I've been an idiot and need to process this

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel very sad today.

I foolishly stepped over the line with a very old married friend who I've known for decades and who has offered me immense support in bad times.

We ended up getting 'physical'. Which we never have before. And I feel bad about myself.

Partly for having broken my values - as it's against my view of what's right to have sex with someone who's married. I haven't done that before. And also because I really love this friend - and if circumstances were different - it would be great if we could be together. So I have a sense of loss too. And I worry that we might have damaged our friendship - which has been so valuable to me for a long time.

He's doing his best to make me feel better about this and to reassure me. And is himself one of those people who can 'compartmentalise' their lives - so does not see this as being a problem for him. Though he has not - I believe - ever been unfaithful to his wife before. His marriage has - apparently - not involved sex for some years. He would never dream of leaving his family and I would never dream of suggesting it as I believe he is - in most ways - immensely happy with them.

I've explained why this feels awful - but in some ways I can't quite understand why it should feel QUITE this bad.

Ideas are welcome.

WWT.

[Whatwasthat]

I feel very sad today.

I foolishly stepped over the line with a very old married friend who I've known for decades and who has offered me immense support in bad times.

We ended up getting 'physical'. Which we never have before. And I feel bad about myself.

Partly for having broken my values - as it's against my view of what's right to have sex with someone who's married. I haven't done that before. And also because I really love this friend - and if circumstances were different - it would be great if we could be together. So I have a sense of loss too. And I worry that we might have damaged our friendship - which has been so valuable to me for a long time.

He's doing his best to make me feel better about this and to reassure me. And is himself one of those people who can 'compartmentalise' their lives - so does not see this as being a problem for him. Though he has not - I believe - ever been unfaithful to his wife before. His marriage has - apparently - not involved sex for some years. He would never dream of leaving his family and I would never dream of suggesting it as I believe he is - in most ways - immensely happy with them.

I've explained why this feels awful - but in some ways I can't quite understand why it should feel QUITE this bad.

Ideas are welcome.

WWT.

[Surnia]

I feel with you, whatwasthat!

Yes, it happens sometimes that we overstep our values and this feels bad. On the other hand: we are not saints. Overstepping once the own values must not be the end of them however.

Which count in my eyes is: What you can make with it in the future? It can tell you something about your rs with this friend. It can you tell something about your own longing for intimacy.

I truly believe it is not just your weakness or doing something wrong. Things like this when they occur can tell us something.

I hope this makes some sense for you. 

[seeking balance]

Partly for having broken my values - as it's against my view of what's right to have sex with someone who's married.

This is a very large part - when we go against our core values of our self, it hurts - and is scares us.  I suggest you look at why you did it - deeper than "it just happened". 

Were you lonely?

Are you secretly in love with him?

He's doing his best to make me feel better about this and to reassure me. And is himself one of those people who can 'compartmentalise' their lives - so does not see this as being a problem for him. Though he has not - I believe - ever been unfaithful to his wife before. His marriage has - apparently - not involved sex for some years. He would never dream of leaving his family and I would never dream of suggesting it as I believe he is - in most ways - immensely happy with them.

How he handles this is not tied to your emotional state, honestly.  He should feel guilt unless his wife has given him permission for this sort of open marriage.  We all make mistakes, how we handle them determines our character.

I've explained why this feels awful - but in some ways I can't quite understand why it should feel QUITE this bad.

I think it is supposed to feel bad - I mean, if you put your feet in his wife's shoes about now, you should feel bad.

You are not a bad person, but you have done something you have strong values about... .   how you handle this situation now is really the key.  This friendship is changed - are you going to allow this path to continue or are you going to set up firm boundaries around this happening again.  Either way, up to you - just know that either path will have pain - one of grief the other of shame... .  

How can you start to forgive yourself?

[marbleloser]

"but in some ways I can't quite understand why it should feel QUITE this bad"

It's because you allowed your boundary to be crossed.I did the same and it was for selfish reasons.You have a conscience,and it's that that is making you feel THAT bad.

A conscience is a good thing. Listen to it.

[Somewhere]

He's doing his best to make me feel better about this and to reassure me. And is himself one of those people who can 'compartmentalise' their lives - so does not see this as being a problem for him.

Just an observation.  He may be gaming you.

Though he has not - I believe - ever been unfaithful to his wife before. His marriage has - apparently - not involved sex for some years. He would never dream of leaving his family and I would never dream of suggesting it as I believe he is - in most ways - immensely happy with them.

Oh yeah.  He is gaming you.

I've explained why this feels awful - but in some ways I can't quite understand why it should feel QUITE this bad.

that is what being used feels like.

[Whatwasthat]

It feels so very grounding to have everyone's perspective on this. Thank you so much.

Surnia. Yes. You're right. I have a tendency to be quite harsh with myself. I know I've made a mistake here. But the point is to learn from it. Not beat myself up endlessly.

I know already that I'm very much wanting to find an intimate relationship - and feel unconfident in going out to find that because of ongoing health issues. That's one of the reasons why this happened. As to what the whole thing can tell me about my friendship. Well - I've seen that my friend wants to do all he can to make me feel better about this and feels guilty that I feel hurt by this experience (though I explained that I am responsible for my own actions so that isn't really the main point). He understands absolutely when I say I want to make sure this doesn't happen again. That's a good start - but I think only time will tell if we can carry on having any kind of meaningful friendship now.

Seeking Balance. Yes. The breaking of values SHOULD hurt. That's true. And that accounts for a lot of the pain. But as you suggest this didn't 'just happen'. I've been greatly supported by this friend at many times in my life and see him as safe and nurturing. He is attractive to me - but more in a 'love as a friend' than an 'in love' kind of way - and I know that he finds  me attractive and values me greatly - so - feeling lonely and vulnerable at this point in my life I think it felt like an affirming and comforting thing to do. Though clearly not in retrospect! And now I'm left wondering how much he really values me ... .  

My sense is that  I need to forgive myself for having risked my own emotional well being by stepping over a boundary.

One thing that contributes to my unease is the fact that my friend - who I have always perceived as very caring - does not appear to feel guilty about how this might make his wife feel (I have only met her on two or three occasions - and not for many years - but I still feel guilty about her). On some level I feel I like him a little less for not seeming to see it from that perspective. And perhaps it scares me - this ability to 'compartmentalise' life - and has made me wonder how well I really know this person who has seemed like such a reliable 'pillar' in my life for so long.

Thanks Marbleloser. Yes. I did this for selfish reasons too when it comes down to it - to feel comforted by the attention really. And thanks for saying - in effect - that 'feeling bad' is a 'good thing'. Yes - you're right - it is.

Hi Somewhere. You know you've hit on something here. I don't think he's 'gaming' me actually - if you met the guy you wouldn't either. He's not really the type. And I do - on some levels - know him very well. But actually - nonetheless - I DO feel used - you're quite right in that. But only in so far as I used him too. In my case it was because I wanted comfort and affirmation and a fantasy that he and I might be 'right' for each other at some stage in our lives (even though I knew really that would never be on the cards) - and in his case he's lacking in self esteem in several areas of his life and so found the whole thing to be a big ego boost.

A lot of this is about the overall vulnerable state of my life at the moment - caused by health stuff - and the fact that I am VERY VERY bored of having to be careful, and not overdo it and live in a rather limited way. This means that I'm very tempted by things that ARE within my reach that offer newness and a sense of life and action. But clearly I have to be a bit more discerning about which ones I go for. On the up side I think it also might be a sign that I have a little more energy these days.

[marbleloser]

One thing you'll learn from this is how easy these things can happen.It doesn't mean you're a bad person.You'll find yourself less judgemental of people too.I am my worst judge and the guilt was unbearable.I turned it over to God and realized that even those among his most chosen,had their own human flaws.(If you're a spiritual person,that might help)

[Grey Kitty]

We ended up getting 'physical'. Which we never have before. And I feel bad about myself.

"We" involves two of you. Your description is passive... .   not "I seduced him" or "He seduced me" Not that I think it matters much who initiated what... .   you both participated willingly. It sounds like you both just got caught up... .   and now at least you have regrets over it. (I know the feeling... .   I've got caught up in something and later realized how bad an idea it was!)

Partly for having broken my values - as it's against my view of what's right to have sex with someone who's married.

One thing that contributes to my unease is the fact that my friend - who I have always perceived as very caring - does not appear to feel guilty about how this might make his wife feel

I gotta say... .   something does seem "off" here:

• He broke his own vow to his wife.



• You went against your own moral code, but didn't violate a specific promise you personally had made.

And you are the one experiencing remorse over it. Of course, you aren't in his head, knowing what he is really feeling... .   so you don't know what remorse he is actually experiencing, just what he tells you about or shows you. Still, this doesn't really speak well of him.

This on the other hand... .    

His marriage has - apparently - not involved sex for some years.

Given that he has let you know he finds you attractive... .   I'm NOT impressed with him for telling you this... .   whether he said it before or after, it looks bad either way.

[Whatwasthat]

Thanks Marbleloser. The thing is that if a friend were to tell me this story I'd be much more understanding about it than I am with myself!

I'd say - 'You know that's completely understandable why that happened - given the fact that you've known this friend for so long and he's so keen to be supportive and that you're in a vulnerable place right now - and I really understand why it makes you feel bad - but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. What it does show though is that your wariness over the years about NOT getting too close to him - given how warmly he's behaved towards you at times - was exactly right - you had good instincts about that. So you can  return to that position now. Neither you nor he are bad people. And he clearly does care for you. But there are major limits about what he can offer - clearly because he is married but also actually even if he wasn't it would be problematic because he's quite a closed off person in many ways and a bit 'up tight'.  And that's probably why he's been drawn to you - because he's not very good at opening up to people in general - and he was able to do that with you .'

Grey Kitty. Thanks so much for the comments. I don't think it was either persons 'fault'. It was a mutual act really that wasn't planned in any way but which could have been predicted and prevented by me - if I'd been a bit more on my guard.

I don't perceive my friend as being a 'bad' person - he has always behaved in a sensitive and caring way in the past - and I am very fond of him. But I am certainly disturbed by this 'compartmentalising' thing. As you say I can't really know what he's feeling. But he does seem to be able to put aspects of his life - his feelings for me in particular - into boxes and to never worry that they might contradict other aspects of his life. He would call himself a pragmatist  I think. But I find this worrying. I sense a kind of coldness there. He's a friendly guy - but also reserved and rather a closed off person on many levels. I think he had to learn to be self protective from an early age. I now start to see that this could make him prone to making some quite strange decisions about what is and what is not emotionally appropriate.

I knew about the lack of physical contact in his marriage from a comment he made some time ago - so in a way I can't connect it too much to recent events.

We've known each other a very long time - and I made a decision many years ago not to be his gf - when he was clearly wanting that when we were both very young. Sometimes I've wondered if that was a bad call  - given how kind and caring a person he is. But perhaps this experience - rather than making me feel bad about what I might have missed - can help me see that that was in fact  the right decision.

Does anyone have experience/thoughts about this 'compartmentalising' thing? I have an idea - while not wanting to insult the very many warm and emotionally intelligent men on this board - that it might be rather a 'male' quality. I seem to notice that in general fewer women would do this than men.

Thanks for helping me find a way through this.

WWT. 

[marbleloser]

I think what you mean by "comparmentalizing" is "he can have his cake and eat it too".I was the same way.Wife at home and gf on the side,keeping both RS's seperate.(Lord that sounds so awful now   )

At the time,it seemed ok.I was unhappy and unfullfilled in the marriage.The W didn't even notice.We hadn't slept in the same bed for over 5 years.After telling her,she said she thought everything was just fine with us.Umm... .   no!

If he has any conscience at all,it'll bother him.If he's more healthy than I was at the time,he won't pursue it any further and might take time to reflect on himself and his wife.

I understand that feeling for both of you though.It's a tough spot to be in,but right now,you're in control of what you can  do about it.I let it get too far and it hurt alot of people on both sides.

[Whatwasthat]

Thanks Marbleloser. Yes you're right. It is about 'Having his cake and eating it.' And I have a feeling that's why I feel a little 'used' - though I have completely equal responsibility for us getting involved in this way.

It makes it feel unequal. It's as if he's looking for that extra little something to balance out his very comfortable and protected life while I am more vulnerable than that right now.

But you're right too to say that I now have the power to make sure that this goes no further and hurts no-one. Though - unless I'm very much mistaken - I'm the only one who's felt bad so far.

[marbleloser]

You may be the only one feeling bad at the moment,but if it goes further,and other people in his family and yours find out,there will be alot of hurt.Trust me.You'll feel even worse and have much more guilt to deal with.

You'll do just fine.You're alot smarter than I was at that time.

[seeking balance]

Thanks Marbleloser. Yes you're right. It is about 'Having his cake and eating it.' And I have a feeling that's why I feel a little 'used' - though I have completely equal responsibility for us getting involved in this way.

It makes it feel unequal. It's as if he's looking for that extra little something to balance out his very comfortable and protected life while I am more vulnerable than that right now.

But you're right too to say that I now have the power to make sure that this goes no further and hurts no-one. Though - unless I'm very much mistaken - I'm the only one who's felt bad so far.

Why does it matter to you if you are the only one to feel bad so far?

What about him not feeling the same as you has you vulnerable?

I ask both of these questions to be sure you are clear regarding your own emotions towards him.  You say he is not someone you would fall in love with, you were lonely - is there more there emotionally now?

[Whatwasthat]

Thanks SB.

I don't want anyone else to feel bad - just because I feel bad. But I am conscious that I am the sort of person who always doesn't want anyone else to feel bad - and I've often done things that aren't in my own best interests to protect others - and realised afterwards that that was damaging to me. This situation doesn't fit that model. But me feeling bad about this - and seeing everyone else in the situation not doing so (apparently) - does remind me to look out for my own interests and to make sure I keep those uppermost - because it's not something I do automatically.

As to the vulnerability thing. I wasn't clear enough. I'm vulnerable in life at the moment for reasons other than this incident - primarily my health and work situation. I'm simply reflecting on the fact that my friend has many positives in his life that he actively enjoys - and his involvement with me is a very secondary thing in the pattern of things that support his health and happiness - whereas for me the whole situation looms larger in my life - simply from lack of much else to compete with it.

As I say it has been in my mind at a couple of points in my life that this man could be a potential partner. But really his strongest role over the years has been as a friend who is kind and supportive to me.