BPD parents and major life events

[skelly_bean]

I went to a wedding on the weekend, and I realized halfway through the evening that I was feeling the most intense bitterness during the beautiful reception. I guess what triggered it was the bride and groom's parents standing up and saying how wonderful they thought their children were and how proud they were of them.

I wanted to scream that it isnt fair. I never want to get married because I don't want my mother to be there. Having a wedding excluding her seems so tragic, but I can't imagine inviting her. She hasn't been there for the majority of the major events in my life, and having her at my wedding seems nightmarish.

I don't know. I know I need to just let go and move on, but so much of having a dysfunctional parent is thrown in your face every day.

I felt like I could barely keep a tantrum in. I felt like throwing myself on the floor and screaming and kicking and saying "it's not fair!" over and over and over again.

I guess the only thing to do is count all the ways in which I am lucky and loved (and there are lots). And to let it go.

Does anyone else have any moments like that? I feel like I could use some accompanying rants to help me feel less alone.

[GeekyGirl]

You're right. It isn't fair. None of us deserved to have been raised by parents with BPD. It's normal to be jealous when you do see supportive, loving parents like you did, and I understand where you're coming from when you say that you wanted to scream.

Having been through the whole wedding thing, I can tell you that having my mother around stressed me out during the planning process. She wanted say in every detail, from the dress I wore to what we served at the reception. She was angry at me when I didn't agree with her choices (I refused to wear pantyhose under a hot polyester dress in the summer!  ). I didn't know about BPD then, but now that I look back, all of the signs were there. On our wedding day, though, my mother was the last thing on my mind, quite honestly, and my full attention was on my husband and our guests. In the end, the love I felt from everyone else (my in-laws, friends, and other relatives) on that day and beyond was amazing.

What I'm getting at is that even though I get what you're saying, don't limit yourself because of your mother. Acknowledge the pain you're feeling, but know that there are others out there who love you and will support you. It's ok to have those "why me?" moments and be angry about the parental hand you've been dealt before you let go.

[skelly_bean]

Thanks Geekygirl, I needed to hear that. I know it is silly to be jealous of things you can't have control over, but sometimes it's just so overwhelming.

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Skelly Bean! What your feeling is so normal. Every time i think about how my mother ruined my engagement, wedding planning and wedding day i want to punch her fair and square in her mean fat mouth. My mother is never there, and ruined the whole thing to the best of her ability. Every time i think of it i feel the anger coming up. Thank god i have an amazing husband, in laws and friends! They kept her away during the day and mitigated the damage to the best of their abilities. She didnt come to my engagement party, refused to look at menus, venues and dresses, refused to help and right up until the start of the ceremony insisted she wasnt going.

She haunts me everyday. The bitter old cow doesnt even have any of my wedding photos around. She has them locked in a drawer. I dont think shes ever looked at them. I know for me, starting my own business was the next battle with her. And i know that once I fall pregnant, that will be the next thing to set her off again. Shes already told me repeatedly that i better not be having any thought of having children because she "doesnt want to be a grandmother"

You are not alone, I feel i am a hair away from a tantrum everyday! I see the beautiful relationships my friends have with their mothers, and people on facebook and boy oh boy does it sting. Im in therapy and working on coming to grips with her BPD but at times I just cant get my head around the fact I will never have a "mother". She cant even bring herself to ask how am i, hows my husband, my business?

The hardest part to it all is trying to accept that its ME who has to change, that all i can work on is myself, my expectations and reactions, and anyone in a similar position must feel too that this seems like the biggest cop out of all. That our BPDs are "off the hook", its us that have to work on it. That despite all the heartache they cause thats its us who has to change, they have no insight and capacity to change.

Hang in there Skelly bean, im told it gets easier!

[XL]

I over-compensate by being too nice to my bride friends. Deep down I'm panicking and wanting to bolt.

"You better never plan on getting married because you're not getting any money out of us" said randomly when I was 20, for no reason. Actually, it was just after a horrible breakup which is a little more offensive, now that I think about it.

Then when I got engaged at 26 my father refused to meet/talk to my fiance, and my mother immediately told me they were a "mistake". Which was humiliating because fiance's parents were super normal and fed me every night and got me all kinds of nice presents. We broke up, and I can definitely say the utter rejection was part of the issue. Not the whole reason things failed, but definitely a part. We were together for 3 years and F. never got a single invite to my parents house, a single present, not one conversation with my father, and we only met my mother twice for lunch. I was so angry.

Current partner couldn't care less, and it's not legally responsible right now. We have a low key buddy thing that's been going on for 5 years and don't want to rock the boat.  I am a little more concerned about siblings who keep dating/sabotaging people who do value marriage and babies.

[XL]

You know, this is awful; during all of that (stonewalling every guy I dated) both of parents cheerfully interacted with siblings' partners and showered them with presents. For some reason I was being alienated for having a sex life. I was not ok with this, and didn't even introduce them to half the guys I dated.

She also went on a campaign to get everyone to think my first bf was beating me. And then she kept making grossly inappropriate comments about how attractive 2nd bf was.   

I don't culturally understand weddings. They confuse me, and the emotions involve confuse me, and I can't imagine that being something other families even talk about.

[skelly_bean]

I see the beautiful relationships my friends have with their mothers, and people on facebook and boy oh boy does it sting. Im in therapy and working on coming to grips with her BPD but at times I just cant get my head around the fact I will never have a "mother". She cant even bring herself to ask how am i, hows my husband, my business?

The hardest part to it all is trying to accept that its ME who has to change, that all i can work on is myself, my expectations and reactions, and anyone in a similar position must feel too that this seems like the biggest cop out of all. That our BPDs are "off the hook", its us that have to work on it. That despite all the heartache they cause thats its us who has to change, they have no insight and capacity to change.

Yes yes and yes! I've been dating the same guy for over two years and my mother never asked his name. She did drugs, drank and ignored me for my childhood until she left me at my father's place for him to raise me - and now I can't pin any of that on her. All that damage is being worked on by ME. Talk about a rip-off. Don't even have a mother AND worse - constantly cleaning up after her emotional messes.

I am looking forward to having an accepting, zen feeling about all this because right now I feel so angry!

I'm so glad I found this website, I'm sorry that other people experience this horribleness - but it's so nice to be able to vent to people who understand ! 

I don't culturally understand weddings. They confuse me, and the emotions involve confuse me, and I can't imagine that being something other families even talk about.

Wow, yeah. I totally connect with this. The last thing I'd want my father to do is "give me away". The man who will not call me 364 days a year (exception for Christmas), is supposed to be "letting me go"? And is my mother supposed to give a speech about me? She doesn't know anything about me!

I would never even dream for asking for money for a wedding - and my parents dont keep in touch with their siblings so it's not like there would even be a lot of family there. It would be my weird mom floating around in some terrible dress that is cut too low, with her sporadically breaking into tears and my dad wanting desperately to leave an event where he has to talk to strangers - scratch that, he would never be caught dead in the same room as my mother.

My mom would also want to bring my stepfather who she dates on and off and who abused me.

Woo! A perfect day! Every bride's dream come true!

I guess the hardest part of all of this is that a lot of girls DREAM of their wedding night, and it would seriously be my worst nightmare.

 

[KEnsign27]

When I read some of these stories I think to myself holy cow did these other people grow up with my mother!

My mother was not that bad for my wedding but when I got pregnant with my twin girls she pretty much made my pregnancy super stressful! First being my mother she was supposed to throw my babyshower and she btched about it the whole time.  My ex inlaws offered to have my shower at their church hall and when I told my mom that we had somewhere to have it she threw a huge fit and told me that the hall was not good enough for my shower and she had a place to have it (she worked for Ford Motor Company and she was going to use their hall).  My shower was going to take place in Novemeber so I knew if she was going to get the hall she needed to get is ASAP due to holiday parties that would be going on a that time but she kept putting it off and of course tried to get it at the last minute and it was booked! As I tried talking to her about where we are going to have it she kept saying why do I have to throw it call your dads girlfriend and have her do it (she is NOT my mother!) then she would talk about how my ex inlaws do nothing for us (at that time my ex-husband and I were living with my inlaws while we were waiting to get into our house) also they had a hall for us that she refused to use! Finally my dad went and got me a hall for the shower so I wouldn't stress out.  The shower went well and it was nice and of course my mom bragged to everyone about how she threw the shower and was the only one who did ANYTHING! Let me not forget that she brought alcohol to my shower and drank like it was supposed to be a big party!

Toward the end of my pregnancy, being pregnant with twins no one really knew when I was going to have them inculding my doctor (my due date was January 15th) my mom was getting really angry at me because being pregnant and not having my babies was interfering with her going on vacation.  In December she wanted to go up north to visit my grandmother and I told her that I would like her to stay to be here just in case I have my girls early, her exact words to me were I can't sit around here waiting for you to have these kids.  She went up north and came back and I was still pregnant, then she had another opportunity to go up north again at the end of December and again I asked her to stay since now I was about 37 weeks pregnant and it could be anyday now and again she said that she needed a vacation and could not wait around for me to give birth and got really angry at me because I hadn't had them yet.  Again she left not caring if I had them or not while she was gone.  She did come back in time for me to have them (I gave birth at just over 38 weeks), but she just caused me so much stress and heartache to know that it was more important for her to go away then it was to be here to support me.  My girls are now 9 and are the light of my life, in the end I learned some vaulables lessons from my mom and how not to treat my girls.

Yes when I see people talk about how great their mom is and how their mother is their bestfriend I want to scream! When I see posts on facebook about mothers I want to go crazy! I feel like it's not fair that this is what I got stuck with, but in the end I have to realize how lucky I am to have the love I have from who is in my life, my dad, children, husband, sister, in laws, even my ex in laws! I'm a lucky woman and I can't forget that.

[thesurvivor]

It's not just you, I'm not a girl, so I don't have alot of wedding feelings, but I hear you all the same.

It was not two hours ago, when I was sitting in my car in a parking lot because I didn't want to go home and didn't know where else to go, before I decided to join this forum, that I was cursing the sky(or whatever) about how unfair my life was and why couldn't I have gotten good parents, and a good mom who didn't abuse me, and it just wasn't fair, all I could have been if I was raised healthy.  All the things I can't do because of issues she gave me.

I hear you, it's not fair.

[KEnsign27]

Survivor, I've said those exact words so many times in my life! You are not alone and its not fair you should've have been raised by healthy parents and had a healthy childhood, we all should have been.  This is a great place to be to realize you are not alone in your battle.  I've decided to not let my past affect my future! I had no choice in how I was raised and how my mother treated me, but I do have a choice on how I am going to be as an adult and what kind of mother I am.  My sister and I went to a therapist and she really helped us to see that it's not our fault and we have the choice on how we let others treat us.  Now I choose not to have any contact with my mother until she gets help (which wont happen), I'm making the choice on what I will and will not tolerate anymore.