly, he got a divorce and had an affair on his wife because she was a horrible person... .   I've met her... .   she's a wonderful person. 

I finally see the common denominator here and it's not all these women.  Took me awhile but I get it now.

[VeryFree]

Yep, I think mine even planned some things to be sure that things going wrong was my fault.

And when I didn't fall into her trap, she just still blamed me.

[slimmiller]

Even *if* all those things were true did you make her trip and fall with her legs open onto some guy?  yeah thought not.  

It's called blameshifting and pretty much every cheater does it with or without BPD.  It's like they follow a handbook.  They will also rewrite marital/relationship history to suit their narrative.  

No matter what the issues in a relationship are the decision to cheat and the responsibility for it lays 100% on the shoulders of the cheater.  Normal people state their case, and then break up first.  

Thank You! I so needed to read that today.

When I first met mine she was not legally divorced but they were 'done'. Yeah right. I know better now because she told me 'after' she had met the next guy after me that she needed space and then slept with him with no closure in our relationship. That has always been my point with her. Relationships fail but cheaters follow the same playbook everytime. When the new one is on the hook they drop the previous one.

Sad. But they will never have a real honorable relationship themselves because they screw every one up. Its almost like they do it on purpose