How to handle being pushed away/ painted black

[Siamese Rescue]

He has resumed contact with his ex and she has dedicated her life to getting back together with him, has amazing influence over him because of financial security she offered him over the years, she loathes me and will stop at nothing to see me brought to my knees.

He, despite claiming to want her out of his life for years, always finds an excuse to keep ties with her and I don't think he wants her to be completely gone.

Well, the pendulum has shifted and although we just returned from a nice vacation where we got along very well, he has turned on me again. I feel lacerated ... .   I feel slaughtered.

Further he has picked up with some new women clients and is having a bit of an inappropriate relationship with one of them, no proof of actual infidelity, but stuff that smells wrong or at least questionable.

I am so devastated that he's now being mean to me, pulling away, shoving me away. I'm walking on eggshells and hating it, trying to keep him close. I don't know if that's the right or wrong thing to do... .   Please tell me how to behave during this time? Do I stop contact? He thinks all is ok and I'm overreacting... .   Whatever I do feels like it's going to be the wrong thing... .  

[benny2]

I could swear we are talking about the same man. My BPDbf also has an ex that had financial backing from an inheiratence that he will not break ties from. I have told him the only way this is going to work is if he breaks all ties with her and I don't believe he has. I think that is still what interfers with our relationship. She also will stop at nothing to keep him away from me. Wow, it weird how we are in such simular situations.

[benny2]

I will also tell you, that I know how you feel and I tried everything to keep him close to me, but nothing matters. If their ex's money is what motivates them, then that is what they are going to go for. It never mattered what I said or how hard I tried to convince him that money was not going to make him happy, and it won't, it was like talking to a brick wall. You do know that they tend to base their relationships on need and will go to the one that has what they need at the time. They don't love, they need. Its so sad and nothing you can do but try to detach and let it play its course. The more I tried, the worse things got. I think the best thing you can do right now is leave him go, that is what I am doing and I so want to just tell him to go jump in the lake, but I am just letting him go. Call a friend and talk instead, it helps. I know how this just drains you emotionally, but try not to let it.

[Siamese Rescue]

The up and downs are so fast. Three days ago he's saying I love you and now he's freezing me out. He has this thing with his ex but he also has this new client who is younger pretty single wealthy- his line of work gave him an excuse to spend time w her this past weekend and although there were no signs of affection (per p/I) it's still nerve wracking that he is freezing me out, coincidentally after spending time with her plus his ex is fighting tooth and nail to get him back and her birthday is this weekend... .   I'm just a pile of nerves. It's so painful. It's so immobilizing.

[benny2]

 I have been going through this for years siamese. I met him 17 years ago when I was separated from my husband. I went back to my husband and he NEVER left me alone. He would show up at my work, call me and kept trying to start things up again. He remarried and still persued me. I did not have a good marriage, so I ended  my marriage and went to him. He bought a home that he called ours, I left mine and moved in with him. Shortly after that I caught him sneaking over to his ex's house down the road. Needless to say, it was not good after that so I moved out. He then begged me for another chance. After a few months he started acting strange again. He was getting text messages constantly. I knew what was going on so I ended it again. Within a month he was texting me. Dumb me answered. Once again he convienced me he was done with her and wanted to work things out. Well here we are again at the ball park and he's pitching me curve balls. There comes a time to realize, this is how they live their life. No consistancy, no empathy, no true commitments. This is not what I want. Is it what you want? Someone you will never be able to trust. Never knowing where you stand in the relationship. Constantly having to watch what you say and how you say it. I think I have gone through this long enough to know that it is not going to change and I need to end it.

[Siamese Rescue]

Thank you for sharing - it does help to read someone else's story. The back and forth is overwhelming. I don't know how you have survived it. 17 years is a long time. Ten years longer than my mess

and that feels like an eternity.  At least you have the strength to pull away abs at least he comes back to you, whether that's a good or bad thing. I don't have the strength right now and it shreads my heart that he's found other people and has resumed with his ex. I know he's with me begrudgingly and all I would have to say is "I'm done" and he would think it was a relief and probably be more open with his other relationships, and never try to get me back... .   that's what hurts and really destroys me... .   I know it's unhealthy and twisted but I am where I am... .  

[benny2]

Actually they say you should let them end it because it lessens the chance of a recycle which may explain why mine kept after me. I was usually the one to end it, but I think if I do not, he will just continue this forever.

[benny2]

This morning he called me like nothing was wrong. So BPD typical. I have'nt for sure decided whether or not I am going to end it, but I am for sure going to set boundries. That may put it to rest in itself.

[LetItBe]

Actually they say you should let them end it because it lessens the chance of a recycle which may explain why mine kept after me. I was usually the one to end it, but I think if I do not, he will just continue this forever.

Hmm, I haven't heard that.  My uBPDxbf and I recycled, and he's the one that broke up with me the first time.  I asked for NC afterward, and he reached out periodically anyway.

It's up to us to stick up for ourselves.  We don't have to hand over our power and wait for someone else to make a decision for us.