Do they ever move on? Do they ever give up?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. I've been nc now for a month. I've been with my uexBPDgf for 8 yrs.  we have done this dance for way to long.  I left her after trying to work things out with her again. I lasted almost 8 months this time. I finally realized my life with her will always be full of drama and arguing. So I decided I had to leave for good. I'm doing alot better this time and have moved on

My question is do they ever stop trying to recycle and move on?  That's what scares me the most.  I'm afraid ill be doing very well only to have her come back. I don't want to try anymore. Just need to hear some positive stories from anyone that's had success in finally breaking away

[Confused69]

Hello. I've been nc now for a month. I've been with my uexBPDgf for 8 yrs.  we have done this dance for way to long.  I left her after trying to work things out with her again. I lasted almost 8 months this time. I finally realized my life with her will always be full of drama and arguing. So I decided I had to leave for good. I'm doing alot better this time and have moved on

My question is do they ever stop trying to recycle and move on?  That's what scares me the most.  I'm afraid ill be doing very well only to have her come back. I don't want to try anymore. Just need to hear some positive stories from anyone that's had success in finally breaking away

[Clearmind]

My question is do they ever stop trying to recycle and move on? Pretty powerful and loaded question Confused. Recycling takes two!

You are giving her a lot of power – what happened to your personal power and how can you regain it?

[Sleep doc]

They never stop trying to recycle but you move on.   The beginning is really hard mostly because once the anger and frustration subsides you start to habituate on the good times and you miss them.  But they only made your "false" self happy.  They made the part of you happy that you have built around you to be able to survive - this part of you that you portray to others because your true self is so shameful to you.  That is how they have a hold on you.  In your case over time she broke you down to the point you ended up revealing your true self, the part of you that has guilt and shame and doesn't feel worthy of love.  And she stayed and supported for a while.  But once you revealed the true you, that is when the whole thing should have started breaking down and my guess is that is probably when it did.

People mistakenly think no contact is about the other person.  The reality is NC is about you.  It is about how YOU choose to get back YOUR life.  It is about you choosing to love your TRUE self and too feel worthy of being loved for the TRUE you.  This is about liberation and freedom.  Take it - take this gift you have given your self and learn to forgive your true self.  Then you will find someone who will love the imperfect you, and I PROMISE you will finally realize true happiness.

[Confused69]

 How am I giving her power if i have gone NC?  I am moving on and feel it stronger than I had in the past.   I've been dating other women but nothing serious, I don't think I'll be ready for some time now.

[Confused69]

Thanks sleep doc.  I did tell her some very personal stuff when we first got together.  I thought I could trust her.  She ended up telling everyone that would listen.  I did become someone I'm not.  I became what she wanted me to be.  I did it to make her happy.  But as you know it's never enough.  I think I just finally realized that this prize wasn't worth the price I had to pay.  She just wore me down.  Thanks for your advice

[Clearmind]

My question is do they ever stop trying to recycle and move on?  That's what scares me the most.  I'm afraid ill be doing very well only to have her come back. I don't want to try anymore. Just need to hear some positive stories from anyone that's had success in finally breaking away

Ok I’m confused. Your post says you are scared you will not be able to resist if she contacts you. Is this not giving away your power of choice – no one can be “sucked” back into a relationship against their will.

People can only take our personal power if we give it to them.

[lost007]

Over 4 months separated. Divorce nearly final. She hasn't given up. I have been clear. Lots of bargaining. Pleading. Anger. Threats. Manipulation. Tactics to make me recycle. I haven't given in. She hasn't given up. It's exhausting. She has said that if I think that I can just walk away(reality break as it has taken a tremendous effort and has cost me dearly financially) that I am sorely mistaken and unrealistic. Tells me it's just not that easy and not allowed. Hope your situation resolves easier than mine. My stbex is just psychotic at this point. Hs pushed beyond borderline to obsessive ex.

[Confused69]

What I meant clearmind is that I'm tired of hurting and hurting her bec of all the stupid arguments.  I have a big heart, and I don't want to even have to deal with her if she were to try and re engage me. She told me she didn't want me to leave and that she loved me. I chose to leave to save myself.  BPD or not I don't want to hurt anyone. And if she came around I would definitely turn her fm down. And I just don't want to go thru any more of that drama. She knows which buttons to push to get me to feel sympathy for her.

Lost, I'm sorry to hear your still dealing with her.  I guess I've been fortunate so far. One month NC and that's a long time for us. Maybe the fat lady has finally sang.

[whatarideout]

My question is do they ever stop trying to recycle and move on? 

do your research. taking some time to go through old post on this board will give you an answer.

many members have not heard a word from their ex's in years. my ex moved away nearly two years ago. i have not received any attempts of communication since.

i don't believe i ever will again.

[Hurt llama]

Hello. I've been nc now for a month. I've been with my uexBPDgf for 8 yrs.  we have done this dance for way to long.  I left her after trying to work things out with her again. I lasted almost 8 months this time. I finally realized my life with her will always be full of drama and arguing. So I decided I had to leave for good. I'm doing alot better this time and have moved on

My question is do they ever stop trying to recycle and move on?  That's what scares me the most.  I'm afraid ill be doing very well only to have her come back. I don't want to try anymore. Just need to hear some positive stories from anyone that's had success in finally breaking away

I can relate... .   and my story is similar, it's my biggest fear but I am the one who dumped her and also does my share of maintaining connection.

My biggest fear is that after I finally do move on she will always be available and will also reach out to me.

[Confused69]

The time that it takes her to try and come back seems to get longer each time. She has a real good habit of turning up when I least expect her.  But from what I read here is that it's always because they want something from us. She is a very attractive woman so I'm sure she's probably got the next guy in her sites.  I don't want to ever go back and I don't want to ever deal with her again. I chose to leave and I will stay strong.  The only trouble I'm having seems to not be able to remember all the bad times.  It's like all I can think about was the good .  Why is this?

[fakename]

@confused,

in the beginning i would only think of the good times too,

then i tried to get my mind off that by looking at what the relationship really was and what was happening to me while i was in it. then i just tried working on things i needed to improve. during some time in that process, i coudlnt really remember the good times. could only remember bad times... .

now, i can kinda see both. i just went through a couple days when i missed her a lot and wish i was with it, but that lasted only a few days and now i still miss her, but just trying to take care of myself... .  

i feel like most the time when i want to get back with her its because i'm beating myself up in some way and also just believing that i wont find someone else or im not good enough to find someone else... .   i think its mostly damage from her knowing where to hit on my what was already weak self esteem. there's also thoughts of i wont find someone who will be as affectionate as she was... .   but in reality it was mostly me being affectionate to her and anyway there was more abuse and manipulating (even from my end) than romance

i guess all i can say is take care of yourself and in time you'll get stronger and treat yourself with more respect... .  

[healingmyheart]

Just over 3 months and my ex is still trying.  I dumped him after things reached a critical point of verbal abuse, etc.  He sends gifts which I ultimately sent right back.  He texts me and tries to manipulate me that way.  He'll eventually get desperate and upset and say "goodbye", "the end", "you'll never hear from me again" but the next day I'll get another text... .   the cycle continues. 

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to find myself again.  Everyday I'm feeling a little bit better.  A month ago I could hardly get out of bed I was so depressed.  Today I went and volunteered and went shopping.  Tomorrow, I'll go to the gym and so on... .   life does go on without them.  Yes, he is on my mind way too much but at least he's not physically in my life. 

[AllyCat7]

They never stop trying to recycle but you move on.   The beginning is really hard mostly because once the anger and frustration subsides you start to habituate on the good times and you miss them.  But they only made your "false" self happy.  They made the part of you happy that you have built around you to be able to survive - this part of you that you portray to others because your true self is so shameful to you.  That is how they have a hold on you.  In your case over time she broke you down to the point you ended up revealing your true self, the part of you that has guilt and shame and doesn't feel worthy of love.  And she stayed and supported for a while.  But once you revealed the true you, that is when the whole thing should have started breaking down and my guess is that is probably when it did.

People mistakenly think no contact is about the other person.  The reality is NC is about you.  It is about how YOU choose to get back YOUR life.  It is about you choosing to love your TRUE self and too feel worthy of being loved for the TRUE you.  This is about liberation and freedom.  Take it - take this gift you have given your self and learn to forgive your true self.  Then you will find someone who will love the imperfect you, and I PROMISE you will finally realize true happiness.

This was beautiful and so on point.