Our Future

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't posted in a while, but I guess that's a good thing? Three years ago, I moved out of the house to go to college which has been a huge blessing. My relationship with my uBPD mother and enabler stepdad is better (and could even be called "great" when I'm not with them for extended periods of time.

Well, cut to today. My parents came up to visit me for the weekend and all was going well. We wanted to get brunch before they drove back home, but we didn't have much time to get it. The restaurant we wanted to eat at gave us a 40 minute wait, which my stepdad said we couldn't manage since they had to check out of their hotel soon. My mother, instead of listening to him and thanking the hostess for her time, decided to angrily snap that we "did have enough time." Logically, no we did not, and I don't know why my mother is obsessed with looking so good in front of strangers when a) it doesn't even make any sense — the hostess wouldn't have cared if we ate there or not, they were packed and didn't need our business, and b) we're your family, whom you have to answer to for the rest of your life, so treating us poorly probably isn't so smart in the long run.

For the record, she is so insanely horrible to my stepdad that it makes me ill. Everything, from the way he talks, to what he talks about, to what he wears, to what he eats, to how he eats — all of it is something she will make fun of. And I don't mean make a joke out of; she bitterly resents all of these behaviors and has no qualms about verbalizing her displeasure. Everyone has their quirks, but she takes criticizing him to an extreme. It's embarrassing, even heartbreaking, to watch and immediately kills the good-time vibe of any situation we are all in.

I jumped to my stepdad's defense and said that he was only recommending that we be mindful of the time and pick another restaurant. My mother was furious about having to leave, but I gave her an earful by telling her that her behavior wasn't appropriate and that she can't make scenes like that. As most of you can probably imagine, my uBPD mom is prone to public outbursts. She's very over-dramatic, which has led me to become easily embarrassed in the presence of extremely outgoing people. I still cringe even when I'm in the company of eccentric friends, which makes me sad, as I want to enjoy their company and not be reminded of my mother's ulterior motives for being loud. Anyway, she began to turn on me, so I said I was leaving. I told her to have a nice brunch and told her that I would be going back to my dorm. She then burst into tears in the middle of the street, unable to cope with the fact that she was wrong. Once again, another very public scene — better yet, one that publicly paints her as a victim.

I know I can't change her, but I wish my mother understood me when I tell her that her doing this makes me question the future of our relationship. The way she acts now, I can't say what our future holds. Yes, we do well when apart, but she mentioned at dinner the night before that she wants to pack up and move to wherever I decide to settle with my future husband and children. I can't say with confidence that I even want those future kiddos to spend the night at her house, not when she's so incapable of controlling her emotions. Have any of you struggled with instances like this? It hurts that I have to keep telling her that her choices are jeopardizing her relationship with her only child and yet she continues to disregard my concerns.

[tick.tock]

I haven't posted in a while, but I guess that's a good thing? Three years ago, I moved out of the house to go to college which has been a huge blessing. My relationship with my uBPD mother and enabler stepdad is better (and could even be called "great" when I'm not with them for extended periods of time.

Well, cut to today. My parents came up to visit me for the weekend and all was going well. We wanted to get brunch before they drove back home, but we didn't have much time to get it. The restaurant we wanted to eat at gave us a 40 minute wait, which my stepdad said we couldn't manage since they had to check out of their hotel soon. My mother, instead of listening to him and thanking the hostess for her time, decided to angrily snap that we "did have enough time." Logically, no we did not, and I don't know why my mother is obsessed with looking so good in front of strangers when a) it doesn't even make any sense — the hostess wouldn't have cared if we ate there or not, they were packed and didn't need our business, and b) we're your family, whom you have to answer to for the rest of your life, so treating us poorly probably isn't so smart in the long run.

For the record, she is so insanely horrible to my stepdad that it makes me ill. Everything, from the way he talks, to what he talks about, to what he wears, to what he eats, to how he eats — all of it is something she will make fun of. And I don't mean make a joke out of; she bitterly resents all of these behaviors and has no qualms about verbalizing her displeasure. Everyone has their quirks, but she takes criticizing him to an extreme. It's embarrassing, even heartbreaking, to watch and immediately kills the good-time vibe of any situation we are all in.

I jumped to my stepdad's defense and said that he was only recommending that we be mindful of the time and pick another restaurant. My mother was furious about having to leave, but I gave her an earful by telling her that her behavior wasn't appropriate and that she can't make scenes like that. As most of you can probably imagine, my uBPD mom is prone to public outbursts. She's very over-dramatic, which has led me to become easily embarrassed in the presence of extremely outgoing people. I still cringe even when I'm in the company of eccentric friends, which makes me sad, as I want to enjoy their company and not be reminded of my mother's ulterior motives for being loud. Anyway, she began to turn on me, so I said I was leaving. I told her to have a nice brunch and told her that I would be going back to my dorm. She then burst into tears in the middle of the street, unable to cope with the fact that she was wrong. Once again, another very public scene — better yet, one that publicly paints her as a victim.

I know I can't change her, but I wish my mother understood me when I tell her that her doing this makes me question the future of our relationship. The way she acts now, I can't say what our future holds. Yes, we do well when apart, but she mentioned at dinner the night before that she wants to pack up and move to wherever I decide to settle with my future husband and children. I can't say with confidence that I even want those future kiddos to spend the night at her house, not when she's so incapable of controlling her emotions. Have any of you struggled with instances like this? It hurts that I have to keep telling her that her choices are jeopardizing her relationship with her only child and yet she continues to disregard my concerns.

[arabella]

First off - congratulations on reinforcing your boundaries re appropriate public behaviour! I'm still working on my courage in this area.

How does your stepdad feel about all of this? Have you seen any changes in your mother since you've started to enforce boundaries with her?

I'm really curious to hear what others have to say as I have had a similar debate with myself. One of the reasons I haven't had children yet is because of my N/BPDfil. My H is even worse at boundary setting than I am (!) and I am having a really hard time with the idea of having any potential children exposed to my fil. Heck, I have trouble allowing myself to be around the man! :P

[Clearmind]

Yes good for you for sticking to your boundary.

Trust that if you have kids - you will also be willing, able and equipped to reinforce those boundaries then too. You may have expectations of the usual grandparent/grandchild relationship however unfortuntately we need to reassess those expectations.

Permit yourself the joy of parenthood despite it.

[tick.tock]

Thank you both for your support. Unfortunately, this week has been a lesson in boundaries.

I'm supposed to be inducted into my college's honors society tomorrow and just received word from my mom that I've been "irritated with her lately" (i.e., the argument described in the above post and a tense phone call that occurred this afternoon) and since my college is "a few hours away and the ceremony is so short" she expressed doubts about whether or not she should be there. I told her, "The decision is yours, but I've already invited you and haven't dis-invited you, so I've made my stance clear." This wasn't enough for her. She told me how disappointed she was since she needed "a little something extra" from me and I obviously couldn't provide that — "I wanted to hear from you how much you wanted me to be there."

What the heck. I snapped at her that I shouldn't have to beg her to attend an event I'd already invited her to. She hung up. When I called back, I told her that I don't think it would be good of her to come. She protested, saying she's going. I told her that was my choice. Now it's up to me to decide. It's hard because I don't want to punish her and it would be so pathetic for me to be at that ceremony with no one cheering me on, but I don't need her drama or her presence to be proud of myself. I don't even know if I want to deal with her right now.

[Beachbumforlife]

Wow!  I'm impressed.  Not only by your ability to keep your boundaries, but the calm way you handled it.  That's so impressive especially given that you are relatively so young.  Good job!   

[Clearmind]

You are doing really well Tick! I see what she is doing – needing validation from you. We really need to ensure we don’t validate the invalid by calling back/rescuing or to have the last word.

Next time, don’t call back. She needs to sit with it rather than lash out at you. Don’t play in the drama triangle – step out of it.

Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

[tick.tock]

Thank you, guys. I'm trying, but it's hard. I still have a lot left to learn. There's a lot of emotional growth that still needs to take place. Clearmind, I agree — next time, I need to let her sit a while. When I called back to tell her I'd prefer it if she didn't come, she immediately took the opportunity to lash out and criticize me, to escalate the argument. I need to not give her those opportunities and try to remain calm and clear-headed.

Even though I eventually extended an olive branch ("I think it would be nice if you came tomorrow, but only so long as there isn't any drama.", she took this as a dig and is now attending the event out of spite. When I advised her to listen to my wishes and not attend, she refused. When I told her that I didn't have to give the school her name as my official guest, she flew off the handle and dis-invited herself from my future wedding.

So, yeah, lots of craziness could be avoided in the future by just not playing into that trap. Lesson learned.

[Clearmind]

You are a quick learner 

I agree that staying calm and centered is essential! Her drama is not yours to own or fix.

We can easily get wrapped up in the drama - boundaries are our friend - use them when you need to - this includes getting off the phone when drama escalates. We don't need to engage in it.