Overwhelmed

[mama m]

-I married into a family centered around a uBPD mom.

(I only guess at the BPD. They fit most of the characteristics and since I'm a usual target - I get to see their 'special' side more often then others)

-This family is large. 7 kids. 20 Aunts and Uncles... .   50 cousins. Close as I have seen a family be.

-The way the (parents and adult kids) wish to have a conversation to "make progress to a better relationship with me" is always an emotional dramatic event. If I say anything calmly without dramatics, it appears they don't hear me.

-Yesterday my BIL married a girl who is also uBPD (?) She had done a long list of passive aggressive actions that were incredibly hurtful towards my family. No one in the family wants to discuss her actions. My husband wrote his brother trying to find the reason behind or seek understanding about why this was happening. His brother wrote back a letter (which like my conversations with her) that was a condescending "I don't know what your talking about"... .   "your being dramatic about nothing" "I/she did nothing wrong"

I keep on being told I need to forgive and "let go" by all the extended family members. How can I let go or forgive that which was not apologize for or admitted?

How can I avoid any further discussions with my husband's family that are highly emotional charged?

We have decided that for a small time we need some space. To regain strength a family. They will take this as complete rejection... . Any tips on how to handle the blow back from them?

I feel like a horrible/guilty person when with them... . and mean/guilty if I choose not to be. And I can't even pinpoint what I id wrong. Has anyone else felt this?

Thank you

[sad but wiser]

Hi mamamonster,

   You are not alone.  Many people are struggling with these difficult relationships.  The behavior you describe sounds awful.  If you feel confused about what you may have done wrong, join the crowd.  There are some really great articles here to help you get a handle on the behavior, understand what is happening and deal with your own self, since you cannot control anyone but you.  There are great tips on how to defuse situations and how to word statements very neutrally so that people with BPD get less upset. (It is amazing how well it works, really!)  Your husband sounds like a good guy, because it is difficult to see clearly enough to go against your whole family, even to protect your marriage, when you've grown up in this type of chaos.  I'm glad you posted here.  Read on!  Remember: You don't get mad at a cat for being a cat.

[Clearmind]

How can I let go or forgive that which was not apologize for or admitted?

By letting go of the need to be right! We don’t need for it to be right for it to be true.

BIL needs to handle this on his own. It is likely he is enmeshed and can no longer see or cares to admit his wife has issues.

How can I avoid any further discussions with my husband's family that are highly emotional charged?

Setting boundaries, not engaging in discussions that have the potential to become emotionally charged.

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

Reacting vs. responding--what's the difference?

We have decided that for a small time we need some space. To regain strength a family. They will take this as complete rejection... .

Sounds like a good idea.

Any tips on how to handle the blow back from them?

Again setting boundaries.

Work on not reacting.

I feel like a horrible/guilty person when with them... . and mean/guilty if I choose not to be. And I can't even pinpoint what I id wrong. Has anyone else felt this?

We often feel guilty for putting ourselves first. Any ideas why this maybe the case?

hit

Bunch of Lessons at the top of this board – take a look.