it's not just the lack of closure - it's the lack of a chance to heal

[clairedair]

Part of my struggle just now is not just that the relationship ended so confusingly - it's that by the time I realised it was over (again) and felt able to try to talk or even spend time on my own working through stuff, he was engaged to someone else.

We recycled several times and this was the pattern - I needed space and time to heal from the hurt and he'd drop a bombshell that I'd have to deal with on my own (on top of the breakup).

Just feel that I've not been able to get to a point where I had built up enough resilience to not then be vulnerable to him wanting to reconcile.  I find it difficult not to be thinking about him because there's always a new crisis or announcement or major change.  We have children together so I can't be NC.

[causticdork]

 

I'm so sorry.  I wish I had any sort of decent advice for you.  I'm sure someone on the boards who has dealt with a BPDex that they had children with will have some awesome insight, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you and that must be incredibly painful. 

[clairedair]

thanks causticdork

am not feeling too torn apart though it is very painful - more exhausted than anything and I need more energy to be able to focus on what I need and want (and kids).

It's been years of this... .  

[Clearmind]

Clair, often the recycles tell us something - we choose not to take notice for various reasons.

What did the recycles show you?

[clairedair]

Hi Clearmind

the recycles showed me several things - some positive, others not

The most positive aspect was growth - I was better at expressing needs; expressing my feelings; setting boundaries.  He was more aware of his past behaviour and less likely to get angry with me.  It felt like a very slow process but, for me, the movement was in the right direction overall.  Both being more open with each other meant that the intimacy shared was better than it had been during the more stable years and I really felt that if we could hold on and work through things, we had an exciting future ahead.

However, no matter how much we talked in the beginning about what would happen if he started to feel 'panicky' or withdraw, he was never able to stay in the end.  I became more able to accept and not to panic myself and try to reason/defend etc but it didn't make a difference overall.

I do wonder if I would have recycled more than once had I been a girlfriend and not his wife of 20+ years.  If I'd been a gf, would I have decided much earlier to walk away?  Having been together for so long (most of it good before thing got really crazy about 8 years ago), having children together (so NC not an option), having hurt him badly in past (when I didn't realise what was going on with him), I felt the pull towards trying to stay with it all was stronger than the pull away towards a life where we were completely separate. 

Not having a chance to heal to any great extent before the dawn of the next recycle was also a major factor - was still vulnerable.

Whilst his impending marriage is really difficult for me to deal with, it's a relief because (a) I will have space to heal as he'll have new wife to concentrate on (b) he won't be back (c) it's helped me realise that I wasn't the person he really wanted to be with but couldn't - in the end, I was another 'distraction' from his dis-ease. 

That was what I had chosen not to notice in more recent recycles - that I had moved from being his most significant relationship to being an option.

[marbleloser]

I was married 20 years also.It's taking some time to get used to NOT being married.

In the end,it didn't matter what I did.Nothing was going to help the marriage and she got more demanding,so I started using my boundaries.Things got worse.

It was probably similar for you as well.And,having kids together definately makes things harder.We still have to communicate about the kids,but I try to keep it short and to the point.

[changingme]

Hi Clairdair

I think you will heal but just at a slower pace because of the long history and having kids together.  At least that is what I have been experiencing for myself.  I have the long history too and we have a child together. I see my ex all the time.  I actually just got back spending the entire day with them for a fundraiser for my daughter. I have recycled countless times and each time I got stronger, smarter, more understanding, less angry, more letting go and finding myself. In a way that is the healing, but like I said just at a very slow process.  I always feel sad when I see him especially when we have awesome days like this with family and friends but I do find myself contemplating with the idea of just wanting him to be happy? Its a crazy concept bc for so long I didn't feel he deserved those good wishes from me, but the more I learn about BPD the more I understand I was angry for things he can't even begin to understand about himself. I think this peace is coming from the long healing process... .   so what I am saying is that you will heal and it is okay if you can't do it overnight. 

[clairedair]

In the end,it didn't matter what I did.Nothing was going to help the marriage and she got more demanding,so I started using my boundaries.Things got worse.

Hi marbleloser - one of the many things I find confusing is that exH was the one that pushed for me to be open about feelings; state my needs; see a T etc and yet could not handle me expressing my feelings/needs more clearly.  And I too started to realise that no matter what I did, he was going to eventually run away again.

Hi Clairdair

I think you will heal but just at a slower pace because of the long history and having kids together.

HI changingtimes - I had to see him yesterday when picking up kids.  I had been OK but after seeing him (and working out he was probably in the vicinity to drop off invitations to his wedding to his relatives who live nearby), I had a sleepless night.  I think part of what upset me was that at one point we were both standing in the same room whilst kids got their stuff and I was about 6 feet away from him and neither of us could speak for a while.  Used to being able to talk a lot and joke even during the times we've been separated but I keep looking at him as if I am looking for the man I loved and he's not there any more.  It kinda creeped me out.  So weird.  And sad.

Its a crazy concept bc for so long I didn't feel he deserved those good wishes from me, but the more I learn about BPD the more I understand I was angry for things he can't even begin to understand about himself.

During previous separations, I've more quickly got to the point where I had compassion and was more understanding about his hurtful behaviour because I do think he is deeply wounded but he left the last time without really telling me - lot of mixed messages - and I felt so disrespected that I haven't been able to forgive him yet.  Not like me.  Part of me does hope that this new marriage brings him peace and that he finally finds the intimacy he keeps telling me he's missing because then kids and I will be dealing with someone settled.

I have a new job starting a month after his wedding so I'm looking towards that as a first step to healing.  I've talked to myself and told myself not to expect too much - that just because he seems to have found happiness weeks after leaving doesn't mean that I'm somehow lacking because I'm still struggling and crying.  I've told myself that it will take a year to feel any where near happy but that in that time I will experience real moments of happiness and that I should hang on to that and know that I am capable of living joyously.

Plus I'm going to swap the eco-friendly car that he wanted to buy for a sports car!

[changingme]

 :'( clairedair I really feel your pain here.  I too have been in the same room or at a function with him and we don't even acknowledge each other, not even a hello or eye contact.  I would stand there with so much tension and pain and sadness, horrible feelings.  It was exhausting in every possible way.  That was when things were at the complete worst and that is when I felt my complete worst.  To be honest here, even after that we recycled (again) and it started to help me.  Once we came from the worst and I fixed what I thought was broken (before I even knew about BPD), I started to see clearly the cycles. That's when I clearly new this was all bigger than me and clearly wrong.

I also still look at him and think he is the guy I love & sometimes I forget he has this whole double life.  That is the nature of BPD I have learned.  It is so hard, you want them to move on so you can have the peace because he is settled, but at the same time him moving on just eats you up inside.  What used to eat me up the most was knowing other people are happy for him and his new relationship, that people supported it & that is because I was painted as the bad guy, or that we just "didn't work" like it was a normal relationship.  Like I mentioned though, I feel (right now anyways) less angry, letting that part go and jumping on the bandwagon of just wanting him to be happy and at peace. 

Is there something you can do before the wedding and new job come that can be your first step to healing? Is there something you have wanted to do but couldn't out of fear of this relationship?

I just recently made a mends with an old friend.  Our friendship got torn up because of my ex and my poor handling of the situation.  Being in the relationship with my ex I would have never opened that door with my old friend, it would have stirred up too much drama, however, I used that opportunity to make the mends as a solid first step.  Something I know if my ex were to try to come back he wouldn't be happy about if he knew what I did.  Just a thought. 

[Clearmind]

Recycles are often a sign that something is amiss. Often we feel far better off getting back together rather than concentrating on what needs fixing. We need them and vice versa.

It’s this need, that can cause us to have the blinkers on and not see the relationship issues and incompatibility for what it actually is. We prefer to see the fantasy – its safer than being alone.

Recycling allows brings the idealization phase to the surface – however it quickly diminishes and we go around for the next cycle.

These cycles break down the trust and respect.

These cycles can tell us something very poignant. Its not just the lack of closure - it's the lack of a chance to heal – the relationship was broken clair – we may not want to see it that plainly.

We seek closure from our disordered partners – they cannot provide it because they don’t know – My guess is you have seen plenty over the course of this relationship – interactions with you and others – the data has been collected – the difference is – we hang onto the hope of it working it out so much differently.

This is not your fault! Are you hanging onto hope? Are you hanging onto self-blame?

[clairedair]

:'( clairedair I really feel your pain here.  I too have been in the same room or at a function with him and we don't even acknowledge each other, not even a hello or eye contact.  I would stand there with so much tension and pain and sadness, horrible feelings.  It was exhausting in every possible way. 

It's always helpful to realise that other people have been through same thing.  You're right - it is so exhausting.  We have two big events related to kids coming up over summer and I am hoping that by the time they come around, I'll be in a better place. 

I also still look at him and think he is the guy I love & sometimes I forget he has this whole double life.  That is the nature of BPD I have learned.  It is so hard, you want them to move on so you can have the peace because he is settled, but at the same time him moving on just eats you up inside. 

Again, you've put into words how I feel at times.   Am working on why it eats me up so much when, latterly, our relationship was painful to me because of the confusing and hurtful behaviour.  I think it was the glimpses of an intimate and loving partnership that gave me hope for a future.  But they didn't last so why did I think it was possible for that to be sustained long enough for us to have a future together? 

I feel angry at the moment that others, whilst surprised at how quickly they are getting married, are being given the impression that he has been on his own for a while, divorced for a year, knew her for some time before they 'found' each other when in fact he was with me until just a month or two before starting the relationship with fiancee.  Close friends and family know the truth but I feel sometimes like I'm pretending to others to protect him.

changingtimes - good to hear that you have sought out your old friend. I hope that has added to your life.  I have spent more time with my extended family - something that was difficult when ex was around even though he had been very close to them for most of our marriage.

[clairedair]

Recycles are often a sign that something is amiss. Often we feel far better off getting back together rather than concentrating on what needs fixing. We need them and vice versa.

It’s this need, that can cause us to have the blinkers on and not see the relationship issues and incompatibility for what it actually is. We prefer to see the fantasy – its safer than being alone.

HI Clearmind

Yes - there were definitely times when I realised I'd recycled to feel better in the short-term. And I recycled because I did believe that deep down, he loved me and wanted to be with me but the dis-ease got in the way.  I thought that if I was patient and worked on my own stuff, he would work on his and together we'd get there (he has seen Ts for a while so that gave me a lot of hope too).  I see now that this was fantasy.  Although things improved over time, the cycle was still the same overall. 

I don't think I reconciled because I was scared of being alone.  That's not been a fear because I like my own space and my own company.  My fear was of us never being together again in a healthy relationship - I didn't want to let go of the possibility that our relationship could be what it was when we experienced those times of intimacy.

And you're right that I have struggled to see the relationship as permanently broken.  I wasn't blind to it being broken and unhealthy - just wasn't willing to accept that it couldn't be built back up. 

Am I hanging on to hope?  I don't think so.  I think my hopes for the relationship died when he apologised (by e-mail) for the harm he'd caused while still managing to 'remind' me of my flaws and then went on to harm me by doing exactly what he'd just apologised for.  Even during terrible time I was able to envisage a future for us but I haven't been able to do that since he left without even telling me he'd left and the kids and I had to work it out for ourselves. 

I am finally using the 'data collected' - and it doesn't compute!