2 year dance

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone... .   I've been away for awhile.  I found that reading these boards was becoming a daily ritual for me, and I figured that I would leave it alone for awhile.  It helped me through my rough times, but I had that it was causing me to ruminate on everything, so I had to step away for awhile.

Long story short... .   married, divorced, recycled 4-5 x now.  Everything thing was ok with me, and then she sends me a txt msg the other night telling me that she is going to be at a place where I usually hangout.

Needless to say, I diverted my plans and did not go to this place.

Throughout the night, she was talking to my friends, asking "why cant we ever make it work?"  She sent me a few txt msg throughout the night asking me where I was at and that she went outside looking for me?

I didnt respond.  The following morning she sent me another msg, saying that she was just trying to be courteous by letting me know where she was going to be. 

My question is, if she was just sending a "courtesy text," then why wasnt it left at that?  Why did she keep sending me msgs throughout the night?

So I let it go and didnt respond to any of her attempts to contact me.  Then I screwed up, I sent her a text on Sunday saying "at the end of the day, I do still love you!"  and you guessed it... .   no response from her... .  

WTH was I thinking?  I know that she contacted me just to see if she could get a response from me.  It was the same mindgame that she constantly played with me when I was with her. 

Truth is, I DO know better... .   guess I just wish that she was the person that I thought she was.  I still miss her.  Life has moved on, I've dated, and taken steps to help myself.  It just seems odd, that at the drop of a dime, this person has such control over me, she can call and it will literally flip my world upside down?

I know about NC... .   I thought I was past everything.  This person has the power to say one word to me, and make me lose my mind!  It's the most helpless feeling in the world.  I am good most of the time, but one word from her and it literally flips my world upside down?  Why?  How?  I know better than this, so WHY does this keep happening to me?

Thoughts?

Thanks for letting me vent

MCC

[mcc503764]

Hello everyone... .   I've been away for awhile.  I found that reading these boards was becoming a daily ritual for me, and I figured that I would leave it alone for awhile.  It helped me through my rough times, but I had that it was causing me to ruminate on everything, so I had to step away for awhile.

Long story short... .   married, divorced, recycled 4-5 x now.  Everything thing was ok with me, and then she sends me a txt msg the other night telling me that she is going to be at a place where I usually hangout.

Needless to say, I diverted my plans and did not go to this place.

Throughout the night, she was talking to my friends, asking "why cant we ever make it work?"  She sent me a few txt msg throughout the night asking me where I was at and that she went outside looking for me?

I didnt respond.  The following morning she sent me another msg, saying that she was just trying to be courteous by letting me know where she was going to be. 

My question is, if she was just sending a "courtesy text," then why wasnt it left at that?  Why did she keep sending me msgs throughout the night?

So I let it go and didnt respond to any of her attempts to contact me.  Then I screwed up, I sent her a text on Sunday saying "at the end of the day, I do still love you!"  and you guessed it... .   no response from her... .  

WTH was I thinking?  I know that she contacted me just to see if she could get a response from me.  It was the same mindgame that she constantly played with me when I was with her. 

Truth is, I DO know better... .   guess I just wish that she was the person that I thought she was.  I still miss her.  Life has moved on, I've dated, and taken steps to help myself.  It just seems odd, that at the drop of a dime, this person has such control over me, she can call and it will literally flip my world upside down?

I know about NC... .   I thought I was past everything.  This person has the power to say one word to me, and make me lose my mind!  It's the most helpless feeling in the world.  I am good most of the time, but one word from her and it literally flips my world upside down?  Why?  How?  I know better than this, so WHY does this keep happening to me?

Thoughts?

Thanks for letting me vent

MCC

[whereisthezen]

If alcoholics can relapse, if drug addicts can relapse, then we as codependents, certainly can relapse.

Whether its alcohol, a drug, or a relationship, they are still addicting to the addicted. 

She said it was a courtesy probably to convince herself that's what happened instead of telling herself, he isnt coming, he didnt come.

Her efforts in reaching out to you werent good efforts now were they?

Most of this I am writing to also tell myself the same in my situation, hoping it sinks into my brain!     

[schwing]

Hi MCC503764,

So I let it go and didnt respond to any of her attempts to contact me.  Then I screwed up, I sent her a text on Sunday saying "at the end of the day, I do still love you!"  and you guessed it... .   no response from her... .  

WTH was I thinking?  I know that she contacted me just to see if she could get a response from me.  It was the same mindgame that she constantly played with me when I was with her.  

Look.  You were married to her.  You had (or still have) a lot of ideas/dreams/attachment invested in her.  You don't lose that kind of attachment quickly or easily.  What you are dealing with is what many of us have a hard time dealing with: the cognitive dissonance of who we thought they were (or needed them to be) vs. who they turned out to be.

Some cognitive dissonance take a long time to fully digest, and fully resolve (if ever).  It gets easier over time.  But first (in my experience) you must embrace some of the pain of what we have a hard time accepting (i.e. that we were somehow betrayed) and somehow that pain gets integrated into the rest of our psyche.  Just like after someone important to us dies, it is hard to accept in the beginning, but gets easier over time as long as we accept they are gone.

It seems to me that you are still oscillating between the person you "know" she is: someone suffering from BPD, and between the person you married, trusted and love: the spouse you were invested in.

Truth is, I DO know better... .   guess I just wish that she was the person that I thought she was.  I still miss her.  Life has moved on, I've dated, and taken steps to help myself.  It just seems odd, that at the drop of a dime, this person has such control over me, she can call and it will literally flip my world upside down?

This is your cognitive dissonance: the person you thought she was, the person you miss, still doesn't square with the person you are trying to understand in the context of this disorder.  She has such an affect on you because we don't shed our attachments easily.  Which is not necessarily the case if you suffer from BPD.  Her attachment to you, she turns on and off like a light switch.  You cannot do what she does.  You wouldn't want to.

Her cognitive dissonance is: "why can't *we* ever make it work" versus "why can't *I* ever make it work."  So long as she has someone external to herself to lay the blame on, she doesn't have to do what is most painful for her: which is to examine her own disordered feelings and behaviors.

The minute you responded to her (and it didn't matter what response you gave her), you became her lightning rod and scapegoat.  If you told her to go away and stay away, then you are the person who has some kind of problem and she would project all her issues on you.  If you told her you still loved her, then that would trigger her fear of abandonment and again, she *imagines* you as someone who wants to engage with her only to abandon her later, even though this perceived abandonment is solely in her mind.  And so she did what she always does, she *abandons* you first (i.e., she ignored your response).

I know about NC... .   I thought I was past everything.  

Ok, so you're not "past" everything.  But you're further along, no?

This person has the power to say one word to me, and make me lose my mind!  It's the most helpless feeling in the world.  I am good most of the time, but one word from her and it literally flips my world upside down?  Why?  How?  I know better than this, so WHY does this keep happening to me?

She has the "power" because at one time in your life you gave her this power.  You made her one of the most important persons in your life.  You did marry her, yes?  And the way things ended between you do, I don't know your specifics but I am certain that it did not end well or easily... .   this is in the nature of these kinds of relationships.

You learned another lesson.  No need to beat yourself up over it.  But do respect your feelings and make the appropriate decisions.

Best wishes, Schwing

[AllyCat7]

MCC,

I notice these patterns with my guy, too. And it got me thinking a lot about why, why? I think what happens with these people is that when we reject them in any way, it triggers abandonment fears, so they keep trying and either we keep rejecting or we come back. If we do come back, they are then filled with SOO much resentment at us for the rejection that that is the emotion that then consumes them. Even though they got what they wanted (us), they now assume the role of victim and get consumed by that. So they hate us and shut us out. I don't know what they want us to do when this happens. Do they want us to keep chasing them and breaking down their walls while they hate us and treat us like crap? I did this for all of last November and December (after I pulled away in October b/c I felt he was talking to other girls). So all of Nov and Dec, he was sidelining me, treating me like crap, giving me crumbs, talking to other girls. And I just took it and was so nice to him. He even forgot my birthday (b/c he was consumed with silent rage towards me and talking to other girls) And I still forgave him! He started come back around a little towards the end of December, but then something ELSE set him off in January and I just decided I had had enough. I pulled away a LOT after that and have been ever since then. I did still try to make it work (up until last Monday), but he's quiet now... .   probably consumed with more resentment for some nonsense his mind is making up and/or things he thinks I did to him (and talking to other girls, of course). Meanwhile, all of his bad actions are to be ignored by me.

Anyway, I think this is what goes on through their heads when we come back to them after rejecting them. They close up and hate us for God knows how long. It sucks.

[recoil]

Hey Alley,

That's some interesting insight.

I definitely feel my ex cannot "forgive and forget".  We've recycled twice in 17 months. 

The first time, she left me over something really stupid (IMHO).  We never really spent anytime apart after she left.  Later, she thanked me for forgiving her.  Our recycled relationship was good.

The next fight, I asked her to leave.  We stayed apart for about a month and got back together.  I never felt she forgave me the way I forgave her.  I guess it was OK when she rejected me the first time and I forgave her.  This recycled relationship felt very watered down and one-sided.

About three months ago, she asked for a break (but neither would be allowed to date anyone else).  I said no thanks.  I walked away completely.  We've been very LC since.  Over the past couple of weeks, she has reached out to me quite a bit.

In talking with her now, it's all small-talk/neutral stuff.  I have no idea what she wants and honestly, don't even know what I truly want.  But it would be nice to know if there was a way to get past previous perceptions of rejections and start truly anew; like we did when I forgave her. 

[Hurt llama]

Boy, Schwing, that was some incredible thinking and writing... .   Really helpful to me and I hope to the OP... . So well stated.

[fakename]

Yeah after reading what schwing wrote I started going back and making my way through all his posts.

[Hurt llama]

Yeah after reading what schwing wrote I started going back and making my way through all his posts.

If I wasn't as mentally healthy as I am now, I would copy Swing's post and send it to my ex... .

lmfao

[fakename]

Hahaha. Whenever I read an appropriate post I sometimes think - god I wish my ex would read that

[goldylamont]

She has such an affect on you because we don't shed our attachments easily.  Which is not necessarily the case if you suffer from BPD.  Her attachment to you, she turns on and off like a light switch.  You cannot do what she does.  You wouldn't want to.

... .   Best wishes, Schwing

i so agree with this quote Schwing. i found this thread by way of sir champ Hurt llama. really good stuff. i've come to the same conclusion, that this stuff hurts us, because it's supposed to hurt. and as much as it does i'd rather it be this way than to not have any feelings or sense of self at all, so thanks for that