She is always right but I never am... ?

[Morrowind]

Anything I do wrong no matter how small is like setting off a nuke. While her mistakes which may be numerous sometimes, like anyone, are met with understanding and compassion.

So last night I had the last alcohol of jaeger in the house(2 shots) while I honestly thought there was more in the house. Now I know she has had a toothache and has been using this as a coping mechanism until she can see the dentist. Well I knew after I had the last of anything... .   As soon as she realized this she flipped out and pretty much made things miserable for 2 hrs. I had apologized right away but didn't make a difference. Which at that point she goes and informs her friend of a private conversation that we had of a sexual nature to try and embarrass me. Nothing wired, just wanted to make me look like a pansy I guess. Apparently saying, hey is it just mechanical or do you get emotionally involved makes you a pansy.

But I digress. Every time I slip I get hit by a Mac truck. Every time she slips she is met with kindness and compassion. Finally last night I said straight out that I'm done with it. Any problem I have is no longer going to eat at me while I tuck it away. I'm sick of not saying anything and killing myself over it. I always bury my feelings and try to avoid any confrontational since it is always met with horrible outcomes.

Am I being an a$$ or is this a legitimate thing? I know there are always 2 sides to things but even she admits she was in the wrong. I've been killing myself on the inside for months and have become so resentful that I hate myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi Morrowind,

It is not a legitimate thing at all, but unfortunately, it is normal for a relationship with a pwBPD.  I can resonate so much with what you're saying.  I can be polite but just one slip of tongue he will verbally abuse me, and of course nothing can be said about his abuse.  Whatever you do right, they do it 100 times better.  Whatever they do wrong, you do it 100 times worse.  Sounds familiar?

It's a sad fact, but fairness does not come into play in a relationship with a pwBPD.  However, there are things you can do to help yourself.  For a long time I was resentful, doubtful of myself, hated and second-guessed everything I did- just like you.  Read the Lessons on the right, understand how they think (not that it will make their actions right), and work on yourself.  How to stop making things worse, and when you did make things worse, how to forgive yourself.  Take care.

[Morrowind]

Chosen,

Thank you I'm glad I have people like you and others I this group that go through the same thing. I guess what I'm also wondering is if I should make good on my promise to myself to voice my opinion, well when it's something that could be worked on like an annoying habit or something of that nature. I'm so lost and just feel like giving up sometimes... .   Which I have been doing. In the sense where I repress everything on my mind like my Irish family tradition or voice every problem.

I guess the real answer would be to find a middle ground and pick my battles where it will cause the least collateral damage... .  

Answered my own question maybe but would appreciate any input you, Chosen, or anyone may have.

[Rockylove]

I guess the real answer would be to find a middle ground and pick my battles where it will cause the least collateral damage... .  

  BINGO!  You've hit the nail on the head.  Many books, seminars, etc have been based on that very concept.  I don't believe it's just in dealing with BPD, but in all relationships one must choose what one considers the "big stuff."  Although there are some far more challenging situations with BPD (there's that pesky little thing called irrationality), I think you'll find that the more solid ones boundaries are on the things that are ones core values, the easier it is to meet opposition with firmness and still remain compassionate. 

I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm finding it worth my efforts.  I just have to be mindful not to allow all the "little stuff" to become "big stuff" as the overall dysfunction can cloud my vision.