Extinction or just a burst?

[addicted2pizza]

I was invited to a wedding on Saturday. Actually, I was and so was my uBPDW. At first she had said "yes", but as the time got closer she got more and more anxious. It was my coworker's wedding, and she was afraid that my coworker friend, who she calls her "nemesis" would be there. She has severe jealousy issues.

Before the wedding I had said to my wife that I don't know who was going to be there. I didn't, and I wasn't really too concerned about who'd be there anyway.

So I had told my wife that if she feels anxious, she doesn't have to come. It's her choice. This, of course, was not well received, and she wanted to have a joint session with me and her psychiatrist.

She decided not to join me.

Fortunately, I had a session with my therapist the day before. Good thing I had, since he reminded me that even though my wife wasn't going, she would still probably have the same reaction. The only difference would be the location.

And oh boy, was that a reaction. She had been stalking the Facebook page of some of my coworkers to see who was attending. And after that, the text messages started.

I did respond once between the ceremony and reception. But my battery was running low, so I turned my phone off.

If anyone here has a Windows phone, they might be familiar with the scene that I got the next time I powered the phone up. Normally, the text message icon is a :-). But if you get several messages, it turns into :-O. That's what it was like.

There must have been 40 messages there. Half of them didn't even make any sense. And the ones that did, were mean and/or abusive.

I hadn't responded.

Later on, when I get home, it's "What if something had happened to me or our son, and you didn't pick up?" Meanwhile, I notice the empty bottle of vodka on the kitchen table. She had taken that, which probably doesn't work well with some of her medication. I felt it was like setting the house on fire, and then blaming the fire department for not responding fast enough and losing your home.

I didn't say this out loud though.

The next day, she tried to downplay it at the table. Making it seem like a joke, that it was funny. Which again, seems like a chapter from an abusive relationship.

Today, she texted me and said she was sorry for the weekend. I said that I felt that the messages were abusive.

So, the big question is, how will this affect the cycle? Time will tell, I suppose... .  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inspirationneeded]

My BPD still gets extremely anxious around big planned events, and occasionally bows out at the very last minute.  It happens less frequently now than say a year ago.   

I think you handled it extremely well even if you were feeling different inside.     You didn't show anger or attack her feelings.  This is probably what sparked her apology.  Not getting worked up over the fact that she didn't attend, the more likely she will not get anxiety over the next big event. Because you have shown the event itself isn't as big a deal as she is making it out to be.  Make sense? 

[addicted2pizza]

My BPD still gets extremely anxious around big planned events, and occasionally bows out at the very last minute.  It happens less frequently now than say a year ago.   

I think you handled it extremely well even if you were feeling different inside.     You didn't show anger or attack her feelings.  This is probably what sparked her apology.  Not getting worked up over the fact that she didn't attend, the more likely she will not get anxiety over the next big event. Because you have shown the event itself isn't as big a deal as she is making it out to be.  Make sense? 

Thanks! Now the question is should I tell her (afterwards) that I'm ignoring her if she's raging, or should I keep it to myself? I think saying it at the moment would be counter productive, and akin to putting your fingers in your ear and yelling "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Also, even though she apologized, after the apology she seems to be circling downwards in mood again. Could be unrelated, or I'm wondering if it's because that's when I said that I found the messages abusive. I didn't say that she was abusive though, but that the messages were.

[Inspirationneeded]

Ignoring her, removing yourself from the situation when she rages is a boundary (great boundary) that you have set for yourself.  There is no reason to tell her unless she asks.  And I think you're absolutley correct, behaving that way in the moment she would probably feel the same way.  Probably wouldn't have helped the situation any.   

I was going to comment earlier, that when she aplologizes, it's a great oppourtunity for some incredible validation.  She recognizes she was wrong, recognizes she upset you, recognizes she acted irrationally.  She may however not recognize why she did those things.  She's in logic mode and this is a great chance to allow her to express her point of view so both of you understand her better. 

You're familiar with the tools by your comments.  Keep up with that same type of communication.  Acknowledging specifics and avoiding labeling her.