Lost Weekends

[ApChagi1]

One thing I especially struggle with is the number of lost weekends I feel I have with my BPD wife.  I often have things I would like to accomplish around the house, or fun things I'd like to do together or on my own, but it seems like there is always some kind of drama or crisis that results in hours and hours of talking and me comforting her for a perceived wrong.  The result is nothing gets done around the house, the weekend is over, and I feel like I had no time for fun.  I know she is often in a lot of mental pain and anguish, and it is hard to watch and difficult for me to empathize with anymore since it is so constant. 

I work full-time during the week and she stays home and does not work.  She is either unwilling or unable to to chores around the house, so those are 90% my responsibility.  I am finally coming to terms with accepting that is just how things are.

The lost weekends, however, are really frustrating.  Does anybody have any suggestions on how to break that cycle?  Thank you. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[addicted2pizza]

One thing I especially struggle with is the number of lost weekends I feel I have with my BPD wife.  I often have things I would like to accomplish around the house, or fun things I'd like to do together or on my own, but it seems like there is always some kind of drama or crisis that results in hours and hours of talking and me comforting her for a perceived wrong.  The result is nothing gets done around the house, the weekend is over, and I feel like I had no time for fun.  I know she is often in a lot of mental pain and anguish, and it is hard to watch and difficult for me to empathize with anymore since it is so constant. 

I work full-time during the week and she stays home and does not work.  She is either unwilling or unable to to chores around the house, so those are 90% my responsibility.  I am finally coming to terms with accepting that is just how things are.

The lost weekends, however, are really frustrating.  Does anybody have any suggestions on how to break that cycle?  Thank you. 

I don't really have an answer, but I know exactly how you feel! My uBPD wife works 4 days a week. Every week on the day she's off, I come home, expecting not a clean house, but at least no dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. And I end up disappointed. Also, a dinner would be nice, although I don't really mind cooking.

I, on the other hand, work 6 days a week, and often overtime as well.

On the weekends, once she gets up late, her standard response is "I'm going to relax a little bit and then clean." But after the relaxing, she might spend several hours in front of the computer, while I do the laundry, walk the dogs and cook. And then she'll have to take a nap.

And me too, I feel that I've had so many lost weekends, because for some reason the emotions seem to flare up on the weekend so often. I've thought of several reasons for it, but can't really tell what's the real reason. Is it because we spend more time together, so I see the reaction? Or maybe because she feels the expectation of cleaning, and that creates pressure? Or she feels guilty? Or something else maybe.

I'd be interested in hearing more... .  

[ApChagi1]

It's just so discouraging.  When I ask for help around the house, or try to express that I like the house reasonably clean, her response is always, "Well than you have the wrong priorities if that is what is important to you." 

I'm not asking for a spotless, museum-like house, but occassionally washing dishes or walking the dog would be a tremendous help.

[lizzie458]

I have this issue as well.  My dBPDh works, but we are on opposite shifts and he works from home.  I am always drowning in housework, and whenever he has free time (which he has more than me), he spends it in front of the TV.

My solution thus far has been to let go of the expectation that we can  have fun TOGETHER most of the time.  If I want to have some fun, I go have it outside of the home without him.

I have noticed that my H isn't always insistent upon staying in a horrible mood - negativity is simply his baseline.  Many times I have found recently that if I am able to be positive and maintain a good attitude, even in the face of some snipping from him; he comes around pretty quickly.  That's not always the case, of course, but I've found his moods are much more dependent on mine than I ever realized.  It's a tricky thing to not take that knowledge and try to control everything with it, but this whole BPD business is tricky period. 

[VeryFree]

I really know what you mean.

Weekends were ruined, whole weeks were gone (mostly the weeks I had my holiday).

It often seemed like she didn't want to have fun and to make sure I didn't also.

At a certain point I knew we couldn't make fun together, so I would try to do things alone. Hard thing to do and mostly it didn't work out the way I wanted: I had no fun really and coming home again she would be mad.

[lizzie458]

Also, life got a lot easier for me (emotionally) once I began to let go of my expectations for him regarding housework.  Sure I still get annoyed, sad, hurt, exhausted, etc. from time to time about it, but on the whole I had to really take a good look at myself and ask several questions:

1.  :)o I have any reason to believe he will ever do enough housework to satisfy me?  (No.)

2.  Is there any reason I should continue to expect that he will?  (Not unless my goal is to live in negativity, with resentment and bitterness growing until I have a nervous breakdown one day.)

It helps me to realize that, despite the BPD, he does still contribute to the marriage in meaningful ways (though there will be times that he won't, just like there will be times that I won't).  I believe that marriage is not 50/50 - everyone has times when they pull more than and less than his or her own weight.  There's no way to truly compare myself to anyone else.  It's tough to see my own part in this stuff, and uncover just how self righteous I can be sometimes.

[ApChagi1]

All these things are very helpful and sound so very similar to what I experience daily. 

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far.

[ApChagi1]

I also have a number of solo hobbies that I enjoy, but am usually afraid to engage in because it only results in her exploding at me afterwards so much that it usually isn't worth the enjoyment I receive from the hobbies. 

[Paradisegirl]

It sounds like you have been watching what goes on around my life! I find I almost dread weekends and holidays because of the "trouble" I get in. I never do anything right, I am selfish, I don't understand anything, Ian lazy, I fall asleep too early, I don't really love her, etc, etc, etc. oh, but she loves me more than I can ever imagine!

Not sure if I can do this forever!

[ApChagi1]

I know just what you mean, Paradisegirl.  I get constant lectures about how much I've changed since we've been married and how I don't love her enough or do enough for her.  It's really depressing. 

I like to hope that same smart, funny, fun girl is in there somewhere, but I see her less and less these days.

[Mara2]

Lost weekends, holidays, ruined vacations- so familiar!  is there any hope? 

What i leaned here is that my BPDH has a huge hole in his life that he wants me to fill and I turn out to not be able to so he gets mad at me.  I used to think that was my fault.  NOT my fault at all! 

He would fill all our time off with problems so that he would feel nurtured and comforted.  I had to learn not to fall into this trap.  the lessons on the right of the page really do help, I encourage you to read through them. 

Remember that you cannot fix your partner, only empathize and be supportive.  It is up to them to deal with their pain and move on.  It is up to me to take care of myself.

I totally understand about not wanting to work on your hobbies- my H does the same thing.  I have started working on my own hobbies again, even if he gets mad.  By not doing things I enjoy I lost myself- don't do this to yourself!  It is hard to get back. 

[bluebasket321]

I have a job where I have to work every other weekend and I have one weekday off per week.  When my BP friend and I first started spending time together we often made plans on my day off until it became almost an unspoken agreement. 

At a certain point she started to become less reliable about plans, either leaving me hanging about what time she was free or backing out at the last minute.  One time I told myself that if I didn’t have an answer from her about evening plans by 5pm I would make alternative plans – it seemed like a reasonable thing to do.

Not surprisingly, I had to run the gauntlet for it! At the time I didn’t know about BPD or how important establishing boundaries early on was going to be, so I decided to keep my day off for her -- either I would meet up with her or I would just bum around at home if she flaked out. Now she typically either waits until the last minute to confirm plans (i.e. 30 minutes to an hour before we actually meet) or doesn't respond at all and then makes up some excuse the following day for why she couldn't get back to me.

This worked out ok for a long time (most of the time we would meet) but recently there have been a lot of “lost days-off” when we haven't met and I've made no other plans.

I regret not establishing the boundary early on, but now after years of reserving the day for her, part of me feels that changing it would trigger some kind of crisis.  Reading what I've just written, I realize it all sounds ridiculous. I know I need to change it, I just wish there were a gentle way of doing it.

[One_hour_at_a_time]

Wow i'm not the only one!   My wife is actually the one who needs everything in its place( mild Aspergers?)  and sees the weekends as the time to catch up.  But we have never been caught up to her standards the 20 yrs of living together.

My inattention usually leads to her getting upset and going back to lay and bed and stare at the ceiling for hours.  It sometimes will go on for days in a cycle of me apologizing and her raging/actively ignoring me.

She can't even get out of bed until our room is a certain way though. 

We rarely do any fun activities and I hate this and feel sorry for our kids.

I used to be able to push through and still fit some fun in once in a while but my spirit is broken and I have lost my drive.   

Oh by the way... .       its all my fault and if I didn't _____   or did _____ everything would be fine.

She doesn't have a diagnosis but everything seems to fit BPD

She is on permanent disability we have a 16 B yr old with aspergers with issues a 14 yr old B who is depressed and suicidal and a 11 yr old G who is fine.

[empathic]

Yeah, many weekends/vacations down the drain here also. My wife has a tendency to focus on the problems, or create them if they don't exist. If the entire house is clean except for one table she'll get into a rage about how messy everything is - instead of spending the energy on the 5 minutes it takes to clean that table.

She also has this idea that everything must be done at once - this can mean doing laundry a saturday night instead of spending time with family.