how far is too far?

[coffeeaddict]

Hi All, Coffeeaddict here-

    Been on here before, uBPDw of 15 years, 2 kids (1 with special needs). The question I have tonight is what is/ what are the different boundaries that you have with your bp that if they cross it, it's just too far, too much? Types of verbal abuse? Physical abuse? Certain things that they say? Levels of disrespect? Threats?

I guess over the years, we put up with so much that it's hard to see what boundaries are being crossed and if they have in fact crossed that final line? For me, my w has been lashing out over the stupidest things that I have either done or not done and then she just starts the verbal assaults (yells out and calls me a wothless piece of crap in front the kids because I didn't do the dishes when she wanted them to instead of at night like usual, for example). I know in a " normal" relationship, that just might be the last straw, but what do you all think?

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[BPDdaddy]

I think that you should try to set boundaries, but in a respectful way--let her know that you don't appreciate it when she calls you those names, and then leave it at that.  If she continues, let her know that you are going to take a breather for a second and you will come back to discuss the issue--underneath it all, she may just be frustrated in general, and if you walk away and let her know that you will address the issue later, she may actually calm down and the situation will be defused. 

I was in the same boat 3 months ago (she would yell at me for not doing the dishes--I was doing them every night for months, and just happened to do them the next morning on this occasion--and in reality, I think she was frustrated at my level of frustration in the marriage).  I made the mistake of allowing the frustration to build, rather than understanding that I was the only one who could change the tone in our home by walking away from the situation--I'm pretty sure that even though she would try to continue the argument, had I walked away, she would have eventually figured out that her frustration was more about her than me.  Because I let the frustration build, I eventually snapped, which has created a situation where she now blames me for everything--me snapping was proof that her frustration at me being frustrated was correct. 

Let me tell you one thing about my decision to be frustrated rather than accepting that her rants were not about me and respectfully setting boundaries: my life is a literal hell now.  She has been out to destroy me in every way possible, validating her has zero practical effect when the separation anxiety of divorce has now been brought into the picture by her, setting boundaries sends her into a state where I think that she could literally kill me if I let my frustration get the best of me, and our children are suffering beyond belief--(she can't even take care of herself anymore, so the children have been constantly sick and are becoming undernourished). 

My advice: Find a place of peace.  Understand that her rages are not about you.  Respectfully draw boundaries without being angry, and let the situation defuse. 

[BPDdaddy]

By the way, we separated at her request.  I thought that the space would give her time to cool off and we could reconcile, but I didn't know about BPD and the mistake this belief was at the time.  Since this event, she has had an affair, become a want-to-be clubber with an insanely foul mouth (I can't, and don't try to in her presence anymore, say one word without her screaming profanities and names at me in front of our children), and the no win situations that she has put me in since then are unbelievable . . . . UNBELIEVABLE (for emphasis).