Go to T or not?

[lizzie458]

dBPDh and I were in MC for a few years until about 6 months ago when things got too crazy logistically for us to continue.  This was about a month after his Dx and I didn't have high hopes for MC anyway, since he was unwilling to do DBT or any kind of actual work on his own to get healthier.  H has been going to individual C for a few years but has not made any progress, mostly it's just a front for him to be able to say he's trying - currently he sees our MC on his own.  I have been working on my own recovery in 12 step (al anon and another program) and lurking and posting a bit here.  The T is a little bit savvy, she's the one who - after about a year - dx'd my H.  But she has little to no experience in treating BPD's and non's (who does, right?) and is sucked into his stories rather easily, seems to forget about his cognitive distortion.

H asked me to go to his appointment next week.  My first reaction was to tell him yes, because he seemed to ask me from a place of vulnerability.  Then after H talked a bit about his session today, he mentioned how MC thinks I am still too intense and need to work on that.  I shouldn't still be losing my cool with H according to her.  Now, of course all of this is true, and yet I'm not sure she actually said any of it.  He asked me how I was feeling and what I was thinking, and because he is pretty high functioning and sometimes displays incredible empathy, I fell for it.  I told him, still somewhat guarded, that I feel the bulk of the blame and responsibility for the health of our marriage and that is a lot to bear sometimes.  He half-ass attempted to validate me, but not really.  We got off the phone shortly thereafter.

Now I’m thinking, what is the point in going to T?  I don’t want to take time out of my day, but more importantly I realized that when I’ve gone in the past, it has raised my hopes and expectations that we are working on this as a team.  But that is not reality.  In reality, divorce is not an option for me (due to religious reasons) and before marriage it wasn’t for him either…but he has since changed his tune.  He throws his hands in the air anytime he feels like it, spouting off about how “we can never get anything right”, etc.  He has put forth zero actual effort since we’ve been married (several years) to get healthier in any aspect of his own life, much less our marriage.  So going to T could potentially result in JADE from me, but even if it doesn’t – I don’t know how beneficial it will really be.  I am already working on my health and the health of our marriage, and I don’t see how enlightening this session could really be.  Is that too close-minded of me?  I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity, but it’s difficult to see this as an opportunity.

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[hithere]

I'm not sure she actually said any of it. 

My exBPD would twist around the things her therapist said when on individual sessions and when I went he would explain it and it would turn out to be something totally different.

If I were you I would go but don't expect too much.  My sessions mostly dealt with managing her feelings and setting very gentle goals.  I doubt much of the big BPD problems will be discussed and it is not really the therapists fault, if they are too hard on the BPD person the BPD person will simply stop going.

[addicted2pizza]

This has been my experience as well. I was a bit wary of going to see my uBPDW's P at first, due to some comment she had made about the reason. But after a few times, I didn't feel like it at all.

At one point my W even said that the P had told her that he'd like to put me on antidepressants. On hindsight, even if he did think that, I don't think he would discuss this with her at all.

Ever play Telephone when you were young? For example in a classroom, where there's a group of kids. Someone whispers something in the first person's ear, then he or she whispers it to the next person's ear and so on. And then the last person says it out loud. So the fun would be in seeing how much the message had changed. It always did, a lot. I feel that whatever my wife says that other people say, it's always like a game of telephone.

I actually kind of liked my wife's Pdoc, and if she wasn't his patient already, I would have liked to see him instead... .  

[VeryFree]

I would go, but don't get your hopes up.

My stbx almost never let me near her T. But she always had remarks that her T said that I should or should not do certain things.

The few times I could come with her to one of her sessions, it never was about me... .  

[lizzie458]

Yes, I guess my thing is - since I know T is not familiar with DBT and doesn't seem like there is any headway with H using CBT (because he is not willing to change his behavior), I kind of feel like I don't want to waste my time or risk getting my hopes up by going.

Hmmm I guess I'm looking for permission from you guys to not go to the session haha!  Is that ok, or am I impeding progress?

[VeryFree]

Is that ok

If that is what you want, it's okay.

Start thinking about you. What do you want?

Start caring about yourself. How can you help yourself?

Don't bother what we think, don't bother what others might do. Choose your own destination. It's not about others, it's not about him. It's about you! 

[lizzie458]

In thinking about this more, I suppose my question really is: what is a good way to tell him I don't want to go to the session?

I have no problem being honest with him - in fact that's an area where I'm working on... .  I tend to be brutally honest which is not always helpful and hurts him.  I am also ok with being a little vague, but I don't know the best way to go about this.

I don't want to get into why I don't want to go because it would be pretty brutal to hear, and I don't think he could even comprehend it:  I'm accepting who he is right now, which is someone who is not working on himself or the marriage - I believe he is incapable and I'm OK with that, no resentment.  In essence, I don't feel like taking part in a smoke and mirrors game with him.  I believe he doesn't even realize it's a smoke and mirrors game, but it doesn't change the fact that it's futile right now... .  IMO.

I may just tell him that I simply don't want to go and leave it at that, though he will bug the CRAP outta me to figure out why .  And who knows, maybe between now and then I might have a change of heart and go after all.

Good Lord, this really isn't brain surgery!