Having a bit of a bad day guys...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As most of you know I've been doing so well as of late. However, as my thread title states today I'm having a bad day and finding myself feeling a little down. I understand this is likely just part of the process but I felt the need to turn to my bpdfamily.com family.

I'm finding myself ruminating about her kids today. I've always had a soft spot for kids and always had a special connection with them. Obviously her kids were no exception (4 and 8) and I really bonded with them, particularly her 4 year old.

We made up all these silly games and when playing them I'm not sure who had more fun, me or her 4 year old . The amount of joy her kids filled me with is unexplainable. I can remember several occasions where I would be playing with her 4 hear old around the house and my ex would look at me with a huge smile and say "you really are like a father to my girls.  They've never had such a special connection with any other guy, it makes my heart melt." She mentioned many times how important I was to her kids and one time even said "you can't ever leave us, the girls would be devastated".

It ruminations  like these that just scream out in my head how could she have so abruptly dump me and never speak to me again. I mean I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids - at all. I often wonder what they think happened to me? She even immediately removed and blocked me from her 8 year olds facebook.

I recently started a thread and spoke about how I came to the realization that there was no real emotional connection with my ex in the relationship. But I'll tell ya what... .   there most CERTAINLY was with her kids, and she CLEARLY saw that. 

[Dave44]

As most of you know I've been doing so well as of late. However, as my thread title states today I'm having a bad day and finding myself feeling a little down. I understand this is likely just part of the process but I felt the need to turn to my bpdfamily.com family.

I'm finding myself ruminating about her kids today. I've always had a soft spot for kids and always had a special connection with them. Obviously her kids were no exception (4 and 8) and I really bonded with them, particularly her 4 year old.

We made up all these silly games and when playing them I'm not sure who had more fun, me or her 4 year old . The amount of joy her kids filled me with is unexplainable. I can remember several occasions where I would be playing with her 4 hear old around the house and my ex would look at me with a huge smile and say "you really are like a father to my girls.  They've never had such a special connection with any other guy, it makes my heart melt." She mentioned many times how important I was to her kids and one time even said "you can't ever leave us, the girls would be devastated".

It ruminations  like these that just scream out in my head how could she have so abruptly dump me and never speak to me again. I mean I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids - at all. I often wonder what they think happened to me? She even immediately removed and blocked me from her 8 year olds facebook.

I recently started a thread and spoke about how I came to the realization that there was no real emotional connection with my ex in the relationship. But I'll tell ya what... .   there most CERTAINLY was with her kids, and she CLEARLY saw that. 

[Wooddragon]

Hi dave - I don't think there's anything I can say that makes this better for you. The injustice of seeing innocent third parties - children - caught up in such a mad spiral is bad enough as a thought or idea - but actually knowing the children must be heartbreaking.

It is right & natural for you to feel their loss - and being naturally a caring person, maybe it is even harder for you. I understand that unlike detaching from the ex, it is impossible to see the children as being toxic to you. Poor little things :-(

My daughter was 7 when she met my ex & was very fond of him. His own adult daughter had seen a succession of women in and out of his life. Sorry not more help 

[Dave44]

Woodddragon -- thank you for taking the time to respond. It is hard, very hard. I feel like I'm well on my way to detaching from my ex but the longing I have for her kids that I equally fell just as much in love with is and has been very difficult. It's just another element to the whole thing. I hope they are well. Given what I now know about her I can't imagine how many men have come and gone from their lives. Matter of fact, when I first started dating her, her youngest kept saying her previous ex's name a lot. Sad, very sad.

[ComoLu]

My grandson is 10.  He has lived with us most of his life.  When myuxBPD husband deserted our family, he chose to do so the weekend of my grandson's birthday.  My grandson's dad was never in the picture, and he was extremely close to my x.  He has been heartbroken, wondering if it was somehow his fault, wishing his granddad would come back.  The lies, disrespect, and inability to take responsibility that my x showed after he left made my daughter cut her father off, so my grandson has had nc with my x in nearly 2 years.

Last year as his birthday approached, my grandson cried every day for a week.  His birthday is approaching again.  I hope it passes more easily this year than it did last, but he is still in great pain.

My x wants nothing to do with those of us he left behind.  He doesn't care about the pain he caused or that our grandson is heartbroken.

I write this to let you know that the children always suffer in these situations, and that those kids probably miss you as much as you miss them.  :)o what you can to stay in touch with them.  They may really need you.

[Hurt llama]

I still miss my ex's daughter... .   i loved that kid and she told me once how she felt when she met me that I was her real father and that I had come back to her... .   The poor thing is also probably BPD... . I am sure of it... .   it's tragic... . and it's generations of passing it down... . it's victim to victim to victim... .

Sorry to read and know you are in pain... .   It's got to be hard.

[theboro504]

Hey Dave, Sorry bro. The days do seem to go up and down. In time they start staying up longer and down less.

My ex fiance’s children were teens, 13 and 15 and I too miss them. We would go eat together, I let the oldest drive my car as she was learning. We joked and picked at each other and I enjoyed helping out and getting them places they needed to be when their mom needed to be elsewhere. My ex said the same things and seemed so happy that a man in her life cared and loved her children. In the end, it’s just empty words and I guess it is just what they do. I equate it to the old “Lets make a deal” show where someone has won the trip, the car, the boat and the cruise and they trade it for what’s behind door number 2.

I can’t relate nor understand it and I am glad I can’t.

You aren’t alone. Mine and most likely yours can certainly find plenty more males; they aren’t as likely to find another man. If they do, they won’t want him either. But we keep being men, good men; because it is what we are.