Who has issues with low self-confidence?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How many are feeling a lack of self-confidence after the relationship ended?


My ex lied constantly from day one and throughout our relationship. I found out, about a month after the breakup that he was in a relationship with someone else when we met. This violates my "I don't get involved with partnered/married/dating individuals. From the beginning he was pushing me into positions that caused me to violate my own boundaries/beliefs/values.

Did I ignore signs I saw? NO ... .   I questioned those I saw. The answers seemed to make sense at the time.

HOWEVER, there was much I was completely in the dark about. There were no signs. There was nothing for me to see.


Which brings me to one of the biggest issues I'm dealing with since the break up 20 months ago ... .   My own lack of self confidence.

How could I have been involved with this person for 4 years and missed so much? Please do not tell me I "didn't want to see it". That isn't true. There was nothing to see.

How could I have lived with him for 2 1/2 years and not have known what was going on, sometimes right under my nose or in our home?


Anyone else dealing with this? How are you rebuilding your self-confidence?

[Finished]

How many are feeling a lack of self-confidence after the relationship ended?


My ex lied constantly from day one and throughout our relationship. I found out, about a month after the breakup that he was in a relationship with someone else when we met. This violates my "I don't get involved with partnered/married/dating individuals. From the beginning he was pushing me into positions that caused me to violate my own boundaries/beliefs/values.

Did I ignore signs I saw? NO ... .   I questioned those I saw. The answers seemed to make sense at the time.

HOWEVER, there was much I was completely in the dark about. There were no signs. There was nothing for me to see.


Which brings me to one of the biggest issues I'm dealing with since the break up 20 months ago ... .   My own lack of self confidence.

How could I have been involved with this person for 4 years and missed so much? Please do not tell me I "didn't want to see it". That isn't true. There was nothing to see.

How could I have lived with him for 2 1/2 years and not have known what was going on, sometimes right under my nose or in our home?


Anyone else dealing with this? How are you rebuilding your self-confidence?

[wishingwell17]

dear finished,

I can relate and I also have struggled with self confidence. I saw some of them and many I did not see, until later. The ones I discovered later had more impact on me; my self confidence.

I have had to teach myself through repeated affirmations that the lies were his to own.

He chose to do and say the things he did. I did not "make" him lie to me. I did not control his mouse clicks online.

His "issues" were at play when he made these choices. He knew my boundaries and pushed through them covertly.

There is no excuse or love in his actions. They are, to me, lacking an emotional maturity which is important for the success of any long term commitment.

He gets to own these behaviors. I have mentally placed them in a box and mailed them back to him. in my vision of this box I printed on it: "you suck".

In healing I am realizing my own issues are what allow his poor behaviors to impact me in ways which cause me ongoing emotional pain.

I am also realizing some people are very good at concealing and those of us who do not practice this do not expect it from others and this is not a bad thing.

I did trust and I was betrayed. I think sometimes the feeling of being taken advantage of, or being fooled by someone we love, is what places the knife in our self confidence.

For me, I felt like I could no longer trust myself, my intuition, my own judgment. This was disorienting at best.

The steps in getting back my self confidence have been a little at a time. Some weeks are better than others. I challenge my comfort zone. Each time I get a positive result my self confidence feels like it is creeping back.

What are some positive things you want to do for yourself? Is there anything you put to the side while you were in your r/s that you would like to do again?

Anything you have never done before, but really want to try? 

[Diligence]

Dear Finished,

Liars can be very polished.

The last time I confronted my xNPDh about ignoring our custody agreements he lied in front of our children to make me look manipulative and deceitful.  He lies with indifference and maintains a guise of innocence.

I saw glimpses of this before I married him.  But my self-confidence was already in the toilet, so it follows that I accepted the unacceptable and married him despite red flags.   

The emotional neglect I have suffered did not begin with my former husband.  I grew up with a BPDm and an alcoholic dad.  I don't think I have every felt sustained self-confidence.  I am working on building it with the help of therapy and lots of personal effort, under the oversight of God.

Warm regards from someone who understands!

[marbleloser]

It sounds like you were trusting.I believe that's a trait most of us here have.We take things at face value and trust others,believing that everyone is basically a "good" person. We project our own values onto others.It's difficult for us to understand an untruthful person,because we're pretty truthful.This sets us up as a perfect "target" for untruthful people.

Another thing.When you've been lied to from the beginning,how can you expect yourself to see any red flags? You were mislead.That doesn't reflect on you,but rather on the one that did the misleading.I went through the same with exBPDgf.When everything is a lie,you can't fault yourself for not being able to recognize it.

This will help you immensly in the future.You've learned that everyone isn't as trustworthy as you are.

[arabella]

If you succeed in cheating someone... .   don't think that the person is a fool... .   realize that the person trusted you much more than you deserved.

Finished - do not let this damage your self-esteem, the problem was with your ex, not with you! As you said, there was nothing to see, therefore nothing to be done on your part.

I've always struggled with self-esteem. Maybe that's why I was attracted to a pwBPD in the first place? Regardless, I recognize the problem now and I'm trying to build myself up. A large part of that has been trying to let go of the negative things I tell myself, my self-blaming, and self-shaming. So, Finished, perhaps that is the place for you to start too? Let go of blaming yourself. You did not violate your boundaries - you didn't know. You were true to yourself given the information you had at the time.

[VeryFree]

Something to ask yourself:

is your self-confidence gone because of your r/s or were you in this r/s because of a lack of self-confindence?

Reason to ask: the last was my reason. Low self-esteem, always questioning myself, feeling not to good about myself and I had -I thought- a beautiful woman who loved me and was there for me. Maybe she had some troubles, but I could help her with that (codependency). Ten years later: flushed down the toilet after been broken down completely. And still no self-confidence, but I'm building that. I know what went wrong the past decade. I know I deserve more from live, I deserve more from a partner. I know my work on myself is not done yet.

In other words: try to figure out why you were in this r/s.

[Cumulus]

Hey finished, yeah that " I didn't really want to see it" doesn't work for me either. I believed for many years. Why, is one of the biggest questions I've had to answer to myself. I think the best answer is I trusted. I thought he had the same thoughts as I did. So not true. I had to learn that not everyone thinks like I do. Some people think terrible thoughts. Like how to cheat on your partner and get away with it, like how to get someone to believe your lies, like how to make others think you are a good and kind person when you have a heart full of hate or how to build a bomb and maim and kill children and innocent people. I will never understand it. But, I have learned that there are people who think this way, who want to destroy others and who take pleasure in creating distress in others lives. So, now I am more aware. I am still trusting but am far more questioning then I previously was. That is how I am building my self confidence back. By listening and reading what others have to say and at times acknowledging to myself, that is BS. I don't need a reason, I can see it and I can feel it.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, cumulous really hit it on the head. For me, it is horrifying the vast number of people who ascribe to this thinking. I don't have self confidence issues, I have issues with social land mines, like the ones just described.

[Finished]

Something to ask yourself:

is your self-confidence gone because of your r/s or were you in this r/s because of a lack of self-confindence?

Reason to ask: the last was my reason. Low self-esteem, always questioning myself, feeling not to good about myself and I had -I thought- a beautiful woman who loved me and was there for me. Maybe she had some troubles, but I could help her with that (codependency). Ten years later: flushed down the toilet after been broken down completely. And still no self-confidence, but I'm building that. I know what went wrong the past decade. I know I deserve more from live, I deserve more from a partner. I know my work on myself is not done yet.

In other words: try to figure out why you were in this r/s.

thanks for the response ... .  I know exactly why I was in the relationship ... .  got that part covered ... .  

no, the lack of self confidence I'm experiencing now is directly related to my ex ... .  

I got into the relationship because I believed I was ready to be in one. I had worked hard to get my life together so that I would be a good catch for someone ... .  Something happened about a year into the relationship that undid all the previous work. I was diagnosed with cancer. So my selfesteem nosed dived.

I'm just more freaked out by how much I didn't know.