Pain of loosing the BPD battle

[changingme]

Every time I come face to face with my ex I feel like crying.  I could be in the best mood, high off life, but just a minute of eye contact can flood me with a ball of emotions, flip me upside down and remind me of everything I worked hard to move forward from.

Is that really obsession as people say it is? Or true love? Or just the pain and anger of knowing it didn't work out and not because it didn't work out, but because BPD was something bigger than you could ever fight?

I am not sure that will ever go away... .  

[Hurt llama]

Every time I come face to face with my ex I feel like crying.  I could be in the best mood, high off life, but just a minute of eye contact can flood me with a ball of emotions, flip me upside down and remind me of everything I worked hard to move forward from.

Is that really obsession as people say it is? Or true love? Or just the pain and anger of knowing it didn't work out and not because it didn't work out, but because BPD was something bigger than you could ever fight?

I am not sure that will ever go away... .  

I cant imagine having to go face to face with my ex... .   although I am sure it will get better for you... . I am sorry you are suffering.

I thank god she is 3K miles away, we were never married and no children... .   She might be in my area for 2 months and I am dreading it very much with the idea of seeing her randomly or even on purpose... .  

I feel your pain!

[changingme]

I wish!

We have a child, we live in the same town, his entire family lives in the same town, his gf lives here, mutual friends, and you got to love facebook for situations like this too. 

I sometimes believe the healthiest thing to do for myself would be to move out of state, but I could never do so. 

[Hurt llama]

I wish!

We have a child, we live in the same town, his entire family lives in the same town, his gf lives here, mutual friends, and you got to love facebook for situations like this too. 

I sometimes believe the healthiest thing to do for myself would be to move out of state, but I could never do so. 

I had a feeling... .   I came soo close to getting married... .   she had moved her whole life to my home... .   her kids were one week from coming... .   and I knew I couldn't do it to them... .   (or me and my kids)... .   It was the hardest decision I ever made... .   When she moved in, it was like my dream... . I was amazed... . we had been through some horrific times together but we survived and it was the best... .   Then she got ice cold... .   nothing I could do was right... .   she was having anxiety panic attacks and I didnt' know what was going on and I ended the engagement... . I blew up her world but she seemed to want me too... .   I'll never really know... .   she never forgave me even though she said she did and she got me back and we both went on hurting each other.

But i have thanked god a million times that she didn't move to my town. I literally would have moved... .   so I understand your feeling that way even though you can't move.

Ugh... . I know there are many others in similar situations... .   Even thinking about my ex around me is making me feel uncomfortable.

[Surrender]

Wish I could give you a hug and make you a warm cup of tea in front of a warm fire, tell you everything will be okay. Truth is everything WILL be okay but it will take some time. I don't know how I can say this given where I am but I know even for myself that everything WILL be okay down the road. I don't know the time or date but I know it's coming for all of us because there is no other option.

I want to let you know that I suffered the same feelings and sometimes I would break out in a gentle cry. Somehow I knew the end was inevitable. I feared it with all my heart and soul. Never LOVED another like him and think I never will.

But I have to move on. No choice. I have to believe that good hearts will be rewarded in some way. I have to believe that the very thing I am most jaded about now CAN happen even though right now I believe it's utter impossibility. If you asked me if I could ever LOVE again I would honestly tell you "ABSOLUTELY NOT".

But I have to believe differently. This experience has been in many ways my greatest teacher and that cannot be a negative thing in the end.

It will be okay in the end for us all because it simply cannot go any other way. We are fighters and lovers. That is a good thing. Just need to get through the pain bit by bit. Right now we are in a type of hell but I know that we are all making huge leaps in the areas we need to.

Time will do the rest.  

[changingme]

 

At least I know I am not the only one, I knew we all shared the same experiences and confusion, but it amazes me how we all mirror each other in the depth of our pain too.  The crying when I see him or knowing I need to move far away to be healthy, I thought these were weaknesses of my own... .   but I see it is really a result of a being in a turmoil relationship with BPD. 

[asher2]

changingtimes... .   I feel for ya. I'm sorry you have to interact with him regularly. I can imagine having a kid in the mix can certainly delay getting over him since you have to see him on a regular basis.

My advice to you is to make a plan so that you can limit the amount of times you have to interact with him. Is there a way you can handoff your child without having to see him? You mentioned Facebook... .   cut him out of your Facebook-world. If you are going out with mutual friends, is there any way you can make it clear to them that you do not want to talk about him at all? My point in giving these suggestions is that the contact is bringing you down (understandably so). The more you can limit it, the better chance you have at being able to move on sooner.

The last time I saw my ex, she tearfully told me (after I found out that she had moved on to my replacement within hours of us being done) that she wished that we would have had a kid together so "that way we can never be apart." At the time, she said it somewhat jokingly. Of course, she was telling me I was the man of her dreams, the guy she had moved onto she didn't even really have feelings for, blah, blah, blah. But looking back, I'm not sure she was joking. There probably was a big part of her that really wished that happened so we could always be connected. As you probably know, abandonment fear is the root of BPD.

And as others have said, yes the pain does lessen over time. To answer your question, for me it was a mix of all the things you said at the end of our relationship. It was a mix of an unhealthy obsession, some true love and a lot of pain and anger that it didn't work out. I've been NC for 4.5 months and for whatever reason, the anger still shows up. I just get so mad things didn't work out. But there is nothing I (or you) can do about it and in the long run, we are very lucky things didn't work out. I know there is someone better out there for me and I need to continue to work on myself so that I can be my best self for future relationships. 

[changingme]

asher 2 -

Thanks for the advice... .   I don't have him on my facebook, but you know how you see things when people are tagged, etc.  Still hurts.  We don't go out with mutual friends, but when you know people that know him you somehow know what he is up to a lot of time.  I have cut down on communication with a lot of people he is very connected to (included his family who I was very very close with).  That has helped a lot even though that hurts as well.  He is a very involved parent and our child has a lot of health issues, which is also just more ties.  

One day it has to get better... .  

[clairedair]

hi changingtimes

I once told my exH during a reconciliation that I did not feel that I was 'fighting' his ex-gf, it was his dis-ease that I was battling with.  I think the reason I feel in so much pain just now is not so much about his impending marriage but about realising I was never going to beat the BPD.  And just to prove I was right about the competition not being his ex-gf, it's another woman he's marrying - someone he's known but only been dating since December.

We too share children so I need to have some contact and it affects me every time - even a two-word text can bring my day crashing down at times.  I get angry with myself but then remember that it's OK to be someone loving who doesn't switch off her feelings overnight.

My ex and I have recycled several times and I tried different things each time we separated - not seeing him at all and only communicating via e-mail; or the opposite - keeping regular contact; detaching from his family or staying involved etc.  I've still not found a solution that makes this less painful. 

I can't imagine what it must be like to have to cope with a child with health issues and an ex with BPD.

"One day it has to get better... .   "  Hope it's sometime soon.

take care

Claire

[LostSunshine]

Every time I come face to face with my ex I feel like crying.  I could be in the best mood, high off life, but just a minute of eye contact can flood me with a ball of emotions, flip me upside down and remind me of everything I worked hard to move forward from.

Is that really obsession as people say it is? Or true love? Or just the pain and anger of knowing it didn't work out and not because it didn't work out, but because BPD was something bigger than you could ever fight?

I am not sure that will ever go away... .  

I can certainly relate to this.  Even without an official diagnosis, to know that nothing you did no matter how positive, reassuring or supportive would ever make a lasting difference is devastating. 

At my therapy appointment today, my therapist touched on this a bit.  "The exhaustion you have of trying to read her intent or feelings is understandable.  For you, you've given enough for both people and poured your entire heart and soul into this relationship.  It has drained you because your spent energies aren't being replenished by your partner.  You gave 100% to it.  You need to have a relationship where you give 100% of 50% in the relationship.  The other person needs to give 100% of the other 50%.  You're not getting that here."

The pain is made even harder when there isn't any explosions of BPD anger or violence where it is evident to everyone it's not healthy.  The waif-types seem like they could just be NORMAL if they would make one or two key adjustments... .   but this can't happen by our efforts.  No words or pleading will make the difference here.  It's like a mirage in the desert that always seems just so tantalizingly out of reach, when we are dying of thirst.  Unfortunately, we need to find a REAL source of water to quench us.

[Clearmind]

"Pain of loosing the BPD battle" - says it all really changingtimes! We feel a sense of failure/rejection/sadness (in that order) for not being to rescue our ex's, rather than save ourselves.

Do hope you are looking after yourself.