I need help, I need to escape

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I have a Borderline mother.  I have been free for 2 years now, and I let myself get sucked back in and now I am exhausted, my self-esteem is terrible, I'm trapped, not entirely, but some.

She has abused me for a long time.  For the longest time I couldn't figure out what was going on, or why she acted the way she did.  I'm terrified she might read this somehow and know it's me.  But I need support.  Noone that has not gone through the abuse of a BPD could ever truly understand why it is so hard.

Ok, I won't go through my entire life's history, just the last time, my escape, and why I am here again.  I will try to give the details, but be brief.

I was working out of state and met my current wife.  I have anxiety and OCD and it is hard for me to keep my life on track for too long.  I have had a good life, outside the BPD, I have found ways to cope and it works for me.  So I know I can be ok again.  I try to be very healthy, eat well, sleep enough, lots of sports.  Anyways, I was talking about getting married.  Well for some reason my current wife was already pregnant when I met her, but I was lonely, and she is very loving, and I got married.  I had not been around my BPD mom in a while, and because of what she offers, I get sucked back in.

She told me how happy she was, would help with the wedding, and how hard infants are and we would need lots of babysitting and a great grandma.  So I quit my job, and moved my wife to be across country and stayed with BPD mom while she had the baby.  It was while she was having the baby in the hospital, and the days leading up to it, once I had quit my job, moved across country, that BPD mom started getting crazy.  I believe because the attention was on future wife and baby, that mom felt left out and started verbally abusing me and wife.  Literally 3 days before giving birth.  It got so ugly that we cherished the sanctuary of the locked baby ward and hated to leave, but had nowhere to go.  So back we went.  It was ugly.  Constant abuse, mind games, pulling one of us aside and trying to turn us against each other.  Luckily we realize what was going on, and researched BPD together, stayed strong, and got an apartment and left.

We were still in town, this was only when the baby was 2 months.  And BPD mom kept coming by, kept calling, if we didn't answer she would threaten us, she called the police on us, she called child welfare on us, she sued me in court for owing here a list of all the money she had ever giving me, from college years, to the times I asked for help after.  We had to flee the state because she kept banging on our door and leaving threatening letters and messages, she came by while we were hurriedly packing our car and uhaul and tried to stop the car but we made it, she then called the police to try to stop us, but they asked what law we had broken and she did not have one.  She called every single person we knew and slandered us for about a month.  We made it.

Now 2 years later, I decided we never got a honeymoon, and wanted an amazing summer.  BPD mom had been slowly worming her way back into my life.  I don't know why I let it, I don't know why I started talking to her again.  I guess I called, or she called and I answered once months ago and she acted nice and I felt bad because she is my mom and we started talking once a month, once a week, she called me daily, constantly until I would answer.  When I was sad or vulnerable she was extra nice.  She offered to babysit for a month so me and wife could travel.  I really want to travel, I got sucked in.  I came out ahead of wife and started planning a big trip.   Told wife how much fun we would have.  Then BPD mom started trying to divide me and wife.  Subtle things.  Telling me how I didn't want to raise another man's baby.  Baby is two and doesn't talk(how would she know) and will be stupid, wife can't make much money and will drag me down from living the life I want.  Planting seeds into my head.  Doubts. But I stayed strong and planned our trip, payed alot for our trip, purchased a special vehicle for our trip that after the trip is done I will resell. A sailboat, my lifelong dream.  A summer sailing.  Everything is ready.  Wife bought plane ticket. 

That's when BPD mom snapped.  Freaked, all the abusiveness came back in full force at once.  Over the last five days my life has been a living hell and now I feel tired and defeated.  First it was,

"I am not watching your baby so you can go gallavanting around on your vacation"

then,

"I don't want those hillbillies(wife and baby) coming and staying in my house, I don't need stupid rednecks mooching off of my basement.  They are your family, and you should devorce them, but since you're a pussy you will just inflict me with your drama and ~ty life"

"I'll do it, I'm going on vacation and I need a petsitter anyways, well, you're a ~ty son and you've ruined another summer."

It got really ugly, stuff she said about wife being a slut and having a kid that wasn't mine and well, ... .   other stuff not fit for typing.

Now, some of you may know, you can't confront these people, you either have to flee in the night, or be a coward and agree with them.  Well, I made the mistake of calling her on her actions, at first I tried to be sensible.

"well, you invited them out here and if you don't want them here then they don't have to come"

BPD "Oh they'll come all right, they've got no place else to go, and they'll some be parasites, but I'm not watching your baby so you can go have fun"

"you don't have to, I will take care of this, they aren't coming.  I don't know what to do, you've got me in a real mess here"

BPD "I didn't do anything, you're crazy, what's wrong with you, do I need to call an ambulance, I never said I didn't want them to come, they're coming.  Are you ok?"

"you called me a ~ty son just a minute ago"

BPD (in calm sane voice) "I never said that! no, honey are you OK?  Do you need to go to the Dr.?  I think you need help, we are here to help you, you must be hearing things, or you're projecting your problems to make me the bad guy"

"you just said that, it was like, two minutes ago, you said it three times, you've been a martyr for 5 days about how much of a sacrifice it is for them to come here, so they are not coming"

BPD (getting angry, triggered by too much truth) "horrible, horrible things, endlessly, too graphic to print"

me(beat down and scared) "ok, you're right, I'm sorry I said that, I was just frustrated, with myself, it's not your fault I'm upset, you're just trying to help, I appreciate it, I'm going to go to the store and get some food"

BPD "not nice, not nice making fun of your mom, I've only helped you your entire life, and you're not nice to me"

"I'm sorry, it was wrong of me, you are nice, I'm going to get something to eat"

BPD "you don't need to go anywhere, we'll go together tomorrow, are they coming or not"

me "no"

BPD (shaky rage voice)  "you've been telling me they're coming and I need a petsitter, if they don't come you and them are NEVER! welcome in this house EVER again!  After all I've done for you this is the least you could do!"

me "oh, ok, I thought you had hired a petsitter, you need them to help?  Well sure, I haven't told her about any of this(not true), so yeah, ok, she's coming, she wants to come, she wants to petsit.  She's coming.  We would be glad to help... .   well goodnight, I'm pretty tired"

Ok, so that's up to tonight. Well, I left out the time 2 days ago I tried to leave and she physically restrained me, I know from the past that when she touches me, if I move, she would throw herself on the ground and claim I pushed her, so I just cowered and died inside.

Wife and toddler supposed to be coming in two days, my stuff is all over the basement, I have no energy, I don't want an unstable environment for wife and toddler, but she's already quit her job, bought a plane ticket, shipped her and toddler's stuff here.

I am going absolutely crazy here, the abuse goes day in and out, I'm scared, I spent alot of my money on this boat and supplies for our trip, but I'm trapped in the house and can't ack my stuff to leave without her seeing me pack and stopping me, I can't bring a wife and child into this, if it was just me, I could take my stuff, stick it in storage and stay on the boat and get my life back together.  It's not that far gone, I can still fix this, in some ways, even though it would have been better before me driving cross country, buying the boat, wife's ticket etc... .   it's better I know now.   I can still get out, but what complicates it is wife coming and with a 2 year old.  What do you do with a two year old?  WIfe gave up our rental house out of state because we made this plan. 

She could stay with family out of state, and I could sell the boat and get us an apartment in this part of the country, but that would be a hardship on her.  And an embarrassment when she is having a going away party with her friends tomorrow.  Though embarrassment is better than abuse. 

I need to get out of here, but should I escape?  Should I lie, say wife is coming, but sneak off?  Pack my stuff and be strong and say I'm going you can't stop me?

Pretend wife is staying out of state and we are breaking up(what BPD wants) and poor me I'm going to sail and clear my head?   Should I take all my stuff and put it in storage near the boat?  Should I cut off all ties with BPD or pretend? Should wife wait where at least it's safe?  Or come with me and we try to sail with a two year old? 

Do I go no contact?  She has made my self esteem and my faith in my ability to care for myself suffer, so I feel in some ways I need her.  What is the best way to escape.  Fleeing or upfront "i'm leaving"

I have no idea what to do, but wife comes son, so I have to decide, and I need to be out of here before I go crazy and have a long time to recover.  Each day gets worse and worse and I get beaten down more and have trouble recovering.

Thanks for reading and please help.

Scared and confused, but will get out and will survive.

[thesurvivor]

Hi, I have a Borderline mother.  I have been free for 2 years now, and I let myself get sucked back in and now I am exhausted, my self-esteem is terrible, I'm trapped, not entirely, but some.

She has abused me for a long time.  For the longest time I couldn't figure out what was going on, or why she acted the way she did.  I'm terrified she might read this somehow and know it's me.  But I need support.  Noone that has not gone through the abuse of a BPD could ever truly understand why it is so hard.

Ok, I won't go through my entire life's history, just the last time, my escape, and why I am here again.  I will try to give the details, but be brief.

I was working out of state and met my current wife.  I have anxiety and OCD and it is hard for me to keep my life on track for too long.  I have had a good life, outside the BPD, I have found ways to cope and it works for me.  So I know I can be ok again.  I try to be very healthy, eat well, sleep enough, lots of sports.  Anyways, I was talking about getting married.  Well for some reason my current wife was already pregnant when I met her, but I was lonely, and she is very loving, and I got married.  I had not been around my BPD mom in a while, and because of what she offers, I get sucked back in.

She told me how happy she was, would help with the wedding, and how hard infants are and we would need lots of babysitting and a great grandma.  So I quit my job, and moved my wife to be across country and stayed with BPD mom while she had the baby.  It was while she was having the baby in the hospital, and the days leading up to it, once I had quit my job, moved across country, that BPD mom started getting crazy.  I believe because the attention was on future wife and baby, that mom felt left out and started verbally abusing me and wife.  Literally 3 days before giving birth.  It got so ugly that we cherished the sanctuary of the locked baby ward and hated to leave, but had nowhere to go.  So back we went.  It was ugly.  Constant abuse, mind games, pulling one of us aside and trying to turn us against each other.  Luckily we realize what was going on, and researched BPD together, stayed strong, and got an apartment and left.

We were still in town, this was only when the baby was 2 months.  And BPD mom kept coming by, kept calling, if we didn't answer she would threaten us, she called the police on us, she called child welfare on us, she sued me in court for owing here a list of all the money she had ever giving me, from college years, to the times I asked for help after.  We had to flee the state because she kept banging on our door and leaving threatening letters and messages, she came by while we were hurriedly packing our car and uhaul and tried to stop the car but we made it, she then called the police to try to stop us, but they asked what law we had broken and she did not have one.  She called every single person we knew and slandered us for about a month.  We made it.

Now 2 years later, I decided we never got a honeymoon, and wanted an amazing summer.  BPD mom had been slowly worming her way back into my life.  I don't know why I let it, I don't know why I started talking to her again.  I guess I called, or she called and I answered once months ago and she acted nice and I felt bad because she is my mom and we started talking once a month, once a week, she called me daily, constantly until I would answer.  When I was sad or vulnerable she was extra nice.  She offered to babysit for a month so me and wife could travel.  I really want to travel, I got sucked in.  I came out ahead of wife and started planning a big trip.   Told wife how much fun we would have.  Then BPD mom started trying to divide me and wife.  Subtle things.  Telling me how I didn't want to raise another man's baby.  Baby is two and doesn't talk(how would she know) and will be stupid, wife can't make much money and will drag me down from living the life I want.  Planting seeds into my head.  Doubts. But I stayed strong and planned our trip, payed alot for our trip, purchased a special vehicle for our trip that after the trip is done I will resell. A sailboat, my lifelong dream.  A summer sailing.  Everything is ready.  Wife bought plane ticket. 

That's when BPD mom snapped.  Freaked, all the abusiveness came back in full force at once.  Over the last five days my life has been a living hell and now I feel tired and defeated.  First it was,

"I am not watching your baby so you can go gallavanting around on your vacation"

then,

"I don't want those hillbillies(wife and baby) coming and staying in my house, I don't need stupid rednecks mooching off of my basement.  They are your family, and you should devorce them, but since you're a pussy you will just inflict me with your drama and ~ty life"

"I'll do it, I'm going on vacation and I need a petsitter anyways, well, you're a ~ty son and you've ruined another summer."

It got really ugly, stuff she said about wife being a slut and having a kid that wasn't mine and well, ... .   other stuff not fit for typing.

Now, some of you may know, you can't confront these people, you either have to flee in the night, or be a coward and agree with them.  Well, I made the mistake of calling her on her actions, at first I tried to be sensible.

"well, you invited them out here and if you don't want them here then they don't have to come"

BPD "Oh they'll come all right, they've got no place else to go, and they'll some be parasites, but I'm not watching your baby so you can go have fun"

"you don't have to, I will take care of this, they aren't coming.  I don't know what to do, you've got me in a real mess here"

BPD "I didn't do anything, you're crazy, what's wrong with you, do I need to call an ambulance, I never said I didn't want them to come, they're coming.  Are you ok?"

"you called me a ~ty son just a minute ago"

BPD (in calm sane voice) "I never said that! no, honey are you OK?  Do you need to go to the Dr.?  I think you need help, we are here to help you, you must be hearing things, or you're projecting your problems to make me the bad guy"

"you just said that, it was like, two minutes ago, you said it three times, you've been a martyr for 5 days about how much of a sacrifice it is for them to come here, so they are not coming"

BPD (getting angry, triggered by too much truth) "horrible, horrible things, endlessly, too graphic to print"

me(beat down and scared) "ok, you're right, I'm sorry I said that, I was just frustrated, with myself, it's not your fault I'm upset, you're just trying to help, I appreciate it, I'm going to go to the store and get some food"

BPD "not nice, not nice making fun of your mom, I've only helped you your entire life, and you're not nice to me"

"I'm sorry, it was wrong of me, you are nice, I'm going to get something to eat"

BPD "you don't need to go anywhere, we'll go together tomorrow, are they coming or not"

me "no"

BPD (shaky rage voice)  "you've been telling me they're coming and I need a petsitter, if they don't come you and them are NEVER! welcome in this house EVER again!  After all I've done for you this is the least you could do!"

me "oh, ok, I thought you had hired a petsitter, you need them to help?  Well sure, I haven't told her about any of this(not true), so yeah, ok, she's coming, she wants to come, she wants to petsit.  She's coming.  We would be glad to help... .   well goodnight, I'm pretty tired"

Ok, so that's up to tonight. Well, I left out the time 2 days ago I tried to leave and she physically restrained me, I know from the past that when she touches me, if I move, she would throw herself on the ground and claim I pushed her, so I just cowered and died inside.

Wife and toddler supposed to be coming in two days, my stuff is all over the basement, I have no energy, I don't want an unstable environment for wife and toddler, but she's already quit her job, bought a plane ticket, shipped her and toddler's stuff here.

I am going absolutely crazy here, the abuse goes day in and out, I'm scared, I spent alot of my money on this boat and supplies for our trip, but I'm trapped in the house and can't ack my stuff to leave without her seeing me pack and stopping me, I can't bring a wife and child into this, if it was just me, I could take my stuff, stick it in storage and stay on the boat and get my life back together.  It's not that far gone, I can still fix this, in some ways, even though it would have been better before me driving cross country, buying the boat, wife's ticket etc... .   it's better I know now.   I can still get out, but what complicates it is wife coming and with a 2 year old.  What do you do with a two year old?  WIfe gave up our rental house out of state because we made this plan. 

She could stay with family out of state, and I could sell the boat and get us an apartment in this part of the country, but that would be a hardship on her.  And an embarrassment when she is having a going away party with her friends tomorrow.  Though embarrassment is better than abuse. 

I need to get out of here, but should I escape?  Should I lie, say wife is coming, but sneak off?  Pack my stuff and be strong and say I'm going you can't stop me?

Pretend wife is staying out of state and we are breaking up(what BPD wants) and poor me I'm going to sail and clear my head?   Should I take all my stuff and put it in storage near the boat?  Should I cut off all ties with BPD or pretend? Should wife wait where at least it's safe?  Or come with me and we try to sail with a two year old? 

Do I go no contact?  She has made my self esteem and my faith in my ability to care for myself suffer, so I feel in some ways I need her.  What is the best way to escape.  Fleeing or upfront "i'm leaving"

I have no idea what to do, but wife comes son, so I have to decide, and I need to be out of here before I go crazy and have a long time to recover.  Each day gets worse and worse and I get beaten down more and have trouble recovering.

Thanks for reading and please help.

Scared and confused, but will get out and will survive.

[Validation78]

Hi Survivor!

Sorry to hear of the difficulties you are experiencing. There's so much to decide, you probably don't know where to begin. I would start my making a list of priorities. Of course, keeping your wife and child safe is foremost. Do what you must to make that happen. Yes, it will be hard, and things won't go as you planned, you may face some hardship and embarrassment, however, it;s better than subjecting them to abusive behavior. Take this one step at a time. Plan, decide, act. Once you do so, the rest will come, and staying focused on what means the most to you will give you a sense of accomplishment like no other. It may be hard to stand up to a pwBPD, especially your Mom, however, a relationship with her, under these circumstances sounds like it will do more harm than good!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[SailMonkey]

I can completely identify with so much of what you've posted.  Here are a few thoughts that I had;

First, do not allow your wife or her child to be exposed to your mother for any extended period of time.  We (you and I) both know how much harm that can do.  You married your wife, you did NOT choose your mother.   

If you haven't read it already you should look up the "Medium Chill" technique.  For me it's been invaluable in dealing with my parents.  I think I've got a copy of it on my gmail account, but I'd rather see if we can find the thread, it's very enlightening. 

Don't lie to your mother or submit to her demands if you can simply nod, ignore her as much as possible without giving her any more info than she absolutely needs and slip away at the first opportunity.  She doesn't deserve an explanation after the very first time she called your wife names to your face.

If I were in your shoes and didn't have a place to stay I'd consider skipping the boat trip but moving the family briefly onto the boat until I could sell it.  Make sure the child is taught about water and drowning, etc and watched any time that she's topsides.  Sell the boat, drop your dream of taking a vacation alone (Your a married man with a young child!)

One more bit of advice, I have a good friend who married a woman with a child many years ago.  I can't count the number of times he's told me that he wished he'd stepped in and been a father to that child instead of being stand off-ish as he was.  Now his stepson who was about six when they married, is in college and still calls him by his first name instead of "dad."  Don't do that to yourself or your daughter.  Consider legally adopting her so that she knows that you chose her.  Kids understand that.

Okay, I'm off my soap box.

[thesurvivor]

Medium Chill?  I'll search for that now and see what I can find.  I definitely need some new way to engage her until I leave because this is making me crazy

I likened it to having to admit the sky was green.

The conversation was so crazy, that she would deny saying things, just minutes after saying them, and I had to apologize for saying she said what she did.  It's like she said the sky was green and I corrected her, "no, the sky is blue", and then she gets triggered because she's crazy, and her greatest fear is that she has to admit to herself that she is crazy, so instead of for even a minute wondering if I am correct and the sky is blue, and wondering why she thought it was green, or why she sees it as green, she forces me to apologize for pretending the sky is blue and trying to manipulate her into seeing it blue.

So I have to sit there and say, "I'm sorry, I  don't know why I said the sky was blue, you're right, of course, the sky is green, it

s always been green, I'm just tired, I guess I got mixed up."

And then you can see the crazy subside just a little.  But it made me feel crazy, and that's what hurts my self esteem, that I can't stand up to her, if I do, it just escalates the situation, the more I stand up for myself, in a healthy way, like a healthy person should, she gets more and more enraged.  And she will cal the police, pretend you are violent or crazy, call your work, just do whatever she can to bring your life down.  SO I back down, and then feel bad about myself.