She'll still be around...

[LostSunshine]

With the move out coming closer and closer, I'm struggling with more than a few things.  One is that I NEED her.  She's my partner in raising these kids and since my new job will have me working nights soon, she'll need to be there to help take care of them... .   it's fairly unavoidable that she'll be around.

With that comes the potential for use of me as supply for her needs.  Her GF is a trucker, so she'll be gone most of the weeks. (Coincidentally she's already confided in me that she's TERRIFIED of her getting a local route.  How about that huh?)  If not me at most times, then certainly the kids or the familiarity of the home situation here that she's leaving.  She says she wants to stay away and allow me to heal, but I just don't believe she'll do that when it comes to her getting what SHE needs.  With her being around opens the door for recycling attempts and such.

How do I make it through this?  I'll be very weak, even though I do NOT want to continue like this, being convenient when she needs me and tossing me aside when she doesn't.  I deserve better than that and it's what I want.  At the same time, I need her help with the home situation until I can get a day shift job.

[GreenMango]

You seem to have a pretty good understanding of the future pitfalls.  I would agree there is a risk there.   And it feels pretty awful to be used emotionally.

You are right contact with her is unavoidable.  You have children and logistics.  No contact to protect yourself while you are vulnerable isn't an option.   There are other ways to help you with these vulnerabilities - they aren't as quick and easy but long term will give you a better foundation.  During all this you are going to have to grieve too.  That's probably the hardest.  Be real kind to yourself on that front.

You need a plan LS and a support system.  How's your support system - this is the most important?

A plan for yourself and your future: Legal, reviewing boundaries and the detachment lessons (right hand margin---->

A plan for communication: SET, DEARMAN, validation

A plan for the kids: communication, parenting

A plan for how you approach her: Karpmen triangle, boundaries, validation

Which ones of these workshops have you read?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[LostSunshine]

None actually.  I have been more focused on trying to get a sure handle on what I am dealing with.  But I will start reading them to get myself ready for what I'm pretty sure is coming.

ONe of the fears I had was my being able to afford the house without her help. (granted, she hasn't been helping for months now and any help has been rife with griping and reluctance) Thankfully that has been resolved so that weight is lifted off my shoulders.

I've been slowly starting to reach out to my support group, friends, friends who've been through divorce, family.  They all are in my corner and I am so thankful for them.  I'm actually going to hang out with friends tomorrow.

I don't know yet how I will deal with her, but as I read the lessons I'm sure all will reveal itself.