Help I don't want to give up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Please help!  I really need to hear experiences of those who have felt similar. Everything in my being tells me to text my ex we broke up 2 months ago, I had a very had accident, near death experience and she was who I instantly thought off. I'm a fighter, I don't give up on things and certainly not relationships. But she says move on, she can't go back, she doesn't want to be hurt( I did say some things but in retaliation) I now know she has BPD and believe I could live with it, it's not the most extreme. Can I win her back? Should I listen to my heart and fight for her? Tell her how I feel, try and reassure her? My therapist says no contact and she may come back to me- but it feels wrong , I miss her so badly and love her so much, and she says she loves me too I've told her - tell me you don't love me and I'll leave you alone(cliche I know) but she won't/can't does that mean I should continue fighting for her? . But what if while apart she meets someone, probably another idiot. Although she is adamant she will never love again, is that a common statement? No one other than my therapist understands and I feel so alone and misunderstood.

[Scott72]

Please help!  I really need to hear experiences of those who have felt similar. Everything in my being tells me to text my ex we broke up 2 months ago, I had a very had accident, near death experience and she was who I instantly thought off. I'm a fighter, I don't give up on things and certainly not relationships. But she says move on, she can't go back, she doesn't want to be hurt( I did say some things but in retaliation) I now know she has BPD and believe I could live with it, it's not the most extreme. Can I win her back? Should I listen to my heart and fight for her? Tell her how I feel, try and reassure her? My therapist says no contact and she may come back to me- but it feels wrong , I miss her so badly and love her so much, and she says she loves me too I've told her - tell me you don't love me and I'll leave you alone(cliche I know) but she won't/can't does that mean I should continue fighting for her? . But what if while apart she meets someone, probably another idiot. Although she is adamant she will never love again, is that a common statement? No one other than my therapist understands and I feel so alone and misunderstood.

[Shadowlands]

Hey Scott,

I know exactly how you are feeling. You are not in love, you are addicted to the highs and lows of a BPD relationship and you are desperately craving the idealisation that is no longer there as opposed to the healthy love and support of a partner that gives you respect.

I have just posted my final update to my story over the last year and you have very tough times ahead, but use this board as your support and you will start to heal. It will take as long as it takes.

There will be setbacks, you will probably text her even if I say you shouldn't and maybe meet up again with her, but you are certainly in the beginnings of the break up of a dysfunctional relationship, so read, read and read again as many articles as you can and know that we are here to support you.

Stay strong.

[Shadowlands]

P.S Scott, take yourself back a step and start posting on the 'undecided' board. From your last post, whilst your head is technically leaving and starting to detach from this relationship I can tell that in your heart you are still undecided.

A few horror stories about people that in retrospect made the wrong choice to stay should help your heart and mind to align... .  

Shadowlands.

[Scott72]

Thanks for taking the time to reply shadowlands I really appreciate it

[changingme]

Scott,

She says she loves you but she doesn't want to be hurt so she pushed you away.  This is BPD and if you believe you can live with it, ask yourself: do you think you are living right now in this moment? You maybe able to win her back momentarily but then where did all those feelings she had right now go for her? For you (being a fighter, not giving up easily) getting her back you will feel content, you fixed the problem, you got her back, you fixed your heart, but you won't be able to fix her BPD.  The turmoil she has inside won't be fixed by your love.  Being a fighter is a trait I believe us nons have, that is how we ended up in these recycling situations over and over. 

I tried to fix everything and fight for the love and every time I tried something new and different almost perfecting myself, but nothing was perfect enough because I couldn't beat the BPD.  Sometimes the more I tried to fix and fight the more I made everything for the both of us worse. You need to fight for you!

The feelings of being alone and misunderstood is completely normal because these situations are confusing, but you are in the right place. 

Keep reading, everyone here understands exactly what you mean and feel.   

Feel better 

[whatarideout]

I'm a fighter, I don't give up on things and certainly not relationships.

you're focusing on the wrong relationship.

the one you want to "fight" for and never give up on is the one you have with yourself. that is a contract you never break.

the moment we allow ourselves to be involved with someone who is a threat to our mental or physical state, we've turned our back on ourselves. two of the main reasons we are on this planet is to survive and replicate. anything that goes against or stands in the way of either is something to avoid, never align with.

a person who suffers with BPD is a prime example of a threat to our survival (mental, emotional, physical,ect). in no way will a borderline ever help in the process of you getting to where you want to go.

if you find yourself missing the experience with a BPD, it's nothing to do with the other person. they've simply re-stimulated issues inside yourself from the past that are now on the surface once again. we think that once the person comes back, the issues will fade. this is as far from the truth as you can get. having this mind set will keep you chasing this perceived solution for ever.

how are you ever going to fix an inside job by looking for the answer outside? impossible.

if you want to fight for someone, go look in the mirror.

[momtara]

Well, I think if you don't try, you may wonder forever... .   but it all depends on how much she has hurt you and how cruel she is.  I'm a romantic at heart and sometimes I think it's worth it for people to get closure or at least to try one more time.  It depends what you have to lose.

[Scott72]

Momtara - I just feel there is one last chapter- perhaps a long one or maybe just closure- but your right I need to know. The comments of the others have huge merit too though.

Well, I think if you don't try, you may wonder forever... .   but it all depends on how much she has hurt you and how cruel she is.  I'm a romantic at heart and sometimes I think it's worth it for people to get closure or at least to try one more time.  It depends what you have to lose.

[sueyo]

Hey, I just joined today.

I know how you feel. my BPD just left me abruptly, blamming me for the reason they needed to leave. Essentially painted me as this aweful lying, controlling, entitled person, after just a week prior making plans to move in together. Crazy making, confusing and on and off love-hate no rhyme or reason.

I am struggling to letting go. Its messed up and not a happy situation to be with them, but yet I am missing them so much. I feel so dysfunctional that I would settle for this kind of love.

Someone replied:

"I know exactly how you are feeling. You are not in love, you are addicted to the highs and lows of a BPD relationship and you are desperately craving the idealisation that is no longer there as opposed to the healthy love and support of a partner that gives you respect."

This is one of my first light bulb moments. I dont like it, but I'm going to chew on it a bit and self examine myself. I'm so lost in my own life and had such a lonely abusive childhood that my ex's idealization was like nothing I have ever had. I cant decide if I the great highs from her idealiation of me if worth the great lows I get being held responsible for our problems and devalued when I ask for attention and tenderness.

[Clearmind]

Scott72, no doubt you love her. Is love enough? Can love alone fix a very broken relationship?

[Scott72]

Clear mind what a great succinct reply- thank you!, in this instance I believe love would go a long way. She has BPD, however not quite as extreme as the majority on here, and I think we hit a 'perfect storm' of problems and that exacerbated her BPD, I don't think it would be like that again, although I'm under no illusions that issues would be a regular occurrence, but something as simple as me understanding the silent treatment - well I believe the trade off would be worth it. I was married to someone I didn't love for 19 years, someone who fantastic towards me, yet I'd rather be with my ex BPD

Scott72, no doubt you love her. Is love enough? Can love alone fix a very broken relationship?

[hellnback]

 Hey Scott72, I did what you are probablly going to do. I faught for 6 years for my ex. The  funny thing is, I always seem to be fighting myself. She's going to do what she wants to do no matter how hard you fight. Try if you must. I definetly understand that feeling of not giving up. The one thing I can honestly say is that I tried everything in my power to bring her back. I faught like hell for her and our family and I am very proud of myself for doing so. Ultimately, nothing I did mattered.

 It's ok to love her. I faught that feeling for many years. I finally stopped fighting it and I just accepted that I love her but she doesn"t want my love. No matter, I'm going to love her anyway because it's what feels right for me.

 Your T was right about No Contact. It does really help you. It helps clear the head and allows you to see things a bit differently. Do whatever you have to do. Just remember to look after yourself first.

[Clearmind]

Scott, Borderlines react to triggers and often close relationships are a trigger.

Are you guys openly talking about reconciliation? Certainly there are tools available to you to help with communication if you wish to reconcile.

I was married to someone I didn't love for 19 years, someone who fantastic towards me, yet I'd rather be with my ex BPD

I have been in many loveless relationships! I stayed in them because I felt I was filling my own void of not feeling “good enough” – carry over from childhood.

However, when I met my ex – I felt loved like no other – since separating almost 2 years ago my view of love is very different these days. It also involves mutual love and respect and admiration for another person – without the need to change them or them to change you.

What is the trade off for you?

[Scott72]

Clearmind any tips on communicatin re: reconciliation would be great. Trade off? Well

The odd nasty comment( designed to belittled into thinking I couldn't have anyone else) knowing her reasons- I can live with that - and understanding why you does silent treatment too

[Clearmind]

Sure! Here are the main ones however there are a bunch of Lessons at the top of this board (Undecided Board  )

Silent treatment is her shutting down emotionally. Little you can do whilst she is silent.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

Stop accusations and blaming

Workshop - US: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

Communication is only part of it Scott. We need to be mindful of our own triggers and how we may inflame situations by reacting rather than responding

[Scott72]

Thanks clear mind


Communication is only part of it Scott. We need to be mindful of our own triggers and how we may inflame situations by reacting rather than responding

That's the reason I don't want to give up , I think now I understand more I will respond

And validate etc rather than reacting

[benny2]

Scott, I also thought there was one more chapter, and a closing chapter, only to find out there are endless chapters. I have been going through this for 17 years, the last 2 years steady. It is a constant cycle that keeps repeating itself and ending up in the same place. Your love for her won't work. That is what they fear most and run from. Its a no win situation. I would suggest ending it before you get stuck. The longer you allow her to recycle you, the harder it is to break away.

[Scott72]

Thanks for replying benny2 I appreciate your thoughts and experience tbh it's out of my hands anyway- she doesnt want it,

[byasliver]

Scott, I know that right now, w/o her you are probably focusing on the positive aspects about her that you enjoyed and now miss. It's easy to forget the negative when it isn't there daily to remind you. I don't say any of this to discourage you. Just to make you think. I love my uBPDh so much but the day-to-day is extremely difficult. I honestly think that without the extreme level of commitment I feel about this marriage I doubt I'd still be in it. Yes, I love him but the long stretches when that isn't returned or, worse, I'm painted black make this so hard. There are no really great days to cling to. I only have the memories of what once was, my commitment, and a hope that he will improve. But those days when he made his love for me so clear are gone forever. I've accepted that. If we split, I think it would be over completely. I could handle a mutually agreed upon therapeutic separation but if he left saying it was over completely, then I would have to find closure and not look back. I know what betrayals he has been capable of WITH me and those were hard enough to forgive. If he left, I know the kind of life he would live (very sexually promiscuous) and I would have to let go for my own sake.

I'm giving you my perspective as a voice of reason. Think about WHY you split up and how difficult the r/s was at times. Please just think long and hard about your decision. Listen to your gut. Make sure you are making the decision with your eyes wide open.

[benny2]

Oh prepare yourself Scott, theres a good chance she will be back.