How do I deal with 2 loved ones who suffer from BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have my mother who suffers from BPD and who can really work my nerves. My dad recently died from stomach ca. and my moms problems can no longer be buffered by his wonderful accepting and loving personality. I am the daughter who lives the closest, and who therefore is left with much more responsibility than I can handle. Moms disorder on top of everything does not help and i am sick and tired of the day to day drain from being in her company, even just to go food shopping. I pulled away from her aprox. a month ago, and Ive spoken to her on the phone only once since then. I refuse to go to her house or be around her because she accused me of stealing her favorite picture of her brother. why would she think i would steal from her? She will say and do anything to make me feel obligated to her. I'm tired of it.

 Would you believe that my daughter in law who I love like my own belly baby has this disorder as well? She lost her mom when she was 9 yrs old, and her father wasn't really emotionally ready to raise her so he was lacking in his ability to help her cope with her loss. She developed her own way of dealing with things which in my strong opinion has manifested through this BPD. This little family of 4, with 2 yr old and an 8 mos. old live in my house for the past year because they are preparing to sell their condo, which they have out grown to by a house. Of course since they are staying with me I see how in so many ways she is just like my mother... . I have even told her that she behaves just like my mother, always negative and pessimistic. She will never accepts any type of advice, she will even ask me what I think she should do in some cases when she has a decision to make. I have learned to avoid those by telling her that no mater what I say It is still ultimately her decision to make. Between these 2 I really need some sound advice.

[sikntired]

I have my mother who suffers from BPD and who can really work my nerves. My dad recently died from stomach ca. and my moms problems can no longer be buffered by his wonderful accepting and loving personality. I am the daughter who lives the closest, and who therefore is left with much more responsibility than I can handle. Moms disorder on top of everything does not help and i am sick and tired of the day to day drain from being in her company, even just to go food shopping. I pulled away from her aprox. a month ago, and Ive spoken to her on the phone only once since then. I refuse to go to her house or be around her because she accused me of stealing her favorite picture of her brother. why would she think i would steal from her? She will say and do anything to make me feel obligated to her. I'm tired of it.

 Would you believe that my daughter in law who I love like my own belly baby has this disorder as well? She lost her mom when she was 9 yrs old, and her father wasn't really emotionally ready to raise her so he was lacking in his ability to help her cope with her loss. She developed her own way of dealing with things which in my strong opinion has manifested through this BPD. This little family of 4, with 2 yr old and an 8 mos. old live in my house for the past year because they are preparing to sell their condo, which they have out grown to by a house. Of course since they are staying with me I see how in so many ways she is just like my mother... . I have even told her that she behaves just like my mother, always negative and pessimistic. She will never accepts any type of advice, she will even ask me what I think she should do in some cases when she has a decision to make. I have learned to avoid those by telling her that no mater what I say It is still ultimately her decision to make. Between these 2 I really need some sound advice.

[BioAdoptMom3]

  and  !  This is a great place to be, filled with support and encouragement!

If you don't mind my asking, how old is your mom?  She is probably grieving and may also be showing some signs of her age, such as the hormonal changes of menopause, the early stages of dementia, things like that, as well as BPD or another personality disorder or mood disorder (such as depression).  There is so much going on with her and with your DIL and you as the caregiver are under tremendous stress!  It is very difficult to have another adult family living with you 24/7 no matter how much you love them.  I know because my mom lived with us for quite awhile and life was not easy for any of us!     There is another board on here dealing with parents who have BPD as well as one which deals with adult relationships and with children.  I would check out those boards too!

[mamachelle]

Hi sikntired,



You are definitely not alone in dealing with multiple people in a family with BPD and other types of mental illness. Some of the best ways to learn how to cope include learning new communication and coping tools --see links below:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

A great book to get is:

Essential Family Guide

Do you have support from a therapist or friends/family?

Is there a plan for your S and DIL to move out soon?

Looking forward to hearing more.

Yours,

mamachelle

[sikntired]

Hi Thank you for your interest. My mom is 84yrs old, physically healthy thank God except for glaucoma which doesn't interfer with her activities of daily living. She is still pretty independent.  Mom is extremely depressed after 65yrs of marriage. Daddy still called her his "BRIDE". She has lost everyone except for her older sister who is 90, and still with it mentally. They visit from time to time. She tries to be happy during those visits but I think I would rather see her cry to her sister about everything. She cry's by herself at home, breaking her own heart with old love letters,pic's from when Daddy was in the service, Wedding pic's etc.

Early Stg Dementia? yeah probably. Mom is occasionally confused and forgetful, she reads a lot and tries to keep her mind active. She is still driving, but does not drive at night due to the glaucoma.So her sense of direction is intact.

Because of my Grandchildren I overlook a lot of the little things which are not more important than having my family here. My DIL is really tolerable most of the time because I understand her. She lost her Mother at the of 9, and when she has these nerve racking episodes. I am learning how to fuss with her more constructively about things as they disturb me without going overboard... .   and I try to leave her with something to think about... .   "I Think"... .   anyway, I see in her own way that she is trying. She is very sweet and respectful, never nasty or verbally rude so I thing that makes a big difference in my ability to cope with her difficulties. My son agrees with whatever he thinks is right regardless of the situation. He will pick up points with her if he thinks she does not want to here what I am saying etc. We also don't hold tension or grudges after a pow wow. We go back to talking about things as usual. I will apologize if I am wrong. She can never say she is sorry but she will let me see, by her changed actions, that she heard me. The house is big enough for all of us, and is kept pretty clean I must say except for the kitchen which is the heart of the house and sometimes gets pretty messy.

 I have a therapist via weekly phone calls ( new concept ) who I got through my MD. We have just started taking this past month and she is very helpful. She is the one who told me about this website.

 I aslo have 2  very supportive girlfriends, and My sister who lives in N.C. I can call any one of them at any time.

 A little about me... . , I lost my husband of 35yrs to prostate ca. 2009, 2 year's before my father died. I stayed home with my husband for a year before he passed, and I placed him on Hospice care to keep him home without worries  I can't believe how much I've been through since then, while holding myself together. I am still in morning. My son had a lot of reasons to bring his family here to me, but that is another story.

 Thank you for your time, interest and recommendations. I will do some reading as suggested, Im looking forward to hearing from you again







 

[mamachelle]

sikntired,

So glad to hear you are getting therapy and hope it does also help with the grief you are dealing with from your H's passing. I too do therapy via phone with an angelic therapist I have known for 13 years now! I love that I can do it anywhere. I can be looking out a window or sitting in a park or just parked in my car away from the daily chaos. I keep a notebook to write down what she says to help between sessions.

I would consider a geriatric psychiatrist consult for your mom if her behavior is becoming concerning, paranoid, or dangerous.

I would suggest you start reading and posting on our main boards.

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board seems the best fit. There is also  Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board for your DIL, even if it is just to read at first... .   many grandmas there as well.


When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Best,

mamachelle