Can a non learn behaviors from BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It sometimes felt when my SO with BPD would split I would do the same back.  I would look at him as all bad forgetting ounce of goodness in him. When he would show his softer side, I would think he was the nicest person in the world and forget all the bad.  Sometimes he would say I am unstable, he never knew what "person" he would get each day.  Some of that is true, some days I would just love him so much and others I would be so hurt and I would express that.  I also noticed I had less tolerance to people around me and would sometimes finding myself looking at them as either good or bad, when I was previously someone who could only find the good in people.


I am assuming this is normal, that I was reacting to his behaviors and dealing with the anger and hurt each day, but it is not nothing I have seen mentioned too much in these boards. 

[changingme]

It sometimes felt when my SO with BPD would split I would do the same back.  I would look at him as all bad forgetting ounce of goodness in him. When he would show his softer side, I would think he was the nicest person in the world and forget all the bad.  Sometimes he would say I am unstable, he never knew what "person" he would get each day.  Some of that is true, some days I would just love him so much and others I would be so hurt and I would express that.  I also noticed I had less tolerance to people around me and would sometimes finding myself looking at them as either good or bad, when I was previously someone who could only find the good in people.


I am assuming this is normal, that I was reacting to his behaviors and dealing with the anger and hurt each day, but it is not nothing I have seen mentioned too much in these boards. 

[Whatwasthat]

Hi changingtimes.

It seems very self aware on your part to have picked up on this.

I have a feeling that it might relate a bit to the idea of 'fleas' that is mentioned on these boards. The idea comes from that old saying that ... .   'if you lie down with dogs you pick up fleas'.

There's quite a lot written about 'fleas' and how easy it is to become influenced by the behaviour of a partner with BPD issues to such an extent that one starts to exhibit some of the same traits. But the concensus is that once you've noticed this you can train yourself out of the behaviour.

[wishingwell17]

changingtimes,

I concur with the thoughts from Whatwasthat?.

I remember the day the light went off for me. It was this last December. I returned his rage with equal fervor. I felt awful the next day, ashamed of myself, ashamed I would say those things to someone I love. With every nasty thing he pulled out that night, I matched him and might have raised him. I apologized to him for my behavior two days later ( the next time I saw him). I did not bring up his behavior, nor did he, or return an apology.

This a pivotal moment in which I understood how toxic the r/s was for me. I was changing from a person who, like you, looked for the good in people, to someone who was behaving in a manner which had caused me tremendous pain and one I had no respect for at all. It just was not me. I didn't want to behave this way with anyone, ever, especially my partner.

The good news is you can get rid of the "fleas", like WhatwasThat mentioned. Using mindfulness and other tools we can keep them at bay if we are near our partner.

For me, and this may be very individual, being away from his provocations, anger outbursts, and emotionally corrupt behaviors, seems to have made a huge difference.

I also acknowledged and accepted what I did, forgave myself, and promised myself I would not allow myself to ever be in this situation or put anyone else in it by returning a rage.

the good news is you see something in yourself you wish to change and you can.

wishing you healing.

[Finished]

I remember the day the light went off for me. It was this last December. I returned his rage with equal fervor. I felt awful the next day, ashamed of myself, ashamed I would say those things to someone I love. With every nasty thing he pulled out that night, I matched him and might have raised him. I apologized to him for my behavior two days later ( the next time I saw him). I did not bring up his behavior, nor did he, or return an apology.

This reads like a passage out of my journal.

I completely relate to the part about my apologizing and my ex-dxBPD never apologizing. After about two years I finally started to crack under the pressure of it all and displayed behaviors not inline with who I am. My ex was not a yeller, he was the waif type. I became the one who yelled. I never once got an actual apology from him. He never once came to the realization without my catching him that he did wrong and then apologized. I would feel so guilty about becoming a person I am not and displaying behaviors that were not norm that I was ashamed and would try to make amends.

I even remember sitting there in the living room one day while he got on the phone with his therapist. After everything he had done. After all the games, lies and manipulation he said something that almost caused me to pass out.

He said to his therapist "It's ok now. I (me, not him) had apologized." ... .   He never acknowledged his behavior. That was the day I started to truly see that we were never going to get anywhere.

I was changing from a person who, like you, looked for the good in people, to someone who was behaving in a manner which had caused me tremendous pain and one I had no respect for at all. It just was not me. I didn't want to behave this way with anyone, ever, especially my partner.

Same here. I still struggle with this.

However, I have a different take on it as opposed to taking on BPD behaviors. I don't know if it's so much that we pick up their behaviors as much as everyone has a breaking point. My therapist and out couples therapist said that I had more patience than anyone they had seen in years. I realized that my tolerance for unacceptable behaviors was extremely high due to factors from my childhood. I had learned to just accept and accept until I broke. It's something I have been working on in the last 20 months to change.

By the time I cracked he had done so much to me. He had lied about me. He had blamed me for things that couldn't be my fault. He had pushed me to a breaking point. He had positioned me to violate my own boundaries and beliefs for his own benefit. It became a pressure cooker and I finally blew up.

What I'm learning is to set a tighter set of boundaries so that I never find myself in this position. I didn't take on BPD behaviors (though I did question my sanity at times). But I did violate myself. I did eventually break.

Everyone has a breaking point.

[doubleAries]

changingtimes,

I think this article may blwo your mind PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle it sure did for me.

Maybe we could learn "behaviors" from the BPD's, but more likely is that we have our own issues to begin with (why else would we hook up with a BPD?) like codependency and the like. But BPD's are pretty good at pushing us onto the Karpman triangle, and we're pretty good at responding.

[doubleAries]

hmmm, not sure why that link failed but let's try it again https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This is really worth reading... .  

[wishingwell17]

I realized that my tolerance for unacceptable behaviors was extremely high due to factors from my childhood.

The last couple of years I have realized this about myself as well. Painfully, I admit there was a time I believed this was a strength.

I do understand, now, it is more of a co dependent trait, as well as early issues from my FOO. This realization for me hit me hard(and recently). Breaking down a behavior which has served me well in my career, but also caused so much pain in my personal life, was/is a challenge for me.   

In regards to the original post from changingtimes, I realized the dynamics were bringing out something in me I had never fully resolved. My responses/reactions were not really about the rage or provocations from my ex, but rather how I had learned to respond to such behaviors and environments which were less than healthy. I perpetuated the grief in many ways which I "thought" would help or solve or... .   all false thinking based in my lack of self confidence and boundaries. So, yes. It seemed like I was taking in his poor choices, but in reality it was me, participating in a dance from long ago which I had never resolved with my sister.

I was never, as an adult, challenged in the way I have been with my exBPD, except with my sister. It has given me the opportunity to understand so much more about myself and my FOO. 

Recognizing our own behaviors, when they are less than what we wish for ourselves, and making the steps to change or improve ourselves in order to reach our personal goals for balance in our lives, AND LETTING GO OF THE OUTCOME, is about all we have control over. Not easy by any means, but thoroughly worth the effort.