well he ditched me again tonight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

wow pwBPD become soo predictable. Last night we talked and agreed to me coming over tonight. All was good and we said good night. About an hour after that he said come on over tonight (meaning last night) so I did. He was being very nice, to nice, and I started to think to myself, hmm, this is odd. He suddenly wanted me to come over tonight, what about tomorrow night? I asked him when I left this morning if he still wanted me to come back tonight, he said yes, but hesitated. Ok, thinking in the back of my mind, he is going to cancel because he has something else going on tonight and that is why he had me over last night. Sure as hec, he calls and says hes not feeling good. I tried so hard not to sound disapointed but he knew I was. I simply told him that I was expecting this. I am so tempted to end this right here and now. I am so sick of the games. That is why I am venting here before I do something I may regret. Thank you for this board!

[benny2]

wow pwBPD become soo predictable. Last night we talked and agreed to me coming over tonight. All was good and we said good night. About an hour after that he said come on over tonight (meaning last night) so I did. He was being very nice, to nice, and I started to think to myself, hmm, this is odd. He suddenly wanted me to come over tonight, what about tomorrow night? I asked him when I left this morning if he still wanted me to come back tonight, he said yes, but hesitated. Ok, thinking in the back of my mind, he is going to cancel because he has something else going on tonight and that is why he had me over last night. Sure as hec, he calls and says hes not feeling good. I tried so hard not to sound disapointed but he knew I was. I simply told him that I was expecting this. I am so tempted to end this right here and now. I am so sick of the games. That is why I am venting here before I do something I may regret. Thank you for this board!

[Siamese Rescue]

I could have written your post. I too am the recipient of the "illness" "headache" "back ache" etc that is lately being used as an excuse all the time. Don't do anything you'll regret or be unable to live with but know that I am feeling your exact experience and frustration, pain. It's terrible - the bull~ting and lying exhausts me. Same thing, "I don't feel well" can't come over. Total lie.

[benny2]

Well I did shoot him a text and told him if he had something else going on just be honest with me. No more games. He texted me back and said he has nothing going on, I just replied ok sorry hope your feeling better. I know there is more behind it. I've been through this for far to long. Hes either worried someone is going to see me there because when I am there he's watching every, and I mean every car that goes by, or he's going through one of his moods again and does'nt want to be with me. Whatever it may be, I am getting so tired of this. I will never trust the man, I will never know where I stand, I just need to be done. Its so sad that so many of us are going through this. I think we just need to get tough and take no more. We deserve better. I feel bad for all of us. When the going gets tough, the tough get going right?

[123Phoebe]

Hi benny, I'm really truly sorry that you're feeling badly about this; the games, predictability, mixed messages and just blah... .  

One of the things that I have found extemely helpful is having my own boundaries and sticking to them to the best of my ability.

Let's say we have plans for tomorrow and he asks me to do something tonight instead... .     One of my boundaries is that I will not be a 'last minute' girl, so I would have all kinds of things of interest for me to do 'tonight' already in place and would decline his last minute invitation.  That's not to say I'm never open to an impromtu get together, it's just not something I make a habit out of. 

Also, as old fashioned as this may sound, to this day I don't make a habit out of driving over to his place; he comes over here much more often.  He picks me up and takes me out, or we hang out, whatever... .     When I stopped being readily available, his attention perked up more.  It's really not even a BPD thing as much as a man/woman courting type ritual.

Your guy saying 'yes' to tonight too, then backing out feigning illness wasn't very nice.  It's not all that surprising though, as sucky as that sounds. 

I know that I so so so so much wanted my guy to want me as much as I wanted him; why couldn't he see how much I cared?  Why didn't he care as much as I did?  And I'd feel horrible with all these really bad thoughts flying around in my brain.  I'd want to just cut him off completely and get really upset at the unfairness of it all.  How dare he?  I can be a drama queen with the best of 'em!

And then I surrendered to the fact that I was allowing this sort of dynamic to play out, by not having my own boundaries properly in place.  I was too enmeshed emotionally and treating him with the expectation that he should be taking care of me, when I needed to be taking care of myself.  He wasn't/isn't my husband and there aren't any 'vows' in place. 

I don't know your situation and if it would be best to end it right here and now... .   maybe it would? perhaps not?  You know your situation best.

I guess what I'm wondering is if maybe you're sending out signals (like I was) that you're too available?  And now that you know that he does this sort of thing, you can protect yourself better in the future, by detaching a bit.  Figuring out what makes you feel comfortable in a dating relationship and behaving according to your values, wants and desires.  Give him the space to come to you and see if what he's offering holds value, while continuing to deeply invest in your own life

These little shifts speak volumes!  Self respect begets respect... .  

[benny2]

You are exactly right Phoebe. I have been thinking about that myself. I run everytime he wants me. Things have been a bit different this time around. He came to me asking if we could work this out, said he wanted to be with me, and since then (about 2 months ago) he has been very careful to not lead me on. Never saying he loves me, no talk about any future plans just asks me to come over when its convinent for him. He seems for some reason and I'm not sure why to have in the back of his mind that I am doing something behind his back. He calls me constantly on my days off to see what I am up to. I kind of think its his own guilt at work. I have never done anything while we are together and have tried to reassure him that I would not. I have been doing things a little different lately and he may have noticed. I am not asking questions, telling him I love him, and just kind of acting a bit like he is towards me. This may be flaring some things but I cannot and will not be a fool anymore.

[123Phoebe]

Okay  Btw, caring about someone does not make a fool.  It's so easy to get into this trap of a dynamic.  We're kinda lulled into it and a big reason is because of our lack of boundaries.  We are the other half of the dynamic.

I was also really afraid to speak up.  Lashing out was easier than simply asking for what I wanted, nicely.  And I was terrified of saying 'NO', for fear that he'd disappear completely.  Talk about low self esteem, ugh.

I remember him asking me to come over last minute when we had plans a couple of days later, and I put my new 'tools' to the test.  I said, 'Oh wow, wished I had known sooner, I've already made plans to do xyz, but am looking forward to seeing you Saturday!'  He was pretty shocked, but it set the tone for a more respectful relationship.  :)idn't stop him from testing my boundary, but I've stood firm on what I will and will not accept.

If he asked me to go to the show, or he scored some cool tickets to something last minute and I didn't have other plans, I'd be all over it.  Even just hanging out sometimes is fine.  It's just that whole 'enmeshment' thing that I can't handle, where I'm putting his needs ahead of my own with fantasies of brighter days ahead 'if only'... .   Where he's expecting me to jump and I'm expecting him to notice how high I can flip, ya know?  Always makes me feel resentful.

So, what are some boundaries that you'd like to put into place?

[Siamese Rescue]

The more you share the more it reminds me of

my boyfriend... .   He's definitely hiding me from someone. Doesn't want his car to be seen at my house, etc. that's why he's "sick" all the time now. He goes home and calls me constantly but doesn't risk his car being here. It's so weird. He accuses me of everything he does as well. I've found that asking them to "just be honest" never works, at least not for me. I've done it so many times.

[benny2]

Well one boundry that I set was the fact that he has to break all ties with hics ex wife, and until last night I did not notice anything telling me that he had not done so except for his distancing which makes me think she is still in the picture. Also, last night his phone went off while I was there and he shut it off. Another sign. I can't really accuse him of anything because I don't have much to go on other than my gut feeling and that just won't hold with him. Another that I would like to put in place is this asking me over late at night when he beccons me. I have asked him if we are going to start doing things together like we use to and he just says things will get better. What does that mean? I have gone from his girlfriend to his bed partner. Just does'nt sit well with me. Something is not right, something is never right.

[123Phoebe]

Well one boundry that I set was the fact that he has to break all ties with hics ex wife, and until last night I did not notice anything telling me that he had not done so except for his distancing which makes me think she is still in the picture.

Benny, this sounds more like a demand than a boundary.  He's going to do whatever he wants to do, he's an adult and makes his own decisions.

A boundary surrounding this issue would be that you will not stay in this relationship while he still has ties to his ex wife.  Is this something that you can follow through with?  It's important to be able to follow through with our boundaries, otherwise it's a failed attempt at a demand where we come off as looking needy, insecure and not to be taken seriously.  It sucks!

Another that I would like to put in place is this asking me over late at night when he beccons me. I have asked him if we are going to start doing things together like we use to and he just says things will get better. What does that mean? I have gone from his girlfriend to his bed partner. Just does'nt sit well with me. Something is not right, something is never right.

It's up to you to change this dynamic   If you don't want to be his bed partner then don't be his bed partner.  Stop being available for that and say that you'd like to do x, y or z, perhaps using SET - Support, Empathy and Truth:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

If he doesn't come through then you have your answer, to 'what does this mean'?  It's going to be more of the same... .  

This stuff is really super hard.  It's easy to look at them for the answers, harder to actually get one and harder yet to ask ourselves the really tough questions... .  

[Clearmind]

Benny, are you also keeping up with your interests, friends, family etc?

Its possible to become hyper focussed on our partners and negate our needs.